Guidelines for life, yo

New Year's Resolutions Guidelines - Things to do before turning 30

1. Enrich Myself

• Sleep at least 8 hours a day
• Drink lots and lots of water
• Eat well; less oily and unhealthy food, more vegetables and fruits
• Take my vits regularly
• Exercise 20-30 mins at least 3x a week
• Leave work on time
• Invest more in skincare

DO:

• Complete the DIY cross stitch I got for my birthday
• Read more books; finish reading How to Build a Billion Dollar App
• Attend art exhibitions, do more cultural things
• Paint / draw, express myself more creatively in my free time
• Learn a new language - Spanish? Improve Mandarin?
• Attend a workshop on Economics and/or Excel
• Attend floral arrangement classes
• Plant flowers, fruits or vegetables 
• Do volunteer work; mentor troubled youth, organize a beach/street clean-up
• Reuse, reduce, recycle

2. Enrich Relationships (Family & Friends)

• Try out new recipes; cook my family a meal once a month
• Organize dinners / drinks, host art jams / game nights 
• Plan a family trip to Korea, friends trip to Bali / Taiwan?

3. Enrich Love Life (Partner)

• Go on dates (do things together) once a month - no matter how casual or small - love isn't always about the big gestures, intimacy is in the little details
• Make plans in advance for travel & adventures! 
• Spend quality time together and apart (refer to section 'Enrich Myself')
• Be kind to each other and to ourselves

I haven't had the urge to write/blog in ages; 'studying' journalism at university and working as a media & marketing reporter for a year in London somehow tainted the experience for me. I type away on the laptop all day every day for work, yet writing for pleasure feels almost foreign now. It's as if I've forgotten how to express myself through the written word. I pray it's like playing the piano; hopefully my fingers will remember the keys even if my eyes no longer recognize the score.

Funnily enough, the day before 1 Jan 2016, I had the rather shocking realization that this would be THE year I turn 30. I felt the sudden and in-explainable desire to pen every single thought in my head. What is that feeling? PANIC. How did I get to become 29 (on the cusp of 30) in the blink of an eye? Why am I so unaccomplished? Endless items on the checklist of life to be ticked off, so many experiences yet to experience, places to explore, dreams and ambitions to be realized... (bad habits to kick, ahem) and so on...

I couldn't quench that urgent desire to write, and it increasingly reeked of desperation. Why the panic to write a few bloody resolutions? I felt pressured to tick items off a list, things I assumed a 30-year old should've accomplished and more importantly, should be. A ticking time bomb (deadline: x December 2016) in the form of a to-do list. How ridiculous.

Halfway through writing this, I realized how silly I was being.

We live in a society where everybody (literally) has something to say about you, to you. From your 95 year old grand-aunt who claims she has one year left and pressures your elder sister/you to be married by June; to your overly conservative and borderline sexist co-worker who tells you you have a 'Fuck You Face' and randomly (read: cryptically) texts you a URL to an article about 'The science of the Resting Bitch Face' (in what one can only assume is a passive-aggressive manner) to your mother who constantly reminds you that you are 'difficult'; and acquaintances who say "no offence" then proceed to tell you what THEY think you are good/bad at, in a backhanded kind of way (based on no real evidence) and what you should do with your life.

You know what? I don't need another person placing unnecessary pressure on me to live up to some imaginary standard and definition of what a 30 year old should be. Even and especially if that person is myself. At the end of the day, all that matters is that I try my best. And so, I shall think of my New Year's Resolutions as Guidelines, after all, isn't life a Work In Progress meant to be tweaked as we go along?

And with that, enough for tonight. Adios amigos x

Regression to the mean

"One day I'll wake up 
And it won't hurt anymore"



Even if you don't remember me, remember my name
I remember you, and yours.

Even if you don't feel anything when you look at me,
When I look at you,
I remember the way I felt when I was with you,
The way you made me feel.

