Guidelines for life, yo

New Year's Resolutions Guidelines - Things to do before turning 30

1. Enrich Myself

• Sleep at least 8 hours a day
• Drink lots and lots of water
• Eat well; less oily and unhealthy food, more vegetables and fruits
• Take my vits regularly
• Exercise 20-30 mins at least 3x a week
• Leave work on time
• Invest more in skincare

DO:

• Complete the DIY cross stitch I got for my birthday
• Read more books; finish reading How to Build a Billion Dollar App
• Attend art exhibitions, do more cultural things
• Paint / draw, express myself more creatively in my free time
• Learn a new language - Spanish? Improve Mandarin?
• Attend a workshop on Economics and/or Excel
• Attend floral arrangement classes
• Plant flowers, fruits or vegetables 
• Do volunteer work; mentor troubled youth, organize a beach/street clean-up
• Reuse, reduce, recycle

2. Enrich Relationships (Family & Friends)

• Try out new recipes; cook my family a meal once a month
• Organize dinners / drinks, host art jams / game nights 
• Plan a family trip to Korea, friends trip to Bali / Taiwan?

3. Enrich Love Life (Partner)

• Go on dates (do things together) once a month - no matter how casual or small - love isn't always about the big gestures, intimacy is in the little details
• Make plans in advance for travel & adventures! 
• Spend quality time together and apart (refer to section 'Enrich Myself')
• Be kind to each other and to ourselves

I haven't had the urge to write/blog in ages; 'studying' journalism at university and working as a media & marketing reporter for a year in London somehow tainted the experience for me. I type away on the laptop all day every day for work, yet writing for pleasure feels almost foreign now. It's as if I've forgotten how to express myself through the written word. I pray it's like playing the piano; hopefully my fingers will remember the keys even if my eyes no longer recognize the score.

Funnily enough, the day before 1 Jan 2016, I had the rather shocking realization that this would be THE year I turn 30. I felt the sudden and in-explainable desire to pen every single thought in my head. What is that feeling? PANIC. How did I get to become 29 (on the cusp of 30) in the blink of an eye? Why am I so unaccomplished? Endless items on the checklist of life to be ticked off, so many experiences yet to experience, places to explore, dreams and ambitions to be realized... (bad habits to kick, ahem) and so on...

I couldn't quench that urgent desire to write, and it increasingly reeked of desperation. Why the panic to write a few bloody resolutions? I felt pressured to tick items off a list, things I assumed a 30-year old should've accomplished and more importantly, should be. A ticking time bomb (deadline: x December 2016) in the form of a to-do list. How ridiculous.

Halfway through writing this, I realized how silly I was being.

We live in a society where everybody (literally) has something to say about you, to you. From your 95 year old grand-aunt who claims she has one year left and pressures your elder sister/you to be married by June; to your overly conservative and borderline sexist co-worker who tells you you have a 'Fuck You Face' and randomly (read: cryptically) texts you a URL to an article about 'The science of the Resting Bitch Face' (in what one can only assume is a passive-aggressive manner) to your mother who constantly reminds you that you are 'difficult'; and acquaintances who say "no offence" then proceed to tell you what THEY think you are good/bad at, in a backhanded kind of way (based on no real evidence) and what you should do with your life.

You know what? I don't need another person placing unnecessary pressure on me to live up to some imaginary standard and definition of what a 30 year old should be. Even and especially if that person is myself. At the end of the day, all that matters is that I try my best. And so, I shall think of my New Year's Resolutions as Guidelines, after all, isn't life a Work In Progress meant to be tweaked as we go along?

And with that, enough for tonight. Adios amigos x

The many reasons why I love my family

Yesterday
The Mothership takes pity on my working late and picks me up from the train station. As soon as I get into the car...

The Mothership: You wore SHORTS to work?! They let you go to work looking like that?!

Me: *no response*

The Mothership: You look so disheveled! Were you caught in a hurricane?!

Me: *no response*

The Mothership: What's wrong with you? You look so pale!! 

Me: *bursts out laughing* Just give it to me mum! It's not like I'm tired from a long day at work or anything. Just keep it coming! 

Today

Robot brother picks me up from the train station. We get out of the car and walk into the house.

Robot brother: Why are you dressed like an aunty?! (Translation: Why are you dressed like a middle-aged woman?)

