Guidelines for life, yo

New Year's Resolutions Guidelines - Things to do before turning 30

1. Enrich Myself

• Sleep at least 8 hours a day
• Drink lots and lots of water
• Eat well; less oily and unhealthy food, more vegetables and fruits
• Take my vits regularly
• Exercise 20-30 mins at least 3x a week
• Leave work on time
• Invest more in skincare

DO:

• Complete the DIY cross stitch I got for my birthday
• Read more books; finish reading How to Build a Billion Dollar App
• Attend art exhibitions, do more cultural things
• Paint / draw, express myself more creatively in my free time
• Learn a new language - Spanish? Improve Mandarin?
• Attend a workshop on Economics and/or Excel
• Attend floral arrangement classes
• Plant flowers, fruits or vegetables 
• Do volunteer work; mentor troubled youth, organize a beach/street clean-up
• Reuse, reduce, recycle

2. Enrich Relationships (Family & Friends)

• Try out new recipes; cook my family a meal once a month
• Organize dinners / drinks, host art jams / game nights 
• Plan a family trip to Korea, friends trip to Bali / Taiwan?

3. Enrich Love Life (Partner)

• Go on dates (do things together) once a month - no matter how casual or small - love isn't always about the big gestures, intimacy is in the little details
• Make plans in advance for travel & adventures! 
• Spend quality time together and apart (refer to section 'Enrich Myself')
• Be kind to each other and to ourselves

I haven't had the urge to write/blog in ages; 'studying' journalism at university and working as a media & marketing reporter for a year in London somehow tainted the experience for me. I type away on the laptop all day every day for work, yet writing for pleasure feels almost foreign now. It's as if I've forgotten how to express myself through the written word. I pray it's like playing the piano; hopefully my fingers will remember the keys even if my eyes no longer recognize the score.

Funnily enough, the day before 1 Jan 2016, I had the rather shocking realization that this would be THE year I turn 30. I felt the sudden and in-explainable desire to pen every single thought in my head. What is that feeling? PANIC. How did I get to become 29 (on the cusp of 30) in the blink of an eye? Why am I so unaccomplished? Endless items on the checklist of life to be ticked off, so many experiences yet to experience, places to explore, dreams and ambitions to be realized... (bad habits to kick, ahem) and so on...

I couldn't quench that urgent desire to write, and it increasingly reeked of desperation. Why the panic to write a few bloody resolutions? I felt pressured to tick items off a list, things I assumed a 30-year old should've accomplished and more importantly, should be. A ticking time bomb (deadline: x December 2016) in the form of a to-do list. How ridiculous.

Halfway through writing this, I realized how silly I was being.

We live in a society where everybody (literally) has something to say about you, to you. From your 95 year old grand-aunt who claims she has one year left and pressures your elder sister/you to be married by June; to your overly conservative and borderline sexist co-worker who tells you you have a 'Fuck You Face' and randomly (read: cryptically) texts you a URL to an article about 'The science of the Resting Bitch Face' (in what one can only assume is a passive-aggressive manner) to your mother who constantly reminds you that you are 'difficult'; and acquaintances who say "no offence" then proceed to tell you what THEY think you are good/bad at, in a backhanded kind of way (based on no real evidence) and what you should do with your life.

You know what? I don't need another person placing unnecessary pressure on me to live up to some imaginary standard and definition of what a 30 year old should be. Even and especially if that person is myself. At the end of the day, all that matters is that I try my best. And so, I shall think of my New Year's Resolutions as Guidelines, after all, isn't life a Work In Progress meant to be tweaked as we go along?

And with that, enough for tonight. Adios amigos x

Resolution #8: Socialize; catch up with old friends, make new friends. Be less dependent on existing social circle

Done and done! Let's recap...

Sipping delectable dessert wine at quaint french cafe Le Bistrot du Sommelier along Armenian Street followed by potent cocktails at The Library x V1/K/friends; long overdue supper at Jalan Kayu + talking for hours (God I've missed J.LML); stuffing our faces at Sun with Moon x the makeupgroup; gorging on yummy tapas and downing inappropriately-named (I thought H was the most uncommon name in the world, I couldn't have been more wrong) mojitoesque drinks  at Bodega y Tapas x the COT; sumptuous yumcha x N/P/M at Lei Garden and dinner with IJ girls M/J/J this Wednesday!

Hitting the Andy Warhol-Studio 54 theme party at The Art Bar/Butter Factory x the girlz #vicanda in full-on glam mode - think Bianca Jagger in her heyday - vintage Frank Usher Grecian goddess gown (from my 21st), vintage gold belt & clutch, brown suede heels with gold straps. Glowing skin, smoky gold/bronze eyeshadow, cat eyeliner, red lips and retro curls pinned up on my right/cascading down my left. Even the unexpected presence of the Irish couldn't bring me down. 

I think the dark clouds are finally passing. 

It's only January and already I've managed to catch up with various social circles absent in 2013. This year has gotten off to a good start. Fingers crossed it stays that way!

I should add #15: Try new things to my list of resolutions; too easy to get stuck in a Club St/Kyo/life in general rut... Loved the impromptu catchup x SMc at Jigger & Pony last night. Am usually so harried rushing from one social event to another that it felt thoroughly refreshing to sit at a bar and chat over cocktails (sans time constraint)

Plus I want to check out these places (additions anticipated):
House of Dandy
The Spiffy Dapper
Tippling Club
The Secret Mermaid
Bitters & Love
Oxwell & Co
The Black Swan/The Powder Room
Maison Ikkoku
The Horse's Mouth
Oh, I've just booked my ticket to Laneway this Saturday - Whoop whoop to losing my music festival virginity! Hmm, I wonder what to wear...

my sweetest 21st.

in all my 21 years of existence, i have never...

i. am. speechless.

even now, i find conjuring up the right words difficult. there are no words to express how i feel/felt. when i saw all those familiar faces that filled up the entire room, standing before me, the 21 candles lit for me, the 52 cupcakes (yes, fifty-two! or more) spelling out "happy birthday vic!" in pink icing, laid out before me... i was, for lack of a better word, speechless.

i stood there, gaping like an idiot before i managed to sputter an "ohmygod". classic vic, classic. after which i launched into a spiel of chinese words (i was that shocked) which no one understood *laughs* hence lili had to play translator, because i was beyond doing it myself. heh heh

lili the subtitle-r
chinese: "wo zhen de shi bu gan xiang xing!!"
english: "i really cannot believe this!!"

