dear daddy

dear daddy,

"i miss you".

i find myself thinking about you very often these days, now more so than ever. i don't quite know what to say exactly; i can't seem to find the right words. i'm sifting through the thoughts in my head, oh what's the point? knowing me, i'll end up saying it all anyway.

i just came back from an event - the preview of the kate moss collection. serving all those people 'up there', vips/media, has the inevitable tendency to make me feel tiny and insignificant. how i long to be someone 'up there'; someone of importance, someone who commands respect without even having to try - but i want to have (had) worked my way up to the top, THE RIGHT (read: non-bitchy/fake) WAY.

oh yeah, and to have been NICE while i was at it. (very important!)

the one thing that you were so good at, was always making me feel special. and loved. i remember the way you used to leave me (and only me) little gifts, to make up for my feeling left out most of the time, being the middle child and all.

thinking back, i wish i had hugged you one more time, said "i love you" and really meant it, taken the time to ask you how your day was, spent just a second/minute/hour more with you, getting to know you, instead of zipping off to do whatever it is 15 year old teenagers have to do.

mummy and i don't go shopping together, EVER (unless we absolutely have to), because we'd end up arguing about everything, from how the colour of my shoes don't match my bag to... everything. that alone makes me wonder what it would be like if you were still around. would you and i go shopping together? we have similar tastes, i like that *smile*. you always said i had colour coordination and a good dress sense :)

i see mothers/fathers/daughters shopping together every single day, and all i can do is stare at them wistfully, wishing it were me. it may sound stupid and silly, but the knowledge that you were 'somebody' and that i'm 'somebody's daughter' makes me smile - just a teensy bit - from time to time.

i like keeping this little secret in my heart; the knowledge that i too, am someone who matters - even if i'm the only person in the world who thinks so.

i have my sad and lonely days too you know. when my brain's not occupied with useless thoughts and it gets all quiet, i wonder if you would have been proud had you been at my graduation, or to send me off on my first day at my first proper grown-up job. i know you would have made a big deal at my fashion show, *rolls eyes* probably the only one. i know how you get excited at these things *smile*

don't make me cry okay? i've cried enough as it is. daddy, i really miss you. wherever you are, i hope you miss me too.

love, me.