i don't know what i can save you from

*EDIT

the bus ride felt surreal.

as the familiar strains of rachael yamagata's "be be your love" gently came onto my earphones, my mind went back to this afternoon. nostalgia came crashing down on me, hard. my eye(lid)s were hot to the touch, and tired from all that crying.

it's bloody exhausting you know.

note: if this post sounds disjointed, it's only because my mind is in disarray. i can't remember where this day starts or how it ends. all i have are bits and pieces scribbled down on the palm of my left hand (i didn't have any paper on the bus - i left my notebook at work - and i needed to get my thoughts out somehow, nevermind where) and on a crumpled piece of paper (transferred over from my hand).

our meeting left me drained and feeling sick to the stomach, as if i had just taken a punch. well, to be honest, it felt more like a stab to me. with each word you so carelessly spat out - with nary a thought to it - you were in fact twisting the knife, deeper and deeper. more than you'll ever know.

let me tell you, from someone who knows, next to watching someone you love slowly fade away into the afterlife, one of the most painful things (in life) is to watch someone you love walk away from you. with each step you took, it seemed like an eternity stretching between us. bringing you further than you've ever been.

you spoke to me as if you were talking to a stranger, as if you didn't know anything about me past my name, as if we hadn't spent the past 8 years entertwined in each other's lives, as if i hadn't been there for you through every single one of your breakups (and makeups), showing up at your doorstep in the middle of the night in my pyjamas, as if we didn't watch each other grow up during the most crucial period of our lives, as if our friendship meant nothing to you.

worst, as if cutting us out of your life had no impact (on you) whatsoever.

that hurt like nothing i've known before.
the fact that you seemed so fucking happy.
that killed me.

i smiled a small smile, wondering if it did anything to mask the fact that i was about to collapse at your feet, or give you the false assurance/impression that i indeed had moved on with life too. i was good. fine. completely okay. then i turned and walked away - back to the comfort of my room - where i called gen, simultaneously making attempts calm down. but with each word i uttered, i felt myself (and my stubborn tearducts) losing control.

i thought about that little blink-and-you-miss-it action as i departed you both, it meant more to me that any words possibly could. i knew what you wanted to say, but could not. in that wink, you were trying to tell me: it's okay. you'll be okay.

i understood that you did not have any part in her decision (i pray to god you didn't); i doubt you could sway her even if you wanted to. we both know what she's like. you were always so nice, and i'm beyond glad you came into her life. please look after her, now that i can't.

sticks and stones may break my bones and harsh words may not hurt me, but kindness - i absolutely cannot take.

that was when i lost it. still on the phone, i started crying. bit by bit, layer by layer came crumbling down, until the tears came trickling, like a waterfall. one i could not possibly cease, even if i tried.

i clung onto A
1. like my life depended on it
2. for dear life
3. as if she were my life-support

i realise i've broken one of my "38 ways to live a good life" rules..

30. LEARN TO CRY - but not at work (that would just be unprofessional) or in the presence of a man who doesn't deserve it

but seriously, at moments like these, that has got to be the least of my worries.

after i stopped crying, calmed down and fixed my makeup, i got up and left the room with every intention of getting right back to work. but then i saw you again, and i just had to do it. i had to know why. what it was that made you do what you did.

you didn't want to talk about it, dismissing it with a casual flick of your wrist saying it was all in the past, when in fact, it was less than a few months ago on a whim, you decided to cut the people who've known and loved you for nearly a decade out of your life. just like that. as easy as ABC. you stated your reasons simply: people change. we grew apart. we no longer get along. we can still be friends, i just don't want to hang out with you guys anymore.

i stared at you, as if i were seeing you for the very first time. seeing you for who you really are.

after our conversation came to a close, i very calmly turned the lock, walked over to the sofa, and sat down. then like spontaneous combustion, i burst into a fit of hysterical sobs. huge rasping i-cannot-breathe sobs. they simply exploded out of me. i know this for a fact because i could hear myself; the sound of my asthmatic-sounding wails. i could hardly recognise the person making all that racket. but it was me. i did not know what to do with myself; to stand up or to sit down (i remember debating that in my head) even after i had already sat down.

i called A to come in again. i cried all over her shoulder - for the second time that day. she simply sat still and held my hand while i cried. and tried my best to explain how the conversation had unfolded. it was horrible. horrible does not even begin to explain it. i can't find the words right now, i doubt i ever will. i do know however, that i do not wish to ever have to go through that again.

i have no idea how to end this