[For the record, I'm wearing a white cotton tank, tucked into vintage - Italian tailoring, mind you - high-waisted pants and cinched with a leather belt, topped off with a chunky gold cuff and leather sandals]

Me: *no response*

The Mothership: *chimes in* Yeah! Why aren't you wearing any lipstick??

Robot brother: She totally looks like a hobo!

Me: Thanks guys, just... Thanks. 

In case anyone was wondering, this is what it's like growing up in an Asian family. Cue rolling of eyes.

daddy.

here's to your 10th anniversary daddy.

family

Entered the apartment -  took off my coat/jumper/socks/boots, turned on the laptop, checked facebook and hotmail, made instant tomyam noodles for dinner (+ leftovers), ate while fb-chatting with friends, showered, changed into pjs, applied eye cream/serum/face, body, hand moisturiser/lip balm, prepared a sandwich and fruit for tomorrow's lunchbox then sat back down on the sofa...

... and let the tears stream down my face.

For the first time in 2 weeks, I am alone again. It's the same with all families isn't it? When they were here, the flat was messy, noisy, overcrowded (and the fridge was bursting forth with food) - like a higher class refugee camp. Now that they're gone, it's clean, organized but empty and my voice seems to echo around the flat. Suddenly I desperately want to call my mother for a chat. And I've even asked my sister to sleep with me tonight - how manja am I? I feel all of 12 years old. Imagine this, I got emotional eating the spaghetti my brother made/packed for my lunch today, and was constantly on the verge of tears at the office, from the mere thought of returning to an empty flat - again.

I miss them already :(

I guess this is my lesson learnt, one word - family.

she will never be able to love me the way i need to be loved.

little miss independent

sometimes, i really hate being female.

because along with my fondness for all things pink - amongst other factors - entails a perpetual state of being over-emotional (increasingly evident in the recent month or so), the perfect example being.. err, right now?

i just got off the phone with my mother. uh-oh. that can never be good.

she screamed. i screamed. (that never gets us anywhere but it doesn't stop us from doing it) she screamed some more. basically, she screamed at me until i broke down and cried. it was regarding money matters/bank stuff. sigh.

tough love folks.

though at the end of the phonecall, she noticed i was quietly crying hence, softened her tone considerably. she demanded to know why i was crying, i told her: i just miss my friends. i didn't add that she hadn't had a go at me like that for the longest time, and i was upset by it. i mean, who likes to be yelled at? but i have my pride, so i said nothing.

after she hung up, i sat down on my bed and cried and cried. i don't even know why. it felt like that time i was a little girl and got lost in the supermarket. perhaps it was because i hadn't heard my mother's voice since i left after christmas and the first time i do, she's hopping mad - at me.

she rung back and admitted after checking her accounts, that i was right after all. she spoke in a calm reasonable manner and was really nice all of a sudden. i think she was aware of the extent of my grief. (knowing me: i'm not the type to cry for no reason - i'm more likely to argue/scream than to break down unless i'm truly remorseful/upset) i started sobbing, telling her how miserable i've been since my friends left, and how i can't concentrate on my studies.

she then informed me of my sister's arrival in london tomorrow (sg time), suggesting i take a day off work and spend time with her. after confessing that i was homesick having NOT heard from my family and friends, she also promised to call me every weekend :)

i guess what they say is true: you don't know what you've got until you lose it.

who knew that i (self-confessed emotionally-independent girl) would miss her family so much?

manja me.

*edit

not much has been happening the past week, save for many late nights spent sprawled out on the 'sleepy couch' in manda/lili's ubercosy kitchen, eating their scrumptious dinners whilst half-working (or pretending to) on assignments half-watching dvds, nz cartoon brotown, russell peters, hard gay etc. (the latter two were my recommendations)

in the span of sat/sun, we managed to cover the first 3 episodes of greys season 4 (which was all i managed to get my hands on), 2046, gattaca, my sassy girl (my picks for the week).

watching russell peters reminded me of home, damn, even eating lili's fried rice reminded me of home! too many things remind me of home these days, it seems. for the first time in my life, every single fiber of my being is crying out for home sweet home.