The way you kissed me, held me,
Made me laugh, made me cry.

My face in your hands.
Your kiss on the back of my shoulder.
Your arms around my waist.
My hand in yours. Your lips on mine.
Fingers and bodies intertwined.

When You and I were Us.
I remember the first time, and the last.

I'll never understand why I feel the way I feel about you,
All I know is...
I'll remember for the both of us.

A snapshot of love in full flight

"Under the endless invoices from nannies and car mechanics, receipts from the supermarket with points promised yet never collected, and a veritable Commonwealth of magnets acquired at various travel hubs, lies a photograph that must date from the first year my girlfriend and I began seeing each other. I’ve no idea who took the picture but I’ve always been especially fond of it. She is on my back in my arms, and I appear to be running as hard as I’m laughing. The glowing red cherry of someone’s cigarette smudges across the frame. A snapshot of love in full flight; the very essence of that first, wild, beautiful year where we would stay up all night and do all the things lovers are supposed to do, and many of the things they’re not." 

- Jonathan Heaf on Date-Night Dressing

And if my heart should somehow stop

And there are times I know when I will have to chase you
And the further from my side you go, the longing grows
And I will hate it, I still want you,
Cause I will hate it, but I still want you around

Another sleepless night. 
I find myself here again, penning my thoughts. 
Why am I thinking about you? 
Perhaps this is a symptom of post-traumatic (Valentine's Day) syndrome.

Romance... what is that? 

I used to think love and romance were about grand gestures - flowers, couple rings, candlelight dinners - and showy declarations. It's taken me 27 years to realize otherwise. True romance is in the little gestures.

It's easy enough to splash out on one day a year, but it's quite another thing to hold her to sleep every night, to make her breakfast in bed every day, to walk her to and from the train station without fail, to carry her out of the bathroom after every shower, to prepare baths for her (complete with candles and incense) after a long day, to crazy dance with her (wearing pjs) in the kitchen/living room when a good song comes on, and slow dance with her (standing on your feet) surrounded by people at a party, looking into each other's eyes like you're the only ones in the room. To draw her little maps (because she always gets lost) and leave typewritten notes around the house for her to find, to sketch her when she's unaware, to make her limitless cups of coffee and tea, to chide her when she's hungover and nurse her when she's ill. To love her through the good, the bad and the crazy.

To tell her she's the best thing to ever happen to you, 

And to leave her because you know it's the best thing for her. 

Almost 2 years on, and I still haven't been able to fully open my heart and let anyone else in. I'm afraid no one will ever love me the way you loved me. That I'm incapable of loving like that again, because I'm terrified of getting hurt. I'm so broken on the inside I don't feel anything anymore. Worse of all, I don't think I want to feel. 

We all get one great love in this lifetime, I'm afraid you might have been it. 

I want you to know, 
that when I hurt you I didn't understand what I was doing. 
But I do now. 

I didn't love myself enough to let you love me.

"Dearest Gilly, sometimes I feel there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know... Maybe I've had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon." 

- Practical Magic

Before Sunrise / Before Sunset

"When you've felt that much about a man and he disappears from your life, after a while you start to think it was just some foolish illusion on your part and that the other person walked clean away, no scar tissue. But maybe the other person felt the same."

It's unhelpful quotes like these which are the reason I am where I am today. Sitting cross-legged in bed post-clubbing at 5:51 am on a Sunday morning, hair dripping wet from the shower, wearing glow-in-the-dark pjs from when I was eleven, and thinking of you.

Still you. Always you.

Finally watched Before Sunrise and Before Sunset consecutively. From over three hours of dialogue, this resonated the most: "I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times." 

In my twenty six years, I've only had a handful of true (romantic) connections, some of which culminated in relationships, others which were fleeting but memorable nonetheless. I'm painfully aware of how rare it is to connect so intensely with someone on a mental, emotional and physical level, which is why I couldn't / don't / will never understand how you could simply walk away.