for those of you who lost the plot: my bfffs mandy and lili *HUG* organized a special super secret silent sunset surgery surprise party (greys ref.) and a CUPCAKE themed one to boot!! they know how much i absolutely ADORE cupcakes, been craving them since portobello. multicoloured balloons strung up everywhere, cupcakes on tiered serving dishes everywhere, 21-shaped confetti littered everywhere, people ohmygod people everywhere.. all my beloved new friends.

note: sweetie, babylamb! i got my wish: cupcake!

i recall, when i first arrived in the uk, i was so sad about being away from my loved ones on my 21st (only the most special birthday ever), and the thought of spending it alone was just too depressing to even consider. yet today, i was surrounded by all these new friends of mine who genuinely seemed happy to celebrate this special occasion with me!

once i got over the initial shock (which took quite awhile, believe me) i had to blow out 21 candles, almost setting my scarf on fire in the process.. i just couldn't believe, i still can't believe it actually. those two managed to pull the wool over my eyes for roughly 2 3 weeks! a remarkably difficult task given that i'm always around them 24/7, in their house, on their couch. and there they were, secretly blowing balloons and baking cupcakes in the middle of the night, running off to the supermarket without me, inviting everyone behind my back, plotting and scheming to keep me away from the house.. etc.

the fact that i didn't see the signs, i didn't suspect A THING, god i must be dense. pity, i didn't wear makeup today and my attire.. ugh. in-appropriate. luckily i didn't go home and change into track pants or something far worse, lili wouldn't have allowed me to anyway *grin* it was her sole mission to keep me in the library for as long as possible :) her stalling tactics - hilarious!

NO ONE in my ENTIRE LIFE has ever put in that much EFFORT for me before. (not even my friends back home) i repeat, NO ONE.

seriously, seriously! (amanda and i usually turn to each other and share a look at this point) this is what i've dreamt of for the longest time; my secret wish - for someone to care enough to actually organize a surprise party for me. i waited 21 years, and finally, someone DID care enough apparently. tonight, even before i made my wish and blew out the candles, my dream came true.

oh mandy, lili, i simply can't thank you enough. words are not enough. thank you, i love you. now you've set the bar up so high, no one else can compare. i'm humbled, grateful, and incredibly touched.

what can i say? i have the most amazing friends in the world.

p/s: a huge thank you to everyone who came! i wish you guys could've stayed longer - everyone had to go write their essays - but i'm so touched you showed up at all! *HUG*

p/p/s: my real birthday - 7th december friday night, 6:30 mandy/lili's place for pre-party drinks then clubbing in london! be there!

hugs, kisses and cupcakes
(i ate at least 10 tonight. ugh stomachache)

xoxo

jbf

I, Victoria Tan, am officially a Jealous Best Friend (JBF).

all because... my bf has a new sorta gf and i'm jealous okay! jealous! now they're all holding hands and being loved up and going to each others' houses and planning trips together. hk/bkk07 was supposed to be MINE! OURS! *sad face* so you see, this feeling of jealousy is completely justified.

she stole my mcbestfriend AND my mcbkk/hk07!

(fine. technically she's stealing 08. same difference!)

i don't want to meet her, or like her or... anything. *pouts* but i'm sure we will cross paths, given how singapore is the size of a peanut and it's mathematically scientifically impossible not to.

*reluctantly* give me time. this JBF will get over it. but not today.

"I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.
Spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
Smeared the lipstick on her face.
Slammed the door and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me up and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note it said, "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

surprise surprise, we all seem to be having a phenomenally bad day today. from amanda and lili to myself to just.. everyone in general. i spent HOURS sitting in the computer lab, sifting through 80+ images from my shoot, trying to narrow down the scope so that i could eventually select 2 final images. after a couple of mind-numbing hours.. nothing. they all started to look exactly the same. i could no longer differentiate one from the other.

out of sheer frustration, my head automatically started finding faults in all of the images i had narrowed it down to; closing window after window till my eyes fell upon the last one standing. that shall have to do, thought i.

you don't get it, do you? the feeling of being isolated and alone even when you're surrounded by people. i don't know where it's coming from, but there's a silent force compelling me to do something completely out of my nature; it makes me want to stand up in the middle of the room and scream and scream until everyone stops what they're doing and turns to look at me.

great. now you think i'm crazy. well, you're not the only one. i do too.

my entire being feels overwhelmed. there is no one here from home to talk to, not the way i used to anyway. amanda and lili are too amazing, but gen, jacky, jol, josh.. etc. gen and i have nearly a decade of history behind us and with that comes an easy understanding that surpasses most other friendships. that kind of history cannot be replaced in a matter of months by anyone. ever. jacky, jol, josh; the best friends anyone could have asked for. selfless, caring, generous.. they truly seem to give a shit about me, and will BE THERE when i need a shoulder to cry on.

i remember the time mummy and i fought so badly i could hardly move; i simply lay in bed motionless, joleen lying next to me, as i sobbed my heart out. josh was downstairs trying to pacifiy mum. it was a saturday morning, we were all supposed to hit the gym. eventually, after much consolation on their part, i managed to drag myself out of bed - despite the swollen eyes/face - and get my act together. i recall how jol came through for me in hk - that was pretty recent in fact. i was surprised and touched by her genuine concern. i wouldn't have survived the ordeal had it not been for her. *hug*

lastly, jacky.
need i say more, or anything at all?

he's been there more times than i can count. i couldn't pick one moment even if i had to, there are simply too many. he's seen me through plentiful ups and downs; all my relationships, boy drama, drama in general, family issues, work/school-related issues, personal issues - basically, everything. sometimes i feel like we've been in an actual relationship. he knows too much haha. i love you jacky. by the way, i just called him long-distance to ask him how to use photoshop. i was freaking out okay! i needed someone to talk to, someone who knows me, and gets me. he knew there was more to it than just the photoshoot and photoshop. so do i. i just can't put my finger on it.