it's fast becoming an obsession; not a day goes by when i don't mention the words "i can't wait to go home" "singapore is amazing, you'll love it!" "yes, i'm definitely going home for christmas" "i miss home" "i miss my family" freaky huh. even my mum's a bit freaked by my sudden bout of manjaness. haha

cracking up over russell peters with verr, listening to his (sometimes) spot-on imitation of "confucius say, you go to jail bad boy!" and other random phrases. watching korean drama serials with carol and having in depth discussions about it over dinner. walking aj babyboo and exploring seletar together (with carol, cause she loves me. cue: inside joke.). running at full-speed and jumping/rolling onto mummy's bed, to the annoyance of my brother *glee* carol's spaghetti, hk noodles, sarpoh rice, spicy fried rice, horfun, codfish, sweet & sour pork, honey-charsiew chicken wings, pork chops, green beans with hebi, beancurd soup, tomyam soup, beef stew.. etc.

i've been here 66 days to date, 31 days to my 21st (so far, the plan involves a bunch of crazy girls in london, dressing up gorgeous, tiaras, alcohol and a wild night of clubbing), 32 days till we leave for rome, 39 days till i leave here for singapore. the countdown has officially commenced.

ooh when i reach home, the first thing i'm gonna do is give my baby the longest hug humanly possible (i'm never gonna let him go again, sleep with him if i have to) followed by all my family members, take a long hot bath, get into my wondrous bed and sleep. for as long as i can. deep uninterrupted sleep. hopefully my mother will take pity on poor jetlagged me and allow me to sleep in and wake up naturally. but right before i fall asleep, text the cot & gen, jacky/roy.. you know, the people that matter most - let them know I'M BACK!

i can't wait to wear my summer clothes! i can already see it - the predictions for my december wardrobe:

daytime
peach floaty chiffon blouse with french lace collar, petal cutout-back or itsy bitsy camisoles tucked into black high waisted shorts with gladiators/wedges/animal print stilettos, black leather bag with good hoops, dangly vintage earrings or chunky accessories, depending on top

printed tent dresses worn with hot denim shorts and gold/silver thongs, cobalt blue balenciaga knockoff bag with bronze rings, ipod/ballerina plate

floor sweeping tiered skirts with plain tanks (possibly layered, if weather permits), flipflops, big brown bag (pref. boho style with fringe) leather braided belt on hips OR aforementioned skirts worn as maxi dresses with one of mum's leather waist belts

basically, i foresee loads and loads of easy breezy summer dresses for the day. no frills, no fuss.

nighttime
vintage grecian goddess floor length dress in mauve, drapey double front with low back and braided straps, worn with chiffon scarf of same colour in hair, gladiators/wedges, gold hoops/rose plate/bracelet, gold clutch

violet chiffon dress with puffed sleeves, worn with knee high boots (if weather permits, even if it doesn't i don't care. i'll sweat it out!) anything goes - pile on the bling. vintage bag?

skinny jeans with lime lace over satin bustier, highest heels possible, keep accessories to a minimum. no bag, stuff my stuff in my pockets. lately i've been keen on NOT carrying anything when i go clubbing.

and so, that concludes the predictions for december's looks. i miss standing in my walk-in at home, pondering what to wear (because there is just so much to choose from). over here, i stand in front of the wardrobe, wondering what i can wear that i haven't already worn last week and is still clean.

you disembark the latest flight to paradise

wherever my sister goes, she always brings back souvenirs for me eg: crystal perfume bottles from budapest etc - albeit unusable, but it's the thought that counts right - oh, and journals, tons and tons of them; each one with different artwork from a different museum/shop in a different country, which i adore, though it's been awhile since i last wrote in mine. you see, i've got this thing about lines, ah you wouldn't get it. plus lately i've been a little busy with... life.

you know, i should buy her the time traveler's wife, it's one of those books that i feel everyone should at least read or own a copy of, and in so many ways it's applicable to us both. hmm. i wonder if she already has it.

i'm a horrible sister/daughter/granddaughter: i know don't show my love for my sister (brother, mother... okay, family) nearly enough. *shrugs* virginia and i often talk about how we're emotionally independent, almost completely devoid of emotional attachment in fact, from/to our parents. strange but true, we were raised that way. my family isn't one that outwardly shows signs of emotion. they're very subtle but it shows, in the little things; like carol making my favourite toasted bread with melted butter & sugar for breakfast and knowingly packing it in a lunchbox - i'm (always) rushing for work, grandma cooking her much sought-after curry crab after i ask beg her to, or mummy stocking the fridge with boxes of strawberries because she knows i like em'.