I guess the difference between you and me is that I've experienced firsthand the brevity of life at a young age, so when something special comes along, I know better than to let it slip away. After all, life is short; it could all end tomorrow. Might as well have lived today.

It's too late now anyway. The damage has been done. You've made a fool out of me.

Friends, you say? Why? So you can convince yourself you didn't hurt me as deeply as you did? Sorry, but my pride - pretty much all I have left - won't let me; I can't be friends with someone I'm still in love with. Although if anyone asks, I will plead plausible deniability. It's hard enough admitting it to myself, let alone others. For God's sake, I can't even look him in the eye for fear of giving myself away.

Above all, I refuse to beg someone to want to be with me. I've lived long enough; I deserve better than HAM. I deserve better, full stop.

an exercise in restraint

if RS has taught me anything, it's this.

we shall see.

forgiveness

looking at old photographs; achingly bittersweet. memories i've almost forgotten making. filled with the strangest sensation; like looking at another me, in another life. i recognize my own face, but feel nothing. empty inside. in this very instant, it feels like my seemingly endless reserve(s) of love have suddenly run dry. as if nothing in the world could ever make me feel whole again - just in this instant.


wondering how one can be so certain about the future in a moment, how one can make plans, have hopes and dreams... and how easily a heart can change at any given time. when that happens, there's not a damn thing you can do about it. no amount of tears or money in the world can turn back time; back to day one zero, start all over again, "hello stranger."


they say, when the heart knows, it knows. i guess you could say, i knew when to take my leave. i just never knew i knew, if that makes any sense at all.


i'm not sad or nostalgic. i'm not anything, really. if i had a choice, i'd do it all over again. if i could live my life one more time, i would live it exactly as i had lived it before, 


but better.

"SHE LIVED WITH GRACE AND DIGNITY" 

if i had my way, i would have that engraved on my tombstone

..... but i'm not certain i can say that about myself anymore. in the eyes of some, i've fallen from grace and there seems to be nothing i can do to regain a shred of dignity. what's worse is... i used to see myself as a paragon of virtue (ha ha, as if!) at the very least - a good, honest person. the kind of person who would never knowingly hurt another. and yet, in doing what was instinctive (and necessary) for the sake of my sanity/survival at the time, i hurt the ones who loved me most. 


i've never been on THEOTHERSIDE before; i don't like it over here.


the past half a year has been a continuous uphill battle, my heart has grown weary. i don't want to fight anymore. i don't have the emotional capacity to survive another war of words.


in your eyes, i have sinned; and for some reason unfathomable to all but you, the betrayal burns deeper than any other. you might as well burn me at the stake and be done with it, because short of a miracle i don't see you letting go of this anytime soon - say within the next 10 years?


however, the ultimate question is: can i ever forgive myself? how does one even begin to seek/attain forgiveness from oneself? 

for·giveness (fər giv′nis)

noun

1. a forgiving or being forgiven; pardon
2. inclination to forgive or pardon

what the * have i done.

i'm speechless
and trust me, that doesn't happen often
even blue moons occur with a higher frequency.

first, there was shock
then came that all-too-familiar
sick feeling, rising
from deep in the pit of my stomach
the pale face and shaking hands
next anger, raised voices
finally
calm. silence.

i'm so stupid.
somewhere deep in my subconscious,
i already knew this was going to happen.
yet, like a fool
i waited.
that's all i seem to do these days,
wait.

kinda like, you know it's bad for you
but you still do it anyway?

the little voice inside your head is going:
don't do it!
but you ignore it,
pay it no heed.
instead,
you jump headfirst
into the next big potential mess.

this is harder than i ever thought it would be,

"nobody said it was easy,
it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard."
- the scientist, coldplay.

but i've been through worse,
and i shall pull myself through this
the way i always do, (hopefully)

move forward, don't look back.

