The worst things in life come free to us...

And they sayShe's in the Class A TeamStuck in her daydreamBeen this way since 18But lately her face seemsSlowly sinking, wastingCrumbling like pastriesAnd they screamThe worst things in life come free to usCos we're just under the upperhandGo mad for a couple gramsAnd she don't want to go outside tonightAnd in a pipe she flies to the MotherlandOr sells love to another manIt's too cold outsideFor angels to flyAngels to fly

breathe me.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

dreaming with a broken heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

You roll out of bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here
Is she standing in my room?

No, she's not
cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part

She takes you in with her crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love
will you wake up by my side?

No, she can't
cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hands?
Would you get them if I did?

No, you won't
Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.

your ex-lover is dead.

When there is nothing left to burn
You have to set yourself on fire

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said, "Yes I think we've met before"
In that instant it started to pour

Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me you see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From a house down the road, from real love

Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

homesick.

I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy, But I can't stop listening to the sound Of two soft voices Blended in perfection From the reels of this record that I've found.

Every day there's a boy in the mirror asking me What are you doing here? Finding all my previous motives Growing increasingly unclear.

I've traveled far and I've burned all the bridges I believed as soon as I hit land All the other options held before me, Would wither in the light of my plan.

So I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy, But there's only one thing on my mind Searching boxes underneath the counter, On a chance that on a tape I'd find. A song for someone who needs somewhere to long for.

Homesick. Because I no longer know where home is.

sunday night
made my way home amidst miserable weather (pouring rain) and the epitome of efficiency that is london's transportation system; the victoria line was closed so i rode on the circle line instead, there weren't any trains to rochester so i trained to meopham and took a replacement bus back to roch - seemed like forever. arrived around 1am, cabbed home, only to find myself locked out. i had my keys but the latch was on (it can only be unlocked from inside). i frantically called A but she was sleeping and didn't answer. NGR rung me, i was literally in the middle of reading out A's number to him when my phone died. great.

standing outside my front door, in the cold/rain, i panicked. the thought of being locked out till morning did not appeal one bit. i rapped on the door (simultaneously worried my neighbours would call the police) until my already white knuckles turned even whiter, and finally, i saw the light (flick on in the front room). A sleepily came downstairs, opened the front door, and i swear, i have never felt so relieved in my life.

anyway, my point was (haha. me and digression are best friends) - my sunday night spent riding around alone on trains, reminiscing about how it used to be with mandi/lili, homesick on repeat, contemplating CASS lectures on modernity; big cities vs. small towns, two words kept flashing in my head - alienation and fragmentation. feeling the unexplainable yet constant urge to burst into tears every 10 seconds. what's wrong with me?

homesick homesick homesick. *shrugs* it's about that time of year. i usually get homesick around winter. it's cold rainy dark and gloomy and it makes me nostalgic for the land of eternal sunshine. i promise to NEVER complain about the heat again.

fairytale

Cinderella’s on her bedroom floor she’s got a
Crush on the guy at the liquor store
Cause Mr. Charming don’t come home anymore
And she forgets why she came here.
Sleeping Beauty’s in a foul mood for shame she says,
None for you dear prince, I’m tired today.
I’d rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming

’Cause I don’t care for your fairytales
You’re so worried 'bout the maiden though you know
She’s only waiting on the next best thing

Snow White is doing dishes again cause what else can you do
With seven itty-bitty men?
Sends them to bed and she calls up a friend, says will you meet me at midnight?
The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says,
Would have cut it myself if I knew men could climb hair
I’ll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows.

