the chocolate bar/hanging up

i really don't know what to do with you. please, TELL me what to do with you, and i will.

i've known you for the better part of my pubescent years, i've grown and matured alongside you. we all did. remember us?

when things got this way? i don't know. how they got this messed up? i don't know either.

last night was a mistake.

time and time again, i keep agreeing to go along with mad insane schemes destined for failure. have i not learnt my lesson? have i failed you as a friend? YOU tell me. i love you. i can't imagine my life without you in it. yet, you keep disappointing me.

it's a vicious cycle. they always start off wonderful. everything's all, peaches!. guys are so good at camouflaging their inner jerks. i keep telling you that you don't know them well or long enough, that they are not good enough for you. do you think i'm saying that FOR FUN? that i enjoy having to act as your conscience? I DON'T. i have my own life to worry about. you never listen to me, but you always come back full of apologies, saying that you should've listened.

each time you go back out there and make the same mistake, my heart breaks.

do you know that? do you even care? do you ever think about how i feel?

you keep setting yourself up for disappointment. and you don't even know it. they all objectify you. not one of them is to be spared from this. simply because, they are all the same. you are not being treated the way you deserve to be. you never have.

i'm tired.

keeping track of your lovelife is not my job. remembering all their names is not my sole mission in life. tom, dick or harry, i don't give a damn.

last night, you screwed me. and then i screwed you right back.

was the 1 1/2 hour wait not long enough? one. and. a. half. HOURS. fine. they come. bearing NO apologies. fine. they are all brainless and gave off the impression that even if they did have brains, they obviously forgot to read the instruction manual. because all they did was talk about S-E-X. who slept with who. how many girls he did. how many guys she slept with. oh, wait.. that's not how they said it. it was more like," F this and F that." that person's a whore. that guy's a dick. fine. my IQ dropped at least 200 points just sitting there and listening to all that crap. i bet my IQ is now a negative number.

" oh, i'm in a band. let me in for free. i'm the king of the world." rii-ght. dude, you're in SINGAPORE. sing-a-pore. hello? we worship lee kuan yew, not hugh hefner.

besides being totally rude, obnoxious, stupid and UGLY- oh yeah, if you haven't noticed yet or if you're still in the state of denial, that IS your face. and it's U-G-L-Y. they were all pretty much fat, disgusting jerks only interested in one thing. sex. gee, why am i not surpised?

could you be any less obvious? at least wipe the grotesque chee koh pek looks off your fat red faces. i felt insulted to be associated with your kind. i took one look at the sleazy little place you suggested and i felt like a cheap whore. after all, all the other girls there were underaged and underdressed; how was i to know that you could only get in if you were cheap, and readily flaunting it?

and then you, of all people did the unforgivable.

i cannot believe you brought it up. in the presence of all those jerks, who were COMPLETE STRANGERS to me. you casually dissected my first 'half relationship' as if it were just a random corpse in the morgue. you hurt me. you have no idea what was going through my head. i would've slapped you if it wasn't for the table between us. you had absolutely NO RESPECT for my privacy. yes, it failed. are you happy? i do not go around telling strangers about my past relationships. neither do i have to explain why it failed. it's not something i discuss openly with people. but you embarrassed me. and you humiliated me in front of those jerks. not that i care what they think. but at least let me have my dignity. could you have done that for me? nope. no can do. instead you went on rambling about a call i made to you from my house, which never happened.

let me make this clear. i've never slept with anyone in my life. i've never allowed anyone to touch me when i go clubbing. i've never given out my number to strangers. i've never picked up a guy in my life either. i've never even *** ** ***** ****.

so i left.

and i'm glad i did. my brains would've burst if i had to stand one more moment there pretending to be fine, while you did the expected and left me hanging.

as for the rest of the night. i saw this coming long ago. you know what you did. and you know you deserve what's happened. i do feel sorry for you. but don't expect me to forget, because i won't.

YOU DESERVE BETTER. ALWAYS HAVE. ALWAYS WILL.

but you see, so do i.

sometimes i wonder after all this shit that has happened, why we're still friends. sometimes i forget. i can't keep watching in silence, while you let yourself get treated this way.

soon, my patience will run dry. and i will leave, just like i did last night.

this time, i will be the one leaving you hanging.