... the day semi-ended on a good note, i think. i've never seen a ladybug (in my life) until i came to uk, which makes the official count 3, today included. i found one sitting next to lili in the library com lab. i was overjoyed! WHEE! i even got her to take some photos of it sitting in the palm of my hand :) it's a sign of good luck to come.

i keep telling myself: this will all be over soon. this too shall pass. soon, i'll be home.

16 days to my 21st
17 days till rome
24 days till home

alone vs. lonely

*edit


finally, after a cup of hot milo and an emotional email to uncle b. - crying out for help - i seem to have calmed down. seem being the keyword here. i find that being female poses a hazard to oneself; these damn hormones of mine seem to be perpetually imbalanced.

everyone who knows me knows that i hatehatehate (can't emphasize enough) being the only person awake or last one to go to bed in the house. when virginia left home, that's exactly how it was. late at night, when it gets all quiet, you feel like the loneliest person in the world. plus it's scary being surrounded by that much darkness.

having aj to disturb in the middle of the night when i crept downstairs to make milo or watch tv helped, tremendously. he was my late night companion, my confidante. mum and carol thought it was inconsiderate of me to stroke, hug or lie down with him on his blanket, knowing that he wakes up at the slightest bit of noise. but i couldn't help it. i guess i just wanted someone to keep me company; we all get lonely sometimes.

everyone thinks i'm so lucky; in this new place with new friends doing fun new things. it's true, i am lucky. but if anyone ever had reason to feel alone and lonely, it's me too. left stranded in this foreign, sometimes cold, place without the comforts of home, or the warm embraces of the ones i love. my psychotic family - who love and have loved me unconditionally, accept my flaws regardless of how horrible my tantrums are, know me inside out and read me like a book. my god-sent friends - my constant saving graces, who bring out the best in me; that warm funny crazy side of me that i love. who love, care and look out for me despite all my drama, if anything, because of it. haha

on a random note, one of the few things i miss about being in a relationship with someone is a) the companionship b) falling asleep/waking up next to a warm body. even if he falls asleep before me (which usually is the case, since i take forever to fall asleep), at least there is that added comfort of having someone beside you, it takes the edge off the loneliness.

there's something else, the knowledge that my new bfffs manda and lili will be leaving right after christmas break makes me feel alone and lonely already. what irony huh. the first people i meet that truly seem to GET ME - we get along so well it's not funny, they're like my friends back home - are leaving. yesterday i was feeling frustrated by my work, so i simply ran over [in the rain] to their flat. when they leave, there will be no one to talk to or laugh with or just hang out. i dread the day, yet at the same time i have to acknowledge the inevitable. all i can do is to cherish whatever time we have left with each other and to find the silver lining in the cloud: ROME! and... now i have travel buddies in hk and nz :)

lastly, i love you mummy, verrell, virginia, carol (maybe grandma) nicky, gen, drea, josh, jol, pp, jacky, roy, mel, quek, shanee, jobi, pauline, cindy, manda, car, licco, hazel.. etc. sorry if i missed anyone, hope i didn't.

international friends get a paragraph all on their own: deb, manda, lili - ooh, all new zealanders, the land of fat freddy's drop. whoot. hot lead singer *smirk*

"hello, life"

they say "the higher you climb, the harder you fall."

this is not an indication of how high i've climbed, but how hard i've fallen. or maybe it's just one of those days...

the upside to being in a land far far away where nobody knows you and you can do as you please? .. is just that. the downside? that too. not knowing anybody can be lonely sometimes, but everything comes with a price, and i'm guessing this is the price you pay for freedom and anonymity.

the thing about being away from home;
no comfort food to comfort you
no babyboo to disturb in the wee hours of the morning or fall asleep on in the middle of a lazy afternoon.
no friends to visit you at work, bearing gifts (food) or hug you tight and never let go,
just because.
no mobile ringing endlessly, especially at work, missed calls, or complaining friends.
no riding around in cars with boys
no debating friday night dinner plans
or drinking wine by the pool.
no late night suppers every night of the week
no mother to chastise you,
or brother to bully

just... nothing.

i'm in need of a hug, badly.

p/s: tell me it's merely withdrawal symptoms from my london hangover. tell me it's just a passing phase. tell me when it's over and when i can open my eyes again. tell me something, anything to make it better, please.

WHAT HAPPENS IN THAILAND STAYS IN THAILAND.

krabi

wong kar wai-pantene hair advertisement moments on the tarmac. the flight with no rules. 'casually' necking breezers on a frighteningly windy tuk tuk ride. dinner at an italian restaurant, leaving love notes for the owner. slipping on the super slippery rugs in the room. freaky toilets and creaky beds. the crazy WILDBOY on man vs. wild. leaving the *** in the **** (shh. don't tell) lovely american breakfast at an artsy cafe down the stretch. watching the last samurai dvd in our private minivan: no mind.

koh lanta

long walks by the neverending beach. sieving through and picking washed up seashells. photographs of me jumping in the air. fighting like samurais with umbrellas and racing along the shore - whilst giggling like silly schoolgirls - back to the resort. sitting and freezing our asses off in the un-warm jacuzzi. ordering/eating in in the on-off rain, the wonderfully in-depth conversation in our villa. whiny noises in my sleep.

our hour long elephant ride on jumbo and lucy. the video about following the trail of shit, hansel & gretel-esque. hobbit man's (HB) overly enthusiastic photography (he took videos instead of photos). the old school torch hanging from our necks (you gotta twist the wires to get light). climbing up a mountain with gushing fresh water fountains and steep algae-covered rocks IN MY FLIP FLOPS! clinging onto anything and everything. MR MAN, posing with an iguana in our hands. eek.


climbing up & down scarily shaky ladders in the caves. slipping & sliding on the muddy floor, making my way down titanic slopes spiderman-style: but backwards, on all fours.

