alone vs. lonely

*edit


finally, after a cup of hot milo and an emotional email to uncle b. - crying out for help - i seem to have calmed down. seem being the keyword here. i find that being female poses a hazard to oneself; these damn hormones of mine seem to be perpetually imbalanced.

everyone who knows me knows that i hatehatehate (can't emphasize enough) being the only person awake or last one to go to bed in the house. when virginia left home, that's exactly how it was. late at night, when it gets all quiet, you feel like the loneliest person in the world. plus it's scary being surrounded by that much darkness.

having aj to disturb in the middle of the night when i crept downstairs to make milo or watch tv helped, tremendously. he was my late night companion, my confidante. mum and carol thought it was inconsiderate of me to stroke, hug or lie down with him on his blanket, knowing that he wakes up at the slightest bit of noise. but i couldn't help it. i guess i just wanted someone to keep me company; we all get lonely sometimes.

everyone thinks i'm so lucky; in this new place with new friends doing fun new things. it's true, i am lucky. but if anyone ever had reason to feel alone and lonely, it's me too. left stranded in this foreign, sometimes cold, place without the comforts of home, or the warm embraces of the ones i love. my psychotic family - who love and have loved me unconditionally, accept my flaws regardless of how horrible my tantrums are, know me inside out and read me like a book. my god-sent friends - my constant saving graces, who bring out the best in me; that warm funny crazy side of me that i love. who love, care and look out for me despite all my drama, if anything, because of it. haha

on a random note, one of the few things i miss about being in a relationship with someone is a) the companionship b) falling asleep/waking up next to a warm body. even if he falls asleep before me (which usually is the case, since i take forever to fall asleep), at least there is that added comfort of having someone beside you, it takes the edge off the loneliness.

there's something else, the knowledge that my new bfffs manda and lili will be leaving right after christmas break makes me feel alone and lonely already. what irony huh. the first people i meet that truly seem to GET ME - we get along so well it's not funny, they're like my friends back home - are leaving. yesterday i was feeling frustrated by my work, so i simply ran over [in the rain] to their flat. when they leave, there will be no one to talk to or laugh with or just hang out. i dread the day, yet at the same time i have to acknowledge the inevitable. all i can do is to cherish whatever time we have left with each other and to find the silver lining in the cloud: ROME! and... now i have travel buddies in hk and nz :)

lastly, i love you mummy, verrell, virginia, carol (maybe grandma) nicky, gen, drea, josh, jol, pp, jacky, roy, mel, quek, shanee, jobi, pauline, cindy, manda, car, licco, hazel.. etc. sorry if i missed anyone, hope i didn't.

international friends get a paragraph all on their own: deb, manda, lili - ooh, all new zealanders, the land of fat freddy's drop. whoot. hot lead singer *smirk*