’Cause I don’t care for your fairytales
You’re so worried 'bout the maiden though you know
She’s only waiting on the next best thing
Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom
Man made up a story said that I should believe him
Go and tell your white knight that he’s handsome in hindsight
But I don’t want the next best thing
So I sing and hold my head down and I break these walls 'round me
Can’t take no more of your fairytale love

’Cause I don’t care for your fairytales
You’re so worried 'bout the maiden though you know
She’s only waiting on the next best thing
I don’t care
I don’t care
You worry bout the maiden though you know
She’s only waiting spent her whole life being graded on the
Sanctity of patience and a dumb appreciation
But the story needs some mending and a better happy ending
’Cause I don’t want the next best thing
No, no I don’t want the next best thing.

there there baby,

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah


imogen heap

you can't handle me.

this is the song i've been humming to myself, i heard it in the uk but just couldn't put my finger on the artiste who sang it.. well now i know. it's ROBYN; she had a hit "show me love" years ago, when i was still in secondary school i think, and read LIME. *shudders*

and another one from the her. supercool.

Cuz you’re a selfish narcissistic psycho freaking bootlicking Nazi creep and you can’t handle me

love it

"I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.
Spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
Smeared the lipstick on her face.
Slammed the door and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me up and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note it said, "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

surprise surprise, we all seem to be having a phenomenally bad day today. from amanda and lili to myself to just.. everyone in general. i spent HOURS sitting in the computer lab, sifting through 80+ images from my shoot, trying to narrow down the scope so that i could eventually select 2 final images. after a couple of mind-numbing hours.. nothing. they all started to look exactly the same. i could no longer differentiate one from the other.

out of sheer frustration, my head automatically started finding faults in all of the images i had narrowed it down to; closing window after window till my eyes fell upon the last one standing. that shall have to do, thought i.

you don't get it, do you? the feeling of being isolated and alone even when you're surrounded by people. i don't know where it's coming from, but there's a silent force compelling me to do something completely out of my nature; it makes me want to stand up in the middle of the room and scream and scream until everyone stops what they're doing and turns to look at me.

great. now you think i'm crazy. well, you're not the only one. i do too.

my entire being feels overwhelmed. there is no one here from home to talk to, not the way i used to anyway. amanda and lili are too amazing, but gen, jacky, jol, josh.. etc. gen and i have nearly a decade of history behind us and with that comes an easy understanding that surpasses most other friendships. that kind of history cannot be replaced in a matter of months by anyone. ever. jacky, jol, josh; the best friends anyone could have asked for. selfless, caring, generous.. they truly seem to give a shit about me, and will BE THERE when i need a shoulder to cry on.

i remember the time mummy and i fought so badly i could hardly move; i simply lay in bed motionless, joleen lying next to me, as i sobbed my heart out. josh was downstairs trying to pacifiy mum. it was a saturday morning, we were all supposed to hit the gym. eventually, after much consolation on their part, i managed to drag myself out of bed - despite the swollen eyes/face - and get my act together. i recall how jol came through for me in hk - that was pretty recent in fact. i was surprised and touched by her genuine concern. i wouldn't have survived the ordeal had it not been for her. *hug*

lastly, jacky.
need i say more, or anything at all?

he's been there more times than i can count. i couldn't pick one moment even if i had to, there are simply too many. he's seen me through plentiful ups and downs; all my relationships, boy drama, drama in general, family issues, work/school-related issues, personal issues - basically, everything. sometimes i feel like we've been in an actual relationship. he knows too much haha. i love you jacky. by the way, i just called him long-distance to ask him how to use photoshop. i was freaking out okay! i needed someone to talk to, someone who knows me, and gets me. he knew there was more to it than just the photoshoot and photoshop. so do i. i just can't put my finger on it.

... the day semi-ended on a good note, i think. i've never seen a ladybug (in my life) until i came to uk, which makes the official count 3, today included. i found one sitting next to lili in the library com lab. i was overjoyed! WHEE! i even got her to take some photos of it sitting in the palm of my hand :) it's a sign of good luck to come.

i keep telling myself: this will all be over soon. this too shall pass. soon, i'll be home.

16 days to my 21st
17 days till rome
24 days till home

"this is the way it should be for lovers.."

Message of the Day

Life is short, Break the rules,
Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly,
Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you smile.
Life may not be the party we hoped for,

but while we're here we should dance.