"just swing your leg across this rock to the next! just do it, don't think!" - shanee!!

precariously inching our way across a two-pole bridge (flimsy rope inclusive) with a drop that would most certainly ensure death. shimmying our way through impossibly tight spots

"do you think i'm pamela anderson!!?" - quek.

crawling through a claustrophobically tiny hole ("OH. MY. GOD. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING." - quek.) to exit the cave [which fyi is filled with bats]. mr man smashing the torch into my eye, my lens popping out. trekking down the mountain half-blind, completely mudcaked and covered in mozzie bites.

note: sorry for the elaborate attention to details. this is by far the craziest thing i've done in my 20 years of existence, with the exception of hk. (trust me, it takes the cake)


yelling like lunatics and running helter skelter into the ocean fully clothed, washing the mud off ourselves. lying on the shore in various states of undress, letting the waves gently wash over us. scrubbing our bodies with sand. read: natural exfolient.


bangkok

snap twisting (quek cheats!) a thai massage and our screams bourne of agony. our extravagant steamboat feast and guessing the price (whoever loses buys ice cream). girly girl shopping. my panic-attack; getting lost in suan lum market resulting in the aunty way of bargaining for shoes. making friends/exchanging contacts with the stall owners--

"we're students, no money!"
"i'm a student too, and i have two children!"
*pause then shove* "you're lying! you don't have two children!!"

--who fell in love while studying a summer course at st martins/working as a waiter in uk. falling asleep with the blinds undrawn. unaffordable shopping at siam-something: "let's leave before i get depressed." - me. watching "the invasion" and our subsequent 'invasion' faces: "if there's ever an invasion, you (two) will be the first to die!" - me.

creating the coolest diy salad, ditching bed supper club (all for one, one for all) for a night in with delish roadside noodles and ultra-gory "apocalypto" for company.

chatuchak. "mummy i want an ice lolly!" x3. falling in love with adorable attention-seeking puppies. mbk bra madness. platinum mall-mr handbag shop navigation - i'm SO bad with directions it's unbelievable (the other two were afraid to let me out of their sight). the gorgeous german restaurant with it's own little like, country - very marches. "because i said so" whilst binge-eating on salad and chips.

and so, that concludes our one week of complete and utter madness in thailand. if i remember any other juicy tidbits, i will edit this. sweetie/babylamb: if you have anything to add, let me know!

(fyi: only you two can call me cupcake!)

this took an inordinate amount of time to churn out, mostly because i truly didn't know where or how to start. there were simply too many wonderful memories to attempt putting into words. this is the best that i could do, i even skipped the little black book and came straight to blog, typing's easier.

p/s: you two rock my socks! (waking up was never this much fun, or insanely chirpy!) you made this holiday one of the greatest experiences, ever. i couldn't have asked for better travelling companions on my virgin (no-mother-around) journey. thanks for all the laughs, late night conversations in which i feel we truly got to understand each other, the comfort and empathy you offered freely to aid my healing process and just, everything. i love you.

love me.

fathers, sunflowers and boy (badge)s.

last sunday was especially difficult for me.

those near and dear will not have to look far to see the light. it was a painful reminder of everything we've been through. given that it has been 5 long years, i was surprised to find that this was the toughest year (to get through) thus far. perhaps now that i'm older and more aware of the severity of the situation - the grim understanding that what is lost cannot be regained - it really struck a chord within me.

i was taken aback by the gentle/gradual buildup of tears in my eyes when i was at the temple to burn some jossticks and pay my respects. i expected time to have taken care of the rest; to heal my wounds, yet visiting this strange foreign place filled with row upon row of black and white faces plastered on stone only served to reopen them instead.

every year, father's day is especially trying for me; not just because i don't have one anymore, but also because he passed away on this very same day.

just another one of life's ironies.

my friends have been great though, and i'm not even sure if they realise just how supportive they've been unknowingly.

josh stopped by my workplace with a surprise in hand (literally) - a breathtakingly gorgeous sunflower. i absolutely adore sunflowers. actually, i love flowers! period. bring me a bunch of wildflowers plucked from the side of the road, and i'd be equally touched.

gen came over after work to give me a great big hug and some words of encouragement. i was so happy to see her, i practically leapt over a customer to hug her.

remember that night i mentioned scrounging around/friendster/blog-surfing at asylum while jobi did inventory? well, as she unpacked the new stock, my eye spied this übercute series of SUPER mini-badges in the form of a boy and a girl and a hedgehog etc. (from japan, i think) i expressed my extreme delight at the sight of them there and then. cue: alot of wild exclamations and general noisemaking.

just now, jobi said she had something for me over the phone. totally unaware, i met her and was presented with a flat brown package. when i open it, i find that she has gotten me the boy badge!?!!? AHHHH. okay, i admit - i was screeching like a banshee when i saw it. he's too cute!

i figure (and i guess she figures too):
since i can't have a REAL boy, might as well have a boy badge then. haha

thanks for tolerating my crap

the sky looks beautiful tonight. billions of stars glittering against a velvety backdrop. i looked up and stared at the night sky for a very long time, interrupting my midnight trek home.

i haven't laughed like this since the last time i laughed like this, when - i can't remember; whipped cream aka shaving cream landing on jacky's crotch. oops! black pubes (eww gross) roy's (arm) mus-cles, he's bringing sexy-arms back. his indie rock chick, tsk. auctioning 1/4 of A's boobs on ebay.

i was hesitant in taking a sip of water from my glass, for fear of spitting it all out at jacky's lamer than lame jokes (in his face, given his unfortunate seating position directly across me). the dude was on fire! if you ask me now, i'm afraid i probably will not be able to recite from memory all the things that were said, for there were simply too many.

as the tables that surrounded us will most likely tell you, we were pre-tty annoying, noisy and kiddyish. imagine this, jacky and i happily flinging (and me ducking behind A) paper napkins at each other (above and under the table), because... he stepped on my converse shoes first!

now i'm lying in bed, so-clean-i-squeak after a bath, completely slathered in body lotion. happy as a bird. i love it when i'm all sleepy and contented like this. it never lasts for as long as i wish it would, but i languish these moments all the same. such a rarity they are.

earlier on, while on a midday jaunt to practically all the topshop outlets in singapore, i spotted this supercute silver (matte, not sparkly) wallet in topman, with the design of a radio/cassette on it. i just had to buy it. so anyway, later that night - pre-nydc - i presented it to jacky as a small token of appreciation, with a note (a piece of receipt paper, more like) scotchtaped to the inside, bearing the hastily scribbled words: thanks for tolerating my crap all these years.


to be continued...

i don't know what i can save you from

*EDIT

the bus ride felt surreal.

as the familiar strains of rachael yamagata's "be be your love" gently came onto my earphones, my mind went back to this afternoon. nostalgia came crashing down on me, hard. my eye(lid)s were hot to the touch, and tired from all that crying.

it's bloody exhausting you know.

