my love

<3<3<3

MEREDITH: "It's not us. It's them. Them and their stupid boy penises.

I held on as tightly as you held onto me

Alex: I filled this entire bag with coins from my patient's stomach today.
Cristina: No kiddin'.
Alex (long pause): I miss Rebecca.
Cristina (long pause): I miss Burke.
Alex (holds up the bag of coins): Want some money? (Cristina smiles)

Song playing in the scene: "To Build A Home" by Cinematic Orchestra


this scene breaks my heart.

p/s: missing the girls. life just seems... less, since you've been gone. i want to, but i can't cry. not anymore. i just... ache. wishing you were here.

all my love.

s&m.

Meredith: You're mocking my severe emotional limitations.
Derek: ... Mockery, mockery, that's the deal breaker.
Meredith: Okay, sex and mockery it is.




scrolling through my old blog entries, i uncoverediscovered a long forgotten hence hidden irony in the oft-referenced american girl in paris situation; it started in 48 hours and ended in 48 hours - fittingly so, i feel. back then, it was our little inside joke, now it's more of... a cruel coincidence. though, coincidental? i think not. *nods wisely*

fate always has the upper hand.

you know what, i'm too tired to be making sense right now. all that is occupying my mind at this very moment is (in order of importance)

1. using rome as a motivational tool to finish my essay and all other assignments before christmas break
2. hunting down that 1.99 pound batiste tropical dry shampoo and/or bumble & bumble hair powder that will change my life and have people say

"She has a certain je ne sais quoi about her" oh, just make me parisian already!

3. whether to bathe, eat that spotted banana on my table or microwave some chocolate chip cookies even though it's 3am and i should just sleep. or maybe wash my fringe.

yep, you heard me right.

the lazy girl's guide to avoiding greasy-looking hair: shampoo your fringe.

it tends to get the oiliest out of your entire head of hair because it has max. contact with your face. if you don't have time to wash your hair whilst getting ready for a night out, just do your bangs. after washing em', blowdry em' and voila! instant refresher. the rest of your hair should remain relatively fine - besides you're gonna get dirty dancing anyway, might as well bathe when you come home - in actual fact, the natural oil from your roots leave your hair much softer & silkier as the day/night progresses. my hair was never on such good behaviour nor looked that photogenic until our one night out in london. don't believe me? evidence on facebook. check. it. out. *grin*

see, you learn something new everyday.

/addiction

Meredith: [narrating] In the hospital, we see addiction every day. It's shocking how many kinds of addiction exist. It would be too easy if it were just drugs and booze and cigarettes. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive, compulsive, out of control. It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away.

"I lost my panties, last night."

GEORGE: [narrating] "Karma. One way or another it will leave us to face ourselves. We can look our karma in the eye or we can wait for it to sneak up from behind. But karma will always find us. The truth is, as surgeons, we have more chances than most to set the balance in our favor. Yet no matter how hard we try we can't escape our karma. It follows us home. I guess we can't really complain about our karma. It's not an affair. It's not unexpected. It just... evens the score. And even when we're about to do something that we know will tempt karma to bite us in the ass... well, it goes without saying. We do it anyway."

grownup-hood

when i was in secondary school, i watched with mouth agape as all the sec 4s sashayed around like they ruled the school, fact of the matter was - they did. being 16 never looked so cool. when i was 16, being legal was all the rage. i looked upon turning 18 as a ritual of sorts. i yearned to be 18 and legal; you're supposed to have a revelation, and there's a moment in which you leave your old self behind and become an adult, or something like that.

then i heard that at 19, a woman is apparently at her peak; she will be at her most attractive stage, look the most beautiful and be in the best shape, physically. there was just something (i can't really put my finger on it), it was evident in all my sister's friends, then 19; this innate sense of self-confidence/assurance that sparkled from within. it was as if they had come into their own, found themselves - they no longer required approval of any kind, from anyone.

they lived for themselves.

i remember admiring them immensely and spending my days wondering when i would feel the same.

at each particular significant 'turning point' - i waited patiently for this revelation, and the magical transformation to take place - there was none. i wanted so desperately to be of age, to find out for myself what it felt like to not feel the constant urge to seek validation, i wanted to radiate self-confidence with every step. i wanted to be a real grown up.

one day, - today in fact - i realized that the transformation was not noticeable because it didn't take place overnight, but gradually over time, many years. there was no instant ugly duckling->swan moment nor the sprinkling of fairydust.

a couple of hours ago, i was sitting poolside with the usual suspects, sipping wine, dressed in a sky blue oversized men's shirt (i can't help but feel empowered and sexy wearing a man's shirt!), white shorts, brown leather saddle belt slung loosely over the hips and green & white striped wedges (just fyi) and it hit me. we were conversing about random things, as per normal. i suggested we all share 3 things that none of us knew about each other. in the midst of that, realization dawned: i AM a grown up.

i'm at that stage in my life where i've finally come into my own, i wear whatever i want, i do whatever i please and i TRY not to give a damn about what other people think or say. i feel comfortable being myself, trust me when i say it's been a long time coming.