"..they shouldn't go it alone.."

the guitar man

Who draws the crowd and plays so loud,
Baby it's the guitar man.
Who's gonna steal the show, you know
Baby it's the guitar man,

He can make you love, he can make you cry
He will bring you down, then he'll get you high
Somethin keeps him goin, miles and miles a day
To find another place to play.

Night after night who treats you right,
Baby it's the guitar man
Who's on the radio, you go listen
To the guitar man

Then he comes to town, and you see his face,
And you think you might like to take his place
Somethin keeps him driftin miles and miles away
Searchin for the songs to play.

Then you listen to the music and you like to sing along,
You want to get the meaning out of each and every song
Then you find yourself a message and some words to call your own
And take them home.

He can make you love, he can get you high
He will bring you down, then he'll make you cry
Somethin keeps him movin, but no one seems to know
What it is that makes him go.

Then the lights begin to flicker and the sound is getting dim
The voice begins to falter and the crowds are getting thin
But he never seems to notice he's just got to find
Another place to play,
Anyway got to play, anyway got to play.

fresher's ball 2007

don't ask how the night went,
the pictures speak for themselves.




Just a still town girl on a saturday night,
lookin' for the fight of her life
In the real-time world no one sees her at all,
they all say she's crazy

Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart,
changing woman into life
She has danced into the danger zone,
when a dancer becomes a dance

It can cut you like a knife,
if the gift becomes the fire
On a wire between will and what will be

She's a maniac, maniac on the floor
And she's dancing like she's never danced before
She's a maniac, maniac on the floor
And she's dancing like she's never danced before

On the ice-build iron sanity is a place most never see
It's a hard warm place of mystery,
touch it, but can't hold it
You work all your life for that moment in time, it could come or pass you by
It's a push of the world,
but there's always a chance
If the hunger stays the night

There's a cold connective heat, struggling, stretching for defeat
Never stopping with her head against the wind

She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know
And she's dancing like she's never danced before
She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know
And she's dancing like she's never danced before

It can cut you like a knife,
if the gift becomes the fire
On a wire between will and what will be

She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know
And she's dancing like she's never danced before


they played this at the ball last night; simultaneously, dervin and i went INSANE! - swinging our arms in the air feng kuang-ly, hopping/skipping/twirling around in circles with wild abandonment - in the middle of our own made-up dancefloor. it's such a fantastic song to dance to!

foundations

My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
And I know that I should let go,
But I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
Everytime that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

yet another song i've fallen head over heels in love with, ever since arriving here. i've heard it a couple of times and every. single. time. i can't help but hop/skip/jump (with wild abandon) up and down to it (that's the british way of dancing fyi, from what i've seen). it's bloody infectious it is; both the song and dance.

it's not a love (x3) song

Cryptic words meander
Now there is a song beneath the song
One day you'll learn
You'll soon discern its true meaning
An interesting detachment
A listless poem of love sincere
Desire, despair
Overlapping melodies

And it's not a love, it's not a love
It's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song

And now the loops are reminiscing
Recurring dreams of minor chords
Metered time
Muted chimes find the beat

And in the pulse there lies conviction
A steady push and pull routine
Till cymbals swelled
High notes fell into reach

And it's not a love, it's not a love
It's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song

It's not a love, it's not a love,
It's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song

potential breakup song

It took too long, It took too long
It took too long for you to call back
And normally I would just forget that
Except for the fact it was my birthday
My stupid birthday

I played along, I played along
I played along, it rolled right off my back
But obviously my armor was cracked
What kind of a boyfriend would forget that?
Who would forget that?