note: if this post sounds disjointed, it's only because my mind is in disarray. i can't remember where this day starts or how it ends. all i have are bits and pieces scribbled down on the palm of my left hand (i didn't have any paper on the bus - i left my notebook at work - and i needed to get my thoughts out somehow, nevermind where) and on a crumpled piece of paper (transferred over from my hand).

our meeting left me drained and feeling sick to the stomach, as if i had just taken a punch. well, to be honest, it felt more like a stab to me. with each word you so carelessly spat out - with nary a thought to it - you were in fact twisting the knife, deeper and deeper. more than you'll ever know.

let me tell you, from someone who knows, next to watching someone you love slowly fade away into the afterlife, one of the most painful things (in life) is to watch someone you love walk away from you. with each step you took, it seemed like an eternity stretching between us. bringing you further than you've ever been.

you spoke to me as if you were talking to a stranger, as if you didn't know anything about me past my name, as if we hadn't spent the past 8 years entertwined in each other's lives, as if i hadn't been there for you through every single one of your breakups (and makeups), showing up at your doorstep in the middle of the night in my pyjamas, as if we didn't watch each other grow up during the most crucial period of our lives, as if our friendship meant nothing to you.

worst, as if cutting us out of your life had no impact (on you) whatsoever.

that hurt like nothing i've known before.
the fact that you seemed so fucking happy.
that killed me.

i smiled a small smile, wondering if it did anything to mask the fact that i was about to collapse at your feet, or give you the false assurance/impression that i indeed had moved on with life too. i was good. fine. completely okay. then i turned and walked away - back to the comfort of my room - where i called gen, simultaneously making attempts calm down. but with each word i uttered, i felt myself (and my stubborn tearducts) losing control.

i thought about that little blink-and-you-miss-it action as i departed you both, it meant more to me that any words possibly could. i knew what you wanted to say, but could not. in that wink, you were trying to tell me: it's okay. you'll be okay.

i understood that you did not have any part in her decision (i pray to god you didn't); i doubt you could sway her even if you wanted to. we both know what she's like. you were always so nice, and i'm beyond glad you came into her life. please look after her, now that i can't.

sticks and stones may break my bones and harsh words may not hurt me, but kindness - i absolutely cannot take.

that was when i lost it. still on the phone, i started crying. bit by bit, layer by layer came crumbling down, until the tears came trickling, like a waterfall. one i could not possibly cease, even if i tried.

i clung onto A
1. like my life depended on it
2. for dear life
3. as if she were my life-support

i realise i've broken one of my "38 ways to live a good life" rules..

30. LEARN TO CRY - but not at work (that would just be unprofessional) or in the presence of a man who doesn't deserve it

but seriously, at moments like these, that has got to be the least of my worries.

after i stopped crying, calmed down and fixed my makeup, i got up and left the room with every intention of getting right back to work. but then i saw you again, and i just had to do it. i had to know why. what it was that made you do what you did.

you didn't want to talk about it, dismissing it with a casual flick of your wrist saying it was all in the past, when in fact, it was less than a few months ago on a whim, you decided to cut the people who've known and loved you for nearly a decade out of your life. just like that. as easy as ABC. you stated your reasons simply: people change. we grew apart. we no longer get along. we can still be friends, i just don't want to hang out with you guys anymore.

i stared at you, as if i were seeing you for the very first time. seeing you for who you really are.

after our conversation came to a close, i very calmly turned the lock, walked over to the sofa, and sat down. then like spontaneous combustion, i burst into a fit of hysterical sobs. huge rasping i-cannot-breathe sobs. they simply exploded out of me. i know this for a fact because i could hear myself; the sound of my asthmatic-sounding wails. i could hardly recognise the person making all that racket. but it was me. i did not know what to do with myself; to stand up or to sit down (i remember debating that in my head) even after i had already sat down.

i called A to come in again. i cried all over her shoulder - for the second time that day. she simply sat still and held my hand while i cried. and tried my best to explain how the conversation had unfolded. it was horrible. horrible does not even begin to explain it. i can't find the words right now, i doubt i ever will. i do know however, that i do not wish to ever have to go through that again.

i have no idea how to end this

no man, no cry.

EIC @ wala; what a perfect way to spend a sunday night.

"everything's gonna be alright. no woman no cry."

i nonchalantly said: "i'll order my usual." only to be rewarded with a bemused josh, "err.. what is your usual?" haha. "strawberry margarita!" thinking back on it, i might as well have ordered something stronger, wala's version is so super watered down, i could hardly tell the difference between gen's 'crush' (strawberry ice blended something) and my supposedly alcohol-infused margarita. these days, i hardly feel it. it tasted just like juice to me. and to think back in the day, i could actually get high on one of those. tsk.

i requested 'boston' by augustana but they didn't play it, because apparently jack is the one who usually sings it. instead, they performed a gorgeous rendition of john mayer's 'your body is a wonderland' - one of my favourites. as you can tell, i wasn't too upset or anything. hee.

aside from commenting on my flexible feet, (after the set) the lead singer apologised for not playing my request. i told him it was completely fine, and even explained the rationale behind the request. i never liked 'boston' until i heard EIC peform it live - that night josh and i left wala humming "you don't know me, and you don't even care" for the following couple of days.

oh, and earlier on in the day, jacky dropped by with the most pleasant & unexpected surprise; a little yellow sack of sweet-smelling famous amos cookies, (one of my favourite things in the world) how sweet! this brings me back to our design school days, hanging out in town after class. whenever we started nearing the famous amos in wisma, i would close my eyes and sniff the air but i refused to give in to the temptation (obviously, on occasion, i did.) jacky said i came to mind when he walked past it, so he bought some for me :)

it's days (and friends) like these, that make it all worthwhile.

i've got a feeling

agenda: a day of r&r with the best buds, as far away as humanly possible from my workplace/*.

and so we lounged in/outside and basically all around the pool at gen's place, like little lazy lizards. heh heh. sorry i just had to make that beyond crappy joke, and play with the use of alliteration. it was fantastic, just what i so desperately needed; i flopped over to lie on my tummy (the other two in the water) talking about everything under the sun (literally), and some particularly pressing matters at hand, which i shall refrain from putting into black and white - please read between the lines for once, let's keep them guessing shall we.