anyway, when she comes back from the other side of the world, and i pop over to london to visit/sleepover, i shall cook for us :) heh. she can't cook to save her life. not like i'm that great either, but at least it's edible. i mean, i'm still alive aren't i? and when i go home, i plan to take my entire family out for dinner. anywhere they wanna go; dimsum, sushi, jerry's - they pick, i pay. sigh. i miss poking fun at verr and irritating my mother, walking aj with carol.. *deep breath* ahh family.

i'll allocate an equal amount of time for family/friends this time around. promise promise!

alone vs. lonely

*edit


finally, after a cup of hot milo and an emotional email to uncle b. - crying out for help - i seem to have calmed down. seem being the keyword here. i find that being female poses a hazard to oneself; these damn hormones of mine seem to be perpetually imbalanced.

everyone who knows me knows that i hatehatehate (can't emphasize enough) being the only person awake or last one to go to bed in the house. when virginia left home, that's exactly how it was. late at night, when it gets all quiet, you feel like the loneliest person in the world. plus it's scary being surrounded by that much darkness.

having aj to disturb in the middle of the night when i crept downstairs to make milo or watch tv helped, tremendously. he was my late night companion, my confidante. mum and carol thought it was inconsiderate of me to stroke, hug or lie down with him on his blanket, knowing that he wakes up at the slightest bit of noise. but i couldn't help it. i guess i just wanted someone to keep me company; we all get lonely sometimes.

everyone thinks i'm so lucky; in this new place with new friends doing fun new things. it's true, i am lucky. but if anyone ever had reason to feel alone and lonely, it's me too. left stranded in this foreign, sometimes cold, place without the comforts of home, or the warm embraces of the ones i love. my psychotic family - who love and have loved me unconditionally, accept my flaws regardless of how horrible my tantrums are, know me inside out and read me like a book. my god-sent friends - my constant saving graces, who bring out the best in me; that warm funny crazy side of me that i love. who love, care and look out for me despite all my drama, if anything, because of it. haha

on a random note, one of the few things i miss about being in a relationship with someone is a) the companionship b) falling asleep/waking up next to a warm body. even if he falls asleep before me (which usually is the case, since i take forever to fall asleep), at least there is that added comfort of having someone beside you, it takes the edge off the loneliness.

there's something else, the knowledge that my new bfffs manda and lili will be leaving right after christmas break makes me feel alone and lonely already. what irony huh. the first people i meet that truly seem to GET ME - we get along so well it's not funny, they're like my friends back home - are leaving. yesterday i was feeling frustrated by my work, so i simply ran over [in the rain] to their flat. when they leave, there will be no one to talk to or laugh with or just hang out. i dread the day, yet at the same time i have to acknowledge the inevitable. all i can do is to cherish whatever time we have left with each other and to find the silver lining in the cloud: ROME! and... now i have travel buddies in hk and nz :)

lastly, i love you mummy, verrell, virginia, carol (maybe grandma) nicky, gen, drea, josh, jol, pp, jacky, roy, mel, quek, shanee, jobi, pauline, cindy, manda, car, licco, hazel.. etc. sorry if i missed anyone, hope i didn't.

international friends get a paragraph all on their own: deb, manda, lili - ooh, all new zealanders, the land of fat freddy's drop. whoot. hot lead singer *smirk*

raindrops keep falling on my head

why is it that no matter how where i go or what i do, i still can't climb out from under her shadow? it looms over me, like a dark cloud perpetually threatening to bring forth rain at any given time, without warning.

all it takes is one photo, and i'm back to feeling like that scrawny primary one-er, eager to carry her barbie schoolbag out of the car into the house, anything really, for some form of recognition, validation, in her eyes.

i have issues, that i know. tell me something i don't know.

why is it that i can't get over my fear of talking to intelligent people? because he hated stupid people, and you always made me feel stupid. you know what, i don't even know who i'm referring to anymore. why is it that when i meet someone and he/she tells me they studied/are studying law/medicine/politics/banking & finance, i immediately feel intimidated, subconsciously back away, and my wall goes right up? it's all because of you, you, and you. you never made me feel smart enough, or good enough - in any aspect of my life. was a little praise too much to ask for?

i get it okay, everyone has a screwed up childhood.

i admit: i have a middle child syndrome and the sooner i get over this complex and learn to love myself - exactly the way i am - the sooner i can learn to let someone else in and of course, move on with life and BE SOMEBODY.




p/s: looks like you're not the only running away from something, now would be a good time to add my name to that list.