The type of guy who doesn’t see
What he has until she leaves
Don’t let me go
Cause without me, you know you’re lost
Wise up now or pay the cost
Soon you will know

You’re not livin’ till you’re livin’
Livin’ with me
You’re not winnin’ till you’re winnin’
Winnin’ me
You’re not gettin’ till you’re gettin’
Gettin’ me
You’re not livin’ till you’re livin’
Livin’ for me

This is the potential breakup song
Our album needs just one
Oh baby please, please tell me

We got along, we got along
We got along until you did that
Now all I want is just my stuff back
Do you get that?
Let me repeat that, I want my stuff back

You can send it in a box
I don’t care, just drop it off
I won’t be home
Cause without me, you know you’re lost
Minus you I’m better off
Soon you will know

You’re not livin’ till you’re livin’
Livin’ with me
You’re not winnin’ till you’re winnin’
Winnin’ me
You’re not gettin’ till you’re gettin’
Gettin’ me
You’re not livin’ till you’re livin’
Livin’ for me

You can try, you can try
You know I know it’d be a lie
Without me you’re gonna die
So you better think clearly, clearly
Before you nearly, nearly
Mess up the situation
That your gonna miss dearly, dearly
C’mon

You’re not livin’ till you’re livin’
Livin’ with me
You’re not winnin’ till you’re winnin’
Winnin’ me
You’re not gettin’ till you’re gettin’
Gettin’ me
You’re not livin’ till you’re livin’
Livin’ for me

This is the potential breakup song
Our album needs just one
Oh baby please, please tell me

This is the potential make-up song
Please just admit you’re wrong
Which will it be? Which will it be?

i go crazy.

hello boy it's been a while
guess you'll be glad to know
that i've learned how to laugh and smile
getting over was slow
they say old lovers can be good friends
but i never thought i'd really see you
i'd really see you again

i go crazy
when i look in your eyes
i still go crazy
no my heart just can't hide
that old that feeling inside
way deep down inside
oh baby you know when i look in your eyes
i go crazy

you say she satisfies your mind
tells you all of her dreams
i know how much that means to you
i realize that i was blind
just when i thought i was over you
i see your face and it just ain't true
no it just ain't true

i go crazy
when i look in your eyes
i still go crazy
that old flame comes alive
it starts burning inside
way deep down inside
oh baby
you know when i look in your eyes
i go crazy

i go crazy
you know when i look in your eyes
i go crazy
no my heart just can't hide
that old feeling inside
way deep down inside
i go crazy
you know when i look in your eyes
i go crazy

crazy

break my heart, why don't you?

i've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small
i've been drawing the line and watching it fall
you've been closing me in , closing the space in my heart
watching us fading and watching it all fall apart

well i can't explain why it's not enough
cause i gave it all to you
and if you leave me now
oh just leave me now
it's the better thing to do

it's time to surrender
it's been too long pretending
there's no use in trying
when the pieces don't fit anymore
(the pieces don't fit here anymore)

you pulled me under so i had to give in
such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
well i'll hide all the bruises; i'll hide all the damage that's done
but i show how i'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

well i can't explain why it's not enough
cause i gave it all to you
and if you leave me now
oh just leave me now
it's the better thing to do

it's time to surrender
it's been too long pretending
there's no use in trying
when the pieces don't fit anymore
(the pieces don't fit anymore)

oh, don't misunderstand how i feel
cause i've tried, yes i've tried
but still i don't know why
no i don't know why
i don't know why

why i can't explain why it's not enough
i gave it all to you
and if you leave me now
just leave me now
it's the better thing to do

well it's time to surrender
it's been too long pretending
there's no use in trying
when the pieces don't fit anymore
the pieces don't fit here anymore

"we have to take our, clothes off!"

See here's the thing

We have to take our, clothes off!
We have to party all night
And we have to take our, clothes off!
To have a good time
Oh no

last night, i made a toast. erm, as far as my memory serves me, i'm assuming it went along the lines of "here's to retirement!!" .. or something like that.