loads of uninhibited laughter and casual banter is probably what the doctor would've prescribed, i sure am one patient cured in that case. it was most definitely a midweek pick-me-up, i'm hoping this will keep my spirits up for the remainder of the week, at least.

lately, i've been feeling down (like, REALLY down) - due to a 'stellar' combination of events/factors/people, which once again i shall avoid mentionining like the plague - josh says that these days i'm hardly the same vic he knows and loves, no longer as bubbly, happy or half as insane. shocker! i had no idea i'd been so unhappy, until i was told that it showed, even on the outside. then there's that one person who had/has that unexplainable effect on my stomach and its contents, and... sigh. i feel my heart sink to my feet just thinking about **** ***.

my heart has been feeling so very heavy
these days,
that much is true.
please tell me what i should do.

today, i had the worst case of monday blues known to mankind. it was a lethal combination of pms (brought on by natural causes: hormones) + pms (point of origin: severe humidity) = bitchy/black face.

then came along my saviours - gen and josh - to save the day! (even though it was i, who donned the gold wonderwoman/WWF belt) happy juice; kiwi strawberry snapple (even though it leaked in my bag). movie; stomp the yard. man, i haven't had popcorn in ages. i like that i laughed so much i can't even count how many times or recall what it was about. i haven't sat in billy for-ever, in my head i imagined he had been repainted.

good ol' times. brings back alot of sweet memories; like nearly suffocating while waiting for josh and joleen, talking to myself to keep myself awake and from being 'poisoned' to 'death' by 'carbon monoxide'.

we got into an accident last night.

a relatively minor one albeit, but still, i was pretty shaken up. literally.

josh was sending me home - i was asleep when it happened - all i know is there was a loud bang, i hit my head against the window or ledge (wherever it was that i had fallen asleep against) and woke up in a daze. i could hear josh saying "shit" over and over.

i had absolutely no idea what had just taken place; i thought it was just a blown tyre (or we ran over something on the road) and asked him so. i don't recall if he replied, but i think he mentioned the steering wheel going out of control and hitting something.

i felt the coldness of dread seeping in.

i don't remember much about the events that unfolded last night, but i wisened up when i saw part of a bumper that had gotten detached in the middle of the road. i had no idea whom it belonged to, or the extent of damage... until i got out of the rover and walked back towards the taxi.

then i saw it. whoa.

the taxi's boot was quite badly banged up/smashed in. the yellow submarine had hit it on the left side - where i was seated - which explains why/how i banged my head, hard. i was still rubbing my head when i reached the taxi - where they were exchanging contacts, in a rather calm rational manner - so much so the taxi driver asked if i was okay. i nodded.

when i think about what could have happened, i swear to god, i feel real fear. josh has a seatbelt on his side but he wasn't wearing it, i on the other hand, don't even have one. we both could've crashed through the windscreen had the impact been any harder. i could've died, or worse, become paralysed or lost limbs, or.. the list could go on. i shudder at the thought of the 'what if' factor.

from now on, i'm taking my car. i do not care what she has to say about my driving, but it's safety over everything else, everytime. at least i have seatbelts, and airbags.

yet despite it all, josh still had the presence of mind to remain calm and focus on getting me home safely. outside my gate, he even hopped out and opened the door for me. i then asked him to check if there was any blood, scratch or bump on my head but there was no sign of injury.

i'm touched. *deep breath* all i can say is
"sometimes, bad things happen to good people".

i don't know what i did to deserve my friends, but jacky josh pp - you guys are a great bunch. gen made a comment about how my guy friends are incredibly gentlemanly, even compared to hers, and i have to agree. all the things you've done for me, simply amazing.

i've come to learn this the hard way;
most guys are only nice to you because they want something. all the niceties cease once they realise they're not going to get it.

josh, pp: i don't even know where to start. it's overwhelming, what you've done; witnessing my crazy antics, taking my mind off the broken heart and a certain someone - with loads of chilling out therapy (wala, one rochester, liquid kitchen, holland v - i miss that) acting as a peacemaker between my mother and i, counseling me in the kitchen while i cried till my eyes were puffy and my face swollen, sat morning gymming, the swimmming at raffles marina, the baileys-induced foursome in josh's bed, my wonderful 20th birthday!!... etc. FOR JUST BEING THERE.

jacky: this is worse! 4-5 years of friendship, honestly there's too much to say, too much we've been through together; you having been omnipresent throughout the ups and downs of all my pathetic 1.5 relationships and uncountable crushes - namely skb freakout sessions, the crying over the phone, severe outbreaks of pms and mood swings, assuring me when i was brimming with self-doubt during fyp, the good and bad times we've encountered to reach this comfortable place where we are right now. i'm so grateful you're here. with me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. if i never said it, i'm saying it now.
and right now, i can't say it enough. you are all blessings.

p/s: the most recent episode last night at phuture; i was bending over the counter ordering drinks on behalf of the highly indecisive company we were keeping - josh is positive the 1-for-1 (given it was after 12) and discount we received is because of my hard work. heh - when jacky realised my very short shorts were hardly covering much because some dude came up and stood directly behind my ass, pretty much up in the air.

so he intercepted (i think that's the word for it) and put himself in between. then the guy apparently started grinding him from behind, hands on his waist and all [i was provided with a realistically freaky live demo by jacky and pp later on, to my amusement/disbelief]

props to jacky, who took one for the team! (i think) poor guy. once again, i was very touched by his show of protectiveness. see, this is why i need to club with guys - PROTECTION!

p/p/s: crazy party girl mode was on last night! they played all my favourite songs after 3am; tokyo drift fast and furious (YAY!), maneater, promiscuous? sexyback.. the recollection isn't all that clear, but yeah :)

where are you?

Where are you?

Sarah - i assumed we'd be best friends till ... forever. i really expected to attend your wedding and you for mine. i thought that day would come just as you imagined (though pretty unrealistically); me, pregnant housewife *rolls eyes* holding the hands of two kids and you, multi-tasking businesswoman pulling out several handphones from your stockings. i never thought you'd cut us out of your life, with no remorse. nothing.

i've held back from saying anything i would regret, but try as i may, i can't avoid this. even if i don't think about it during the day, i've been dreaming of you at night.

yesterday i woke up with a dream fresh in my head. i don't know how long i've been dreaming the same dream, but i know it's not the first time. you and me were walking in a vast field; looking left or right, i can't see any signs of life other than green grass. we're walking back to my house. upon reaching my gate, i turn around and you're gone. somewhere along the way, you simply upped and left. i can't describe the feeling of emptiness that penetrated my heart when i found you were not there, a loneliness so deep it hurts to talk about you.

they keep playing this song at topshop, and it reminds me of you. she talks about waking up from a dream - even though hers is a romantic connotation - and wondering if the person she's looking for is right before her very eyes. somehow, the amosphere is appropriate - it applies.

my heart gets quiet when i hear this. for you, sarah.