hey, life's short. you gotta live for yourself.

i've never felt more grown up in my life. for the first time i have; a job, bills to pay, official government letters about CPF/the $100 GST thing/donating my organs, CREDIT CARDS, real problems and issues to deal with - all of which are things i associate with grownup-hood

Dr. Meredith Grey: We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?

note: i loved my lashes today. my mascara is drying up just a little, the end result was my lashes sorta clumping up - i did them in a hurry - but ultimately looking very thick and doll-like, it opened up my eyes tremendously! makeup: i changed the shade of my tinted moisturiser, it's currently a mix of pink+ochre. flushed cheeks, windblown strands loosely knotted into a bun, no eyeliner or eyeshadow, just mascara. and my pretty stila lipglaze.

"i wanna have your babies."
- natasha bedingfield

how do i make it stop?

everywhere i turn, i see couples couples and more couples.

not that it's a bad thing, but...

HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP?

MEREDITH: "You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done! All the boys and all the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cares? I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore."
DEREK: "This thing with us is finished. It's over."
MEREDITH: "Finally."
DEREK: "Yeah, it's done."
MEREDITH: "It is done."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Meredith Grey: What was I to you? The girl you screwed to get over being screwed?
Dr. Derek Shepherd: You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me. It's all I know.
Dr. Meredith Grey: It's not good enough.

I think I'm a Meredith.

I think I'm a Meredith.

Derek: It's not the chase.
Meredith: What?
Derek: You and me. It is not the thrill of the chase. It's not a game. It's...it's your tiny ineffectual fists. And your hair.
Meredith: My hair?
Derek: It smells good. And you're very, very bossy. It keeps me in line.
Meredith: I'm still not going out with you.
Derek: You say that now.

I could well be the one that got away.

p/s: much love to debs, for the grey's anatomy season 1 dvd on loan and the lovely girly chat (in your bed) on absolutely everything and nothing - you know what i mean.

i came bearing: 1 strawberry crumble, 1 quarter eaten peanut butter chocolate cupcake, 1 giant sized pixi stix, 1 teen vogue & 3 cleos

with the intention of saving you, but nothing could compare to you saving me from the dreaded act of THINKING TOO MUCH, and staring at my laptop all day long, of course.

p/p/s: i need to get a job, per-ron-to!

Into You Like A Train

Into You Like A Train

MEREDITH: [drunkenly narrating] "In general, people can be categorized in one of two ways. Those who love surprises and those who don't. I don't. I've never met a surgeon that enjoys a surprise, because as surgeons, we like to be in the know. We have to be in the know, because when we aren't, people die and lawsuits happen. Okay, I think I'm rambling. My point, actually, and I do have one, has nothing to do with surprises or death or lawsuits, or even surgeons. My point is that whoever said 'What you don't know can't hurt you,' was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world." [sees passengers impaled on metal pole] "Okay, fine. Maybe the second worst."

(About Meredith)
Bailey: Turn around, walk away.
Derek: From what?
Bailey: From my intern.
Derek: But I wasn't--
Bailey: Yes, you were. Look, look, look, you can't do this, you don't have the right. Not anymore.

Derek: I just wanna find out if she's okay.
Bailey: She's not. She's a human traffic accident and everybody is slowing down to look at the wreckage. She's doing the best she can with what she has left. Look I know you can't see this because you're in it. But you can't help her now, it'll only make it worse. Now walk away and leave her to mend.

"i think i'm going to bleed."

what's left of me?

i haven't been myself for the past three years it seems - it feels like there's a secret about me going around and i'm the last to know - at least not whilst i was in school. design school was the place, the perfect setting for me to find myself

instead, i seem to have lost myself.

empty on the inside, empty on the outside
i'm a shell that has lost its lustre,
an oyster with no pearl.
every day that goes by is another day lost;
i'm a silent observer, a witness to the world
in a world of worlds
i open my mouth but words don't come out.
my hands are bound behind my back,
in plain sight but nobody stops
to untie me.
all i can do is sit and stare,
the thoughts swimming through my brain
everything's vague, yet precise altogether.
words thoughts colours pictures sentences photos people memories phrases scenes;
so many things i'm longing to say,
but nothing gets said.

there's an open flesh wound, i can't summon the will to turn away. i look and i squint and i stare, part morbid fascination, part curiosity. i can feel a tinge of pain traveling through my veins, i know the blood will exit soon. and yet, some for reason unknown, it hasn't.

and so, i wait.

i feel my lips pronouncing the words,"i think i'm going to bleed."

the waiting re-commences. i muse: how long is this going to take? will there or will there not be any bloodshed today?

common sense takes hold, sooner or later i'm gonna have to bleed.

and i do.

it's always only a matter of time.

The Self Destruct Button

"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop. "- meredith grey, grey's anatomy.

my favourite line from grey's anatomy

Here's what I know. There are some lines too dangerous to cross. But there are others... if you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side is spectacular. - Grey's Anatomy