thank you daddy,
because of you
my tears have all dried up,
i can't cry no more.
as much as i want to,
there're none left to shed.
and in this case
that's a good thing
believe me.

on a different, but similarly painful note, it's funny how just one look at your photo sends a jolt through me. more like an electric shock. what the fuck have i just done. what have i done.

sometimes i wish i had all the answers. don't you?

i wish i could meet someone for the first time and just know, "he's THE ONE", i wish love wasn't so bloody complicated, heck, i wish life wasn't so bloody complicated. i wish i knew what the hell i was doing - have i made the biggest mistake of my life? have i just walked away from the love of my life? have i completely screwed up and hurt everyone who ever cared about me? my mother seems to think so, correction, know so, but then again she also insists that i'm crazy so... whatevs.

yes no maybe i don't know, can you repeat the question?

8 years on and none the wiser. i seem to have acquired an irritating knack of meeting the sleaziest scummiest douchebags in the history of mankind. abusive guys, shockingly (below)average guys who think they're all that, guys who lie, period. (hence my current policy of checking ID on the first encounter), guys who think that money can buy you friends/lovers + objectify women and have severe groping tendencies - and these are just the scumbags hailing from the minuscule island of singapore.
 
don't forget the creepy german, aussie banker with ex-wife who propositioned me in hotel lobby, dutch guy who asked louie if he could 'borrow' me for a night, young swiss in barca, possible bisexual czech at gay club in amsterdam, polish chef at house party, swedish millionaire cum asshole in milan, condescending politician from oxford - the list goes on - i can't remember them all but i sure as hell have met some interesting/weird guys in my brief 24 years.
 
now what?

the terrifying truth is, i really DON'T know anything anymore - i'm just as confused as i was at 16, the age of my first foray into the big bad world of relationships - and as much as i hate that glaringly obvious fact, i've acknowledged that in life there are some things you're not SUPPOSED to know eg: who you're going to marry and have 10 children with.

if i could predict everything ahead of time, i'd be psychic now wouldn't i? besides, where's the fun in being a know-it-all?

your ex-lover is dead.

When there is nothing left to burn
You have to set yourself on fire

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said, "Yes I think we've met before"
In that instant it started to pour

Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me you see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From a house down the road, from real love

Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

Kitty: As you can see, I've worn a lot of shoes in my life. It's time to focus on me for awhile and go barefoot.
RM: But, hypothetically speaking.
Kitty: You mean, hypothetically, if I didn't work for you.
RM: Hypothetically, of course.
Kitty: You'd be the first pair I'd try on.
RM: (slowly he smiles and they clink together wine glasses)

colourblind

just out of curiosity,
when will enough be enough?

just how much am i supposed to endure before i'm (verbally/physically) allowed to retaliate? why do i have to play little miss nice all the time? why is it that i seem to perpetually be on the losing end? what, do i have "bully me" stamped across my forehead?! what exactly have i done to warrant this kind of treatment? pray tell..

am i too naive, gullible, innocent... all of the above, or just plain delusional. (wait no, don't answer) hook line and stinking sinker, i fall for the same crap time and time and time again. from Y>Y>L>T>T. *shudders*

see, here's the thing (cute little ref. to gym class heroes): i've been wracking my brains the past few days (a truckload of drama [relatively minor, only in relation to past typical-victoria-type dramas] has unfolded, naturally) and i've actually run out of reasons to explain this phenomenon.

it's just one stellar example of life playing a cruel and seemingly neverending/endless/continuous joke on me.

i shan't even bother feeling sorry for myself, or attempt the whole "woe is me" act. boofrickinhoo. this is far too ironic for even the likes of me. one can't help but laugh bitterly in the face of this 'adversity' haha. i mean, what else is there to do?

repeat after me:

when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!


ever heard the saying "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me." well yeah, that applies too.

*wry smile* funny, isn't it?

was chatting to deb all the way in nz.. can't recall whether it was just this afternoon or the night before (time difference and all that, messes with my head) might've been both. even though we haven't spoken on the phone in... ever - being the tech-savvy folks that we are, *snort* we've always felt more inclined to email (the real hook is the concoction of subject titles. ooh.. i'm pretty sure only you and i got that deb. CUE: INSIDE JOKE) - yet somehow it feels fine... comfortable.

let me tell you, she is one wise child, (fine. 'child' is taking it a bit far, given that she's only like half a year younger *grin*) i often tell her she's blessed with wisdom beyond her years. so true.

she tells me to calm down and not let my feelings show, which i'm interpreting as;
1. never let them have the upper hand.
2. always keep your poker face on.
3. show no sign of emotion.

..... to be cont'd

status: hooked on meteor garden reruns on youtube. daomingsi! now that's what i call effort!

Victoria is lying in bed with the tissue box, experiencing the first signs of post-traumatic internal bleeding.

i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.
i refuse to go there.

i saw this face.. this vision.. you're perfect.

it was the moment of my life.

you came to. you said, "hello stranger."

what a floozy!

i love you. i love everything about you.

you're wonderful.

don't ever forget it.

good.

come here.

i don't kiss strange men.

neither do i.

i don't want trouble.

i'm not trouble.

you're taken.

you. kissed. me.

what are you, twelve?

my boyfriend's here.

he's here, where?

there.

he's very pretty.

she's. very. tall.

did you have sex with him?

yes.

is he good?

ANSWER THE QUESTION!!

why are you doing this?

did you ever love me?

i'm waiting for you.

to do what?

leave me.

i totally love you, what is this?

you're lying, i've been you.

are you flirting with me?

maybe.

why did you swear eternal love when all you wanted was excitement?

love bores you.

no, it disappoints me.

you women don't understand the territory, because you are the territory.

it's not a war.

"hello stranger."

everything you want.

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

the answer to the age-old adage - why can't i have everything? - is simple,

because you can't.

how do i make it stop?

everywhere i turn, i see couples couples and more couples.

not that it's a bad thing, but...

HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP?

MEREDITH: "You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done! All the boys and all the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cares? I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore."
DEREK: "This thing with us is finished. It's over."
MEREDITH: "Finally."
DEREK: "Yeah, it's done."
MEREDITH: "It is done."

part-time lover.

"... Boyfriends become part-time lovers."

- Milla Jovovich


don't know why it struck a chord,
it just did.

actually, the answer is so obvious and in-my-face, denying it would be doing no one a favour.

i miss having a boyfriend.

so there,
i said it.

wait a minute, hold your horses!
to be a 100% totally and completely accurate
i miss the NOTION of having a boyfriend
the boyfriend bit...

err not so much, no.

with my crazy working hours, i wonder if it's feasible to carry out a PROPER relationship under these circumstances - and by 'proper' i mean the whole ten yards - DATING, ROMANCE, CANDLELIT DINNERS, LONG WALKS BY THE BEACH, FLOWERS, CHOCOLATES, HOUR LONG CONVERSATIONS OVER THE PHONE EVERY NIGHT, STARGAZING AT THE PARK [on a red & white gingham picnic mat no less!]

... this is my idea of romance/dating, i don't give a damn how exaggerated it sounds, it's my fantasy so ZIP IT! - or to have to resort to keeping (a) part-time lover(s) to occupy my free time. ha ha ha. kidding, really. no, not really. really! not really! go figure.

i must say i'm getting mentally tired just thinking of playing the whole dating game again. it feels so been-there-done-that, even though technically i've neither been there nor done that, every one of the 1.5 relationships i've been in kinda just hurricaned through the 'dating' bit straight into nothingness. just once, i'd like to take my time, not be rushed into anything and go slow: the way we all say we will, but never do.

it's ironic how much of a cynical romantic i've become; trying so hard to keep believing yet to remain in disbelief.