Roy? i have to make things right with you before i leave.
Desmond? i miss you so so much my dearest friend.
Sheryl? i'm so worried, i can't call you or your house. where on earth are you?

there are a select few i never imagined in my wildest dreams would come to this; you are one of them. i thought you and me; even if we weren't together, could still be friends. i guess that was really foolish of me. it saddens me to have to resort to such means, but it seems to be the only way i can have peace of mind. your words pierce like sharp daggers, and you always seem to know just what to say to get to me. i know we won't ever get back together or be friends, unless you're willing to accept my conditions.

it's gotta be my terms or none at all.

anyway, the ipod has been ready for collection for a long time, you never turned up when you said you would. it's sitting in a corner of my room, collecting dust. please pick it up, i don't have time to deliver it over.

you are not alone.

thank you, from the bottom of my heart:
the wonderful friends/family who had utmost confidence and faith in me, even when i lacked them myself, especially so. your words of encouragement were incredibly heartwarming. now that the entire experience/ordeal is over, i muse to myself, if your staunch belief in my ability to succeed actually had anything to do with the end result.


the supporting cast: joshua, joleen, gen, jacky, anny
the family: mum, carol, v3

much love.

caught in a moment. *b'day version.

wow. i'm so overwhelmed.

for the first time ever, i'm lost for words. i don't know how or where to begin.

my 18th birthday was the most 'happening' birthday in my LIFE. it wasn't so much the happening part, more like so many things were happening at once (mostly unexpected), and i got caught up in the moment. i was so overwhelmed; i was scared, upset, PMSed, depressed, disappointed, excited, happy, in pain.. you get my drift.

i don't know if i can do my birthday justice simply by writing about it. you know how sometimes you go to the most fantastic party ever and have a GREAT time, but you try to write about it and you can't? you had too much fun, there was too much to write, in the end you were content to leave it in/at its best and most perfect form; in your memory.

my birthday was meant to be a HUGE deal for me, everyone knew why i wanted to turn 18 *grin* and how badly i wanted it. i had an ulcer under my tongue, i was recovering from my sore throat and flu, i had a bad allergic reaction all over my thigh, i was not in my best shape and i had somehow gotten a 2-tone suntan on my face by staying under the shade all day long. weird. and I GOT MY PERIOD. after 2 months of PMSless-ness, it came. gee.

long story short; this was NOT the way i had planned it to be.

i was supposed to be alot of things, but i was none. i cried ALOT. this was the first time i had cried so much about my birthday. i cried during and after the party on saturday because it really didn't feel like a birthday party; the people that mattered the most to me were not there and it just went all wrong. i was so unhappy. i was about to cut the cake but all i really wanted to do was cry. but i called my sis and cried on the phone to gen, then i was ok.

after the clock struck 12, i opened up all my presents. i was happy. i really was. then when i lay in bed thinking, i started tearing. which then led to full blown sobbing; i was in disbelief over the way things had turned out. i was scared about my rashes. it's terrifying seeing this fungal-bacteria thing literally consuming your entire thigh.

the next morning (birthday), the yelling commenced. i was 15 mins late, i didn't have class but i went to alter my timetable. my mum screamed all the way to school. you know the rule: you cannnot upset the birthday girl. well, she SO went there and back at least 5 times. for the absolute FIRST TIME in my life, i made a decision and i stuck to it. she thought it defiance, but it was just the practice of self-control. i shut up. funny how she's always telling me not to answer back, but this time, the more answering-back she DID NOT GET, the more enraged she got. i reached school and the dam was about to break. i was desperately calling everyone, anyone. i just needed to get it out of me. i called manda and she was cheerful as ever. then she picked up on the weird tone in my voice. she was in the next room. i went over and proceeded to cry all over her. you know, she being roughly 3/4 my height and all. after that, i calmed down. msged my mum, explained things. i made it right.

i was in this ultra zen-like mode, almost as if i was gliding along instead of walking. it was as if i KNEW that god was trying to intentionally place these challenges before me as a means of distracting me from the actuality of the situation; that NO MATTER WHAT, at the end of the day i would still get my greatest wish fulfilled. i would be 18! (unless i got knocked down by a car or something.. *touch wood*)

i went to meet my best friends. andrea and i were busy playing the roles of taitais, with our Christian Dior bags [hers bangkok, mine hongkong]. orginal? OF COURSE NOT! firm believer in imitations here! hah. she even came up with a taitai joke as part of the lightbulb series:

"how many taitais does it take to change a lightbulb?" "zero. they'll get someone else to do it for them."

to fulfil my craving for cheese, we went to NYDC at wheelock. we ordered the pasta heaped with cheese. yum. andrea and gen shared theirs. sherl came later on. took tons of pictures. posed with my presents. we ordered the... get ready for this:

"jedi mudster." may the force be with you :)

haha.. for some reason, i found this supremely fascinating and hilarious. so i laughed nonstop until my eyes shut. [small eyes, natural response to laughter] i was high. my friends were so embarrassed when occasional shrieks of laughter carried over from our table to the rest of the place, for no apparent reason somemore. hah. suddenly everything seemed funny. after i read the brief synopsis-like thing on the menu about the jedi mudster, i started chanting,"jedi mudster.. jedi mudster..." in the hopes that the waiter would somehow read my mind a la the mighty yoda. what rubbish. hah. yes, my state of mind right then was.. unexplainable.

my friends were bemused and bewildered.

make like yoda and say,"bemused and bewildered my friends were" -? sound familiar? "begun the cold war has." -star wars episode 2.

