forgiveness

looking at old photographs; achingly bittersweet. memories i've almost forgotten making. filled with the strangest sensation; like looking at another me, in another life. i recognize my own face, but feel nothing. empty inside. in this very instant, it feels like my seemingly endless reserve(s) of love have suddenly run dry. as if nothing in the world could ever make me feel whole again - just in this instant.


wondering how one can be so certain about the future in a moment, how one can make plans, have hopes and dreams... and how easily a heart can change at any given time. when that happens, there's not a damn thing you can do about it. no amount of tears or money in the world can turn back time; back to day one zero, start all over again, "hello stranger."


they say, when the heart knows, it knows. i guess you could say, i knew when to take my leave. i just never knew i knew, if that makes any sense at all.


i'm not sad or nostalgic. i'm not anything, really. if i had a choice, i'd do it all over again. if i could live my life one more time, i would live it exactly as i had lived it before, 


but better.

"SHE LIVED WITH GRACE AND DIGNITY" 

if i had my way, i would have that engraved on my tombstone

..... but i'm not certain i can say that about myself anymore. in the eyes of some, i've fallen from grace and there seems to be nothing i can do to regain a shred of dignity. what's worse is... i used to see myself as a paragon of virtue (ha ha, as if!) at the very least - a good, honest person. the kind of person who would never knowingly hurt another. and yet, in doing what was instinctive (and necessary) for the sake of my sanity/survival at the time, i hurt the ones who loved me most. 


i've never been on THEOTHERSIDE before; i don't like it over here.


the past half a year has been a continuous uphill battle, my heart has grown weary. i don't want to fight anymore. i don't have the emotional capacity to survive another war of words.


in your eyes, i have sinned; and for some reason unfathomable to all but you, the betrayal burns deeper than any other. you might as well burn me at the stake and be done with it, because short of a miracle i don't see you letting go of this anytime soon - say within the next 10 years?


however, the ultimate question is: can i ever forgive myself? how does one even begin to seek/attain forgiveness from oneself? 

for·giveness (fər giv′nis)

noun

1. a forgiving or being forgiven; pardon
2. inclination to forgive or pardon