what the * have i done.

i'm speechless
and trust me, that doesn't happen often
even blue moons occur with a higher frequency.

first, there was shock
then came that all-too-familiar
sick feeling, rising
from deep in the pit of my stomach
the pale face and shaking hands
next anger