*snort* and so, the saga continues... sarah came over. by that time, we were stoned shitless. headed over to starbucks [my fav place for its armchairs. tock seng's hospital has the BEST!] only to walk out after deciding we were hungry. off to BK. settled down noisily with the commotion that comes naturally with us rowdy people. hah. ate and ate until we were sick of onion rings. literally stuffing them down each others' throats. snapping shots like supermodels on steroids. --until this weird guy asked if he too could take a picture of us. to which i said N-O.

too bad. i would've loved to post up the pictures. pictures say a whole lot more than words. they're with vivagen. new nickname! anyway, we planned a whole lotta zouk outings; when everyone comes back from their respective holidays, we shall all go and wreak havoc. *evil grin* i was excited. i AM excited. can't wait. hugs and promises to meet again were exchanged. we parted ways and i went to see a doctor. talk about anticlimax.

11078906 you guys.

you know, i never meant for my birthday to be so drama. THINGS HAPPEN.

me without you

i have piano at 9am tomorrow morning. i don't know what i'm doing awake when i should be sleeping, but i think it's been established long ago that i am a nocturnal creature who detests sunlight. maybe i should make like the bat family residing along the leaves of my coconut tree and 'hang' with them. get it? ha ha ha. fine. lame. alright, alright! *hands up*

i just watched a show on star movies called "me without you". 2 girls grow up as next door neighbours. they become best friends. make a pact to remain best friends forever. one pretty, one not so pretty. they grow up. pretty one keeps snatching nsp's guys, everything else that matters to her. she's domineering, demanding and basically she's a biatch. me me me.

so. that movie just summed up my friendship with her. well, not to that extreme. but yeah holly told marina that when they're together, she felt fat, ugly, not good enough, insecure, unsuccessful.. etc. yeah that's true. sometimes i do wish i had the internship, the guys.. etc. we didn't grow up together, neither are we next door neighbours. we have VERY different taste in guys. i don't have the hots for her brother, because she doesn't have one. but i share the same name as her sister. even the characters were similar. flashy. more conservative.

in the end holly left. the friendship was stifling her. marina was needy and clingy. she messed up her life at her own hands.

guess what? holly got the guy. she also got her happy ending.

so maybe, just maybe.. i'll get mine. what do you say?

the chocolate bar/hanging up

i really don't know what to do with you. please, TELL me what to do with you, and i will.

i've known you for the better part of my pubescent years, i've grown and matured alongside you. we all did. remember us?

when things got this way? i don't know. how they got this messed up? i don't know either.

last night was a mistake.

time and time again, i keep agreeing to go along with mad insane schemes destined for failure. have i not learnt my lesson? have i failed you as a friend? YOU tell me. i love you. i can't imagine my life without you in it. yet, you keep disappointing me.

it's a vicious cycle. they always start off wonderful. everything's all, peaches!. guys are so good at camouflaging their inner jerks. i keep telling you that you don't know them well or long enough, that they are not good enough for you. do you think i'm saying that FOR FUN? that i enjoy having to act as your conscience? I DON'T. i have my own life to worry about. you never listen to me, but you always come back full of apologies, saying that you should've listened.

each time you go back out there and make the same mistake, my heart breaks.

do you know that? do you even care? do you ever think about how i feel?

you keep setting yourself up for disappointment. and you don't even know it. they all objectify you. not one of them is to be spared from this. simply because, they are all the same. you are not being treated the way you deserve to be. you never have.

i'm tired.

keeping track of your lovelife is not my job. remembering all their names is not my sole mission in life. tom, dick or harry, i don't give a damn.

last night, you screwed me. and then i screwed you right back.

was the 1 1/2 hour wait not long enough? one. and. a. half. HOURS. fine. they come. bearing NO apologies. fine. they are all brainless and gave off the impression that even if they did have brains, they obviously forgot to read the instruction manual. because all they did was talk about S-E-X. who slept with who. how many girls he did. how many guys she slept with. oh, wait.. that's not how they said it. it was more like," F this and F that." that person's a whore. that guy's a dick. fine. my IQ dropped at least 200 points just sitting there and listening to all that crap. i bet my IQ is now a negative number.

" oh, i'm in a band. let me in for free. i'm the king of the world." rii-ght. dude, you're in SINGAPORE. sing-a-pore. hello? we worship lee kuan yew, not hugh hefner.

besides being totally rude, obnoxious, stupid and UGLY- oh yeah, if you haven't noticed yet or if you're still in the state of denial, that IS your face. and it's U-G-L-Y. they were all pretty much fat, disgusting jerks only interested in one thing. sex. gee, why am i not surpised?

could you be any less obvious? at least wipe the grotesque chee koh pek looks off your fat red faces. i felt insulted to be associated with your kind. i took one look at the sleazy little place you suggested and i felt like a cheap whore. after all, all the other girls there were underaged and underdressed; how was i to know that you could only get in if you were cheap, and readily flaunting it?

and then you, of all people did the unforgivable.

i cannot believe you brought it up. in the presence of all those jerks, who were COMPLETE STRANGERS to me. you casually dissected my first 'half relationship' as if it were just a random corpse in the morgue. you hurt me. you have no idea what was going through my head. i would've slapped you if it wasn't for the table between us. you had absolutely NO RESPECT for my privacy. yes, it failed. are you happy? i do not go around telling strangers about my past relationships. neither do i have to explain why it failed. it's not something i discuss openly with people. but you embarrassed me. and you humiliated me in front of those jerks. not that i care what they think. but at least let me have my dignity. could you have done that for me? nope. no can do. instead you went on rambling about a call i made to you from my house, which never happened.

let me make this clear. i've never slept with anyone in my life. i've never allowed anyone to touch me when i go clubbing. i've never given out my number to strangers. i've never picked up a guy in my life either. i've never even *** ** ***** ****.

so i left.

and i'm glad i did. my brains would've burst if i had to stand one more moment there pretending to be fine, while you did the expected and left me hanging.

as for the rest of the night. i saw this coming long ago. you know what you did. and you know you deserve what's happened. i do feel sorry for you. but don't expect me to forget, because i won't.

YOU DESERVE BETTER. ALWAYS HAVE. ALWAYS WILL.

but you see, so do i.

sometimes i wonder after all this shit that has happened, why we're still friends. sometimes i forget. i can't keep watching in silence, while you let yourself get treated this way.

soon, my patience will run dry. and i will leave, just like i did last night.

this time, i will be the one leaving you hanging.