grey room

it comes in waves, most days you'll be fine, then out of (literally) nowhere - a scent, a song, a sound, a hug, a shirt, a memory, a word, a sentence, a note, a photoframe, a gift, a sample of handwriting, an entry in a diary, anything really - it'll hit you. hard.

your insides will dissolve and you'll break down. cry your heart out, just as i'm doing so now. weep cry sob - let the tears fall freely. i'm not afraid to admit it; there's nothing wrong with being sad.

because you will be sad, for awhile. but like all waves, they come and go. the moment will pass; then you'll pick yourself up and remember to keep on living. to always keep those priceless memories locked up in your heart. to never forget.

aramis; if/when v3 wore it - in the past. counterpain; that's what set me off this time round - the smell will haunt me for as long as i live. any song; right now - grey room, damien rice. the turning of a key in the lock; still gets me every time.

bear hugs; his in particular, for no particular reason at all - i guess i felt safe in his embrace. crisp white shirts; him again.

any memory; too many.

'daddy'; the fact that i can't say it anymore, that it sounds foreign on my tongue. "simple but good"; sunday night dinners at home.

"Dear daddy,
can you please buy me for my birthday
a secret Heart Ken man for me ok,
thank you daddy,
from Victoria Tan"

; written when i was 5 or 6. mum found it in 2005 - i have that ken doll.

the rose frame; a congratulatory present for doing well in school. several over the years; most memorably - the watch set as a surprise. a handwritten note: accompanying the watch set.

the last letter i ever wrote him; telling him i forgive him and asking for forgiveness.

i wish you could see me now. i think you might be proud. i'd never know for sure, but.. just know that i did it for you as much as i did it for me.


"Love you...."
"Always.... "
"World enough.... "
"And time...."