"hello, life"

they say "the higher you climb, the harder you fall."

this is not an indication of how high i've climbed, but how hard i've fallen. or maybe it's just one of those days...

the upside to being in a land far far away where nobody knows you and you can do as you please? .. is just that. the downside? that too. not knowing anybody can be lonely sometimes, but everything comes with a price, and i'm guessing this is the price you pay for freedom and anonymity.

the thing about being away from home;
no comfort food to comfort you
no babyboo to disturb in the wee hours of the morning or fall asleep on in the middle of a lazy afternoon.
no friends to visit you at work, bearing gifts (food) or hug you tight and never let go,
just because.
no mobile ringing endlessly, especially at work, missed calls, or complaining friends.
no riding around in cars with boys
no debating friday night dinner plans
or drinking wine by the pool.
no late night suppers every night of the week
no mother to chastise you,
or brother to bully

just... nothing.

i'm in need of a hug, badly.

p/s: tell me it's merely withdrawal symptoms from my london hangover. tell me it's just a passing phase. tell me when it's over and when i can open my eyes again. tell me something, anything to make it better, please.

grey room

it comes in waves, most days you'll be fine, then out of (literally) nowhere - a scent, a song, a sound, a hug, a shirt, a memory, a word, a sentence, a note, a photoframe, a gift, a sample of handwriting, an entry in a diary, anything really - it'll hit you. hard.

your insides will dissolve and you'll break down. cry your heart out, just as i'm doing so now. weep cry sob - let the tears fall freely. i'm not afraid to admit it; there's nothing wrong with being sad.

because you will be sad, for awhile. but like all waves, they come and go. the moment will pass; then you'll pick yourself up and remember to keep on living. to always keep those priceless memories locked up in your heart. to never forget.

aramis; if/when v3 wore it - in the past. counterpain; that's what set me off this time round - the smell will haunt me for as long as i live. any song; right now - grey room, damien rice. the turning of a key in the lock; still gets me every time.

bear hugs; his in particular, for no particular reason at all - i guess i felt safe in his embrace. crisp white shirts; him again.

any memory; too many.

'daddy'; the fact that i can't say it anymore, that it sounds foreign on my tongue. "simple but good"; sunday night dinners at home.

"Dear daddy,
can you please buy me for my birthday
a secret Heart Ken man for me ok,
thank you daddy,
from Victoria Tan"

; written when i was 5 or 6. mum found it in 2005 - i have that ken doll.

the rose frame; a congratulatory present for doing well in school. several over the years; most memorably - the watch set as a surprise. a handwritten note: accompanying the watch set.

the last letter i ever wrote him; telling him i forgive him and asking for forgiveness.

i wish you could see me now. i think you might be proud. i'd never know for sure, but.. just know that i did it for you as much as i did it for me.


"Love you...."
"Always.... "
"World enough.... "
"And time...."

do you ever have days where you wish you could kill your mother?

i do. i get them all the time. ooh, if i could count the times, i'd probably go on for-ever.

this whole shitty shit situation happened because carol said,"i thought you said you were going jogging?"

and then there was shit.

you can't go jogging because today's the 15th day of the 7th month!!

err and tomorrow will be the 16th and the day after, the 17th.

you are not going anywhere!! you are not leaving the house!!

so i'm supposed to stay at home throughout the 7th month!? you went out today!

yes but that's different.

you said i can't go jogging late at night or when it gets dark. it's 5pm now, look it's so bright.

the 15th and the 30th are the most important days, there will be prayers everywhere!!

there aren't any prayers anywhere!

you enjoy courting trouble don't you? just look at the black marks on your face!!

what has the 7th month got to do with the marks i got while mountain climbing in thailand?!

you HAVE to be defiant don't you!?! you just like to disobey me!

fyi, i have no intention of going jogging, i'm already in my pjs. so stop making a big deal over nothing. AND. STOP. SCREAMING!

note: but my mother she is after all *resigned sigh* and despite it all, i know without a doubt that everything she says and does is out of love, and with the best intentions.

this is a game we play

in which, there are no winners, or losers.

just mother and daughter,

aiming to see

who can hurt the other more.

like i said,

in this game

there are no winners

so mum,

i guess we both lose.

you don't love me anymore.