[1 jug of vodka lime, 1 glass of long island, 1 heineken] x2, it was 1-for-1. (fyi: that's just round 1, i'm not sure what licco/sham ordered for round 2 heh) -> the amount of alcohol we consumed, which isn't much - considering what others down in a mere few minutes.

i had loads and loads and oodles of fun. i loved the company, licco sham car jenny: too. much. fun. the music at phuture was actually good all night; the dj spun every hot song there was - tokyo drift, sexyback - just to name a few (i can't seem to remember the rest too well. oops!). deb wrote in one of her emails, "You seem so into the social scene of Singapore. " personally, i doubt it, but i am trying to get as much fun in as possible, till i have to leave, because i have not a clue as to what's coming up for me in UK.

so party people, let's party up!

p/s: i honestly didn't know where to hide my face (or dig a hole and bury my head in it) when i saw jenny on monday night at topshop - my face felt really warm and i couldn't stifle my giggles, i waved though.

i bet she was thinking: ohmy, there goes the crazy woman.

i was there to meet car and hazel for dinner. after the complete and utter fools we made of ourselves on saturday night (unlike our daytime alter egos slash professional fronts we put on for work [me especially]), i don't think i could ever look at her with a straight face again. haha. sharifah told licco that i was so far gone on saturday night.. and so... i'm not 100% sure what that sentence ended off with. i do know that isn't something to be proud of, spare me - it was my one night of revelry!

sophia.

Five o’ clock and a fire escape symphony
Spilling out across the road and the square
And the sky’s the same as your own, do you think of me?
Do the parks and trees and the leaves reach you there?
After the rain, in the lonely hours he haunts me
Calling out, again, and again

Sophia, Sophia, I’m burning, I’m burning
It’s a fire, a fire I cannot put out.
Sophia, Sophia, I’m learning that some things

I can’t go without
And one of them is him.

And now I walk these streets like a stranger in my home town,
Learn the language, form the words when I speak.
But he changed me, I’m his ghost since he came around
Now I count the hours, and the days and the weeks

In passion and silence,
Every word, every line a measure
It’s the science of the soul.
And his books, they breathe a reason
And now, I want to know

Sophia, Sophia, I’m burning, I’m burning
It’s a fire, a fire I cannot put out.
Sophia, Sophia, I’m learning that some things

I can’t go without

And you, with your new born eyes,
Have you ever loved a man like I love him?
Do you hurt, but still feel alive
Like never before?
Oh Sophia! Sophia!

Sophia, Sophia, I’m burning, I’m burning
It’s a fire, a fire I cannot put out.
Sophia, Sophia, I’m learning that some things

I can’t go without
I can’t go without him.

in over my head

things have been a-changing lately.

friday night
dinner with pp, far east
drinks at muse with jon & gaurav - chocolate martini (diabetically sweet)
adjourned to butter, the boys - champagne, G&T, vodka lime&cranberry

fantastic night! pity i don't remember too much of it, save for selective bits like gaurav's "you're like a ping pong ball!" comment and the hugs - loads of 'em from/with loads of people, god knows who. quite unfortunately, my brain tends to automatically weed out the memory of fun-filled nights in favour of other more/less important things, like oh i don't know, the fact that sarah jessica parker's husband is matthew broderick?

(i was willing to bet my life on this, when ken and i got into a heated debate over lunch at the marmalade pantry a week or so ago - the place is SO chi chi it's unbelievable!)

i recall being all high and giggly (the works); this is what you get after weeks of weaning yourself off the late nights out and alcohol - plays merry hell with your tolerance levels. i do remember being shoved around a surprising number of times that night (my body made pliable by the effects of alcohol), giving way to gaurav's astute observation and following remark. heh.

saturday
wanton noodle lunch while watching my korean drama serial on tape
laundry - handwashing/hanging my delicates (nearly breaking my arms/back in the process) i hope i get some arm muscle definition from this.
running of errands - bought vanilla chocolate chip ice cream and cola
primary school class gathering - serious bundle of fun!

phrase(s) of the night:
"YOU LOOK SO OLD!!"
"OHMYGOD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!?!"

monday
mel's 21st dinner party

tuesday
jing's 21st, after work
shopping & supper with jon after after work
(not sure how i'm gonna arrange this)

wednesday
ladies night! anyone?
supper, jpoh? (sorry this is the only available slot) heh

thursday
dental appointment
more laundry?
grown up/dress-up dinner party at andrea's bachelorette pad at the far side of the world

friday
vishal's house party

saturday
heading down to mos with crazy colleagues

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind