"I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.
Spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
Smeared the lipstick on her face.
Slammed the door and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me up and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note it said, "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

surprise surprise, we all seem to be having a phenomenally bad day today. from amanda and lili to myself to just.. everyone in general. i spent HOURS sitting in the computer lab, sifting through 80+ images from my shoot, trying to narrow down the scope so that i could eventually select 2 final images. after a couple of mind-numbing hours.. nothing. they all started to look exactly the same. i could no longer differentiate one from the other.

out of sheer frustration, my head automatically started finding faults in all of the images i had narrowed it down to; closing window after window till my eyes fell upon the last one standing. that shall have to do, thought i.

you don't get it, do you? the feeling of being isolated and alone even when you're surrounded by people. i don't know where it's coming from, but there's a silent force compelling me to do something completely out of my nature; it makes me want to stand up in the middle of the room and scream and scream until everyone stops what they're doing and turns to look at me.

great. now you think i'm crazy. well, you're not the only one. i do too.

my entire being feels overwhelmed. there is no one here from home to talk to, not the way i used to anyway. amanda and lili are too amazing, but gen, jacky, jol, josh.. etc. gen and i have nearly a decade of history behind us and with that comes an easy understanding that surpasses most other friendships. that kind of history cannot be replaced in a matter of months by anyone. ever. jacky, jol, josh; the best friends anyone could have asked for. selfless, caring, generous.. they truly seem to give a shit about me, and will BE THERE when i need a shoulder to cry on.

i remember the time mummy and i fought so badly i could hardly move; i simply lay in bed motionless, joleen lying next to me, as i sobbed my heart out. josh was downstairs trying to pacifiy mum. it was a saturday morning, we were all supposed to hit the gym. eventually, after much consolation on their part, i managed to drag myself out of bed - despite the swollen eyes/face - and get my act together. i recall how jol came through for me in hk - that was pretty recent in fact. i was surprised and touched by her genuine concern. i wouldn't have survived the ordeal had it not been for her. *hug*

lastly, jacky.
need i say more, or anything at all?

he's been there more times than i can count. i couldn't pick one moment even if i had to, there are simply too many. he's seen me through plentiful ups and downs; all my relationships, boy drama, drama in general, family issues, work/school-related issues, personal issues - basically, everything. sometimes i feel like we've been in an actual relationship. he knows too much haha. i love you jacky. by the way, i just called him long-distance to ask him how to use photoshop. i was freaking out okay! i needed someone to talk to, someone who knows me, and gets me. he knew there was more to it than just the photoshoot and photoshop. so do i. i just can't put my finger on it.

... the day semi-ended on a good note, i think. i've never seen a ladybug (in my life) until i came to uk, which makes the official count 3, today included. i found one sitting next to lili in the library com lab. i was overjoyed! WHEE! i even got her to take some photos of it sitting in the palm of my hand :) it's a sign of good luck to come.

i keep telling myself: this will all be over soon. this too shall pass. soon, i'll be home.

16 days to my 21st
17 days till rome
24 days till home