i was watching Brothers & Sisters on the telly, i think it's pretty darn brilliant. the show and its characters really manage to capture the essence of family and all its players; the overbearing mother who holds the strings and constantly runs the risk of high blood pressure, the intelligent opinionated powersuited elder sister, the middle child who feels perpetually overshadowed and insignificant, the witty articulate brother in-the-closet, the estranged daughter who just can't get along with her mother ("you can't love me.") and finally, the pampered baby of the family.

sally fields: even the way she has a meltdown reminds me of mummy - how she trembles in anger and the way she spits her words out with such vicious accuracy that hits you right where it hurts *shudders* and the words/phrases she uses? "ungrateful" "how did i ever bring up such a child?" "what did i do to deserve this?" "you only care about yourself" "if your father could see you now, he'd be so disappointed"

uh-oh. sounds all too familiar.

i could never understand the great big hullabaloo over rachel griffiths from her six feet under days but god i love her (in B&S). did you see this scene?

[Noah then asks about things with Joe, and Sarah gives him a rueful "oh, you had to ask" look and, not taking her eyes away from his face, lies that "things are good." Noah nods and tries to seem happy for her, but can't hide his disappointment.

Uneasy, Sarah gathers her things and starts to go; Noah tells her it's not a betrayal to talk about things with Joe, because they're friends. "Yeah, so you keep saying," she says, and snorts sadly, and walks past him to leave, but he stops her to ask if she left because "of us, of something that…might have happened."

She stares at him, her eyes shining. He adds that he would hate to think that. "No, no, not at all," she lies. "We have lives, families. We knew where the line was."

starts playing

She smiles bravely. He decides to go along with this, but looks sad again. She goes, and he watches her.]

- television without pity.

that look in her eyes, totally killed me.

i find it funny how women often manage to lie in the face of the ones they love, unblinkingly, when inside they're home to shattered hearts.

one of those days

it's just one of those days...

woke up/was woken up around twelvish - that's new, a rare indulgence - had brunch of chicken briani, loaded the doggy into the car for a trip to the vet. verr and i can now proudly display our battle wound scars for we were both caught in the line of fire; aj dug his claws into our hands/arms/legs/feet, scratched us mercilessly, stepped all over our poor (now) injured toes repeatedly. i swear to god, there was hair flying everywhere in the backseat of the car as we tried relentlessly (and frankly, quite fruitlessly) to settle him. i even sang a lullaby to try and calm him down.

"rock-a-bye baby on a treetop, when the wind blows the cradle will rock..." hard to imagine, isn't it? heh.

treated myself to ice cream in front of the telly upon our return (but not before lying on the living room floor and falling asleep on the spot). made myself and mummy toast with butter and sugar, tea for her, milo for myself. i can't believe how domesticated the current situation has compelled me to become, i swept the floor at home! uncommon occurence #2.

i lay in bed fresh after a shower; still wrapped up in towels, laptop balanced on lap, msning/friendstering, watching youtube and sneaking peeks at the telly out of the corner of my eye. i finally managed to catch my korean drama serial!! during one of the adverts, i charged downstairs to stuff myself with dinner then promptly stampeded back to my room to continue with the saga.

and this is what i traded a potentially exciting night out for - a night in: home-cooked food, my korean drama serial and a leisurely walk around the neighbourhood (i'm just about to embark on this walk of mine). ahhh. life's simple pleasures :)

dear daddy

dear daddy,

"i miss you".

i find myself thinking about you very often these days, now more so than ever. i don't quite know what to say exactly; i can't seem to find the right words. i'm sifting through the thoughts in my head, oh what's the point? knowing me, i'll end up saying it all anyway.

i just came back from an event - the preview of the kate moss collection. serving all those people 'up there', vips/media, has the inevitable tendency to make me feel tiny and insignificant. how i long to be someone 'up there'; someone of importance, someone who commands respect without even having to try - but i want to have (had) worked my way up to the top, THE RIGHT (read: non-bitchy/fake) WAY.

oh yeah, and to have been NICE while i was at it. (very important!)

the one thing that you were so good at, was always making me feel special. and loved. i remember the way you used to leave me (and only me) little gifts, to make up for my feeling left out most of the time, being the middle child and all.

thinking back, i wish i had hugged you one more time, said "i love you" and really meant it, taken the time to ask you how your day was, spent just a second/minute/hour more with you, getting to know you, instead of zipping off to do whatever it is 15 year old teenagers have to do.

mummy and i don't go shopping together, EVER (unless we absolutely have to), because we'd end up arguing about everything, from how the colour of my shoes don't match my bag to... everything. that alone makes me wonder what it would be like if you were still around. would you and i go shopping together? we have similar tastes, i like that *smile*. you always said i had colour coordination and a good dress sense :)

i see mothers/fathers/daughters shopping together every single day, and all i can do is stare at them wistfully, wishing it were me. it may sound stupid and silly, but the knowledge that you were 'somebody' and that i'm 'somebody's daughter' makes me smile - just a teensy bit - from time to time.

i like keeping this little secret in my heart; the knowledge that i too, am someone who matters - even if i'm the only person in the world who thinks so.

i have my sad and lonely days too you know. when my brain's not occupied with useless thoughts and it gets all quiet, i wonder if you would have been proud had you been at my graduation, or to send me off on my first day at my first proper grown-up job. i know you would have made a big deal at my fashion show, *rolls eyes* probably the only one. i know how you get excited at these things *smile*

don't make me cry okay? i've cried enough as it is. daddy, i really miss you. wherever you are, i hope you miss me too.

love, me.

a while back...

mum says in response to something - which frankly, i can't recall -

"... and that's the way the cookie crumbles."

verr: "where's the cookie from?" or "and where is that?" (once again, something to that extent)

me: "you know, *shrugs casually* where they make cookies... like france."

MY GOD. i wonder how on earth i come up with these things.

mum and verr: both turn to give me the look, then laugh their heads off pretty much incredulously/hysterically.

to self: think i've been watching too much "my lovely samsoon"

so get this, mummy and verr pick me up from yck mrt, we're right outside begonia, about to turn in when tokyo drift fast & furious starts playing on the radio.

verr: "hey vicks, your song!" (or something to that effect)

me: takes off earphones, upon realising what's on the radio. leans forward and turns the volume up up up.

mum: shoots me a disapproving look, but from the corner of my eye, she's secretly smirking.

me: starts dancing/jigging about, and trying to get verr and mum to jig with me.

one of the teriyaki boyz starts rapping in (pretty strong) japanese-accented english.

mum: is he from india?

verr and i: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

me: mummy! they're the T-E-R-I-Y-A-K-I B-O-Y-Z. they're from (i pause, catching myself in time, before i almost say 'teriyaki') JAPAN!

mum: how am i supposed to know?

gringringrin.

school of tough love.

as the saying goes, there's no point in crying over spilt milk. what's done is done.

all i wanted was to get through one day - heck, one morning - without a confrontation of some sort. or getting yelled at, while still attempting to detangle oneself from the bedsheets. it's highly bizarre; you're trying your utmost to lift your eyelids, awaken your braincells, sit up straight and look dignified, whilst in a state of undress, resembling a mermaid-like creature with blanket and comforter wrapped/twisted around your lower body.

you finally open your eyes to see someone standing in front of you, flinging words in your face. not to say i'm completely innocent either, i know it takes two hands to clap, but it's a little too early in the morning to say "ugh", let alone form a rationale counter-argument of any kind.

maybe uncle brian's right. it's about time i accepted the fact that our relationship is not like other normal mother-daughter relationships. at times, i envy the mothers and daughters that i see at work everyday. why can't we have that kind of relationship? why can't we go shopping together (without getting into a fight)?

why can't she be the type of mother you see in storybooks and movies? that kind of 'ice cream' mother - i can't really explain this personal analogy of mine, but i'll make an attempt - picture this: the tinkling sound of an ice cream truck as it ambles down the street. a little boy asking his mother for coins to buy an ice cream. she gives it to him, then smiles as she watches him run off. he skips back with an ice cream cone in his hand. happy thoughts all around.

why can't she look after me when i'm sick, instead of saying "serves you right!" and rubbing salt into my wound. why can't she encourage me, instead of criticising me all the time? why why why?

i do crave validation, you know. i'm only human. i have feelings too. sigh.

uncle brian's famous words:

your mother _______ to the school of tough love.

AHH. that's right. the word is 'subscribes'.

*edit
god. how "diu lian" (throw face) is this. correction: the word is "prescribes". my mother is an english teacher, i should know better.


"your mother subscribes prescribes to the school of tough love."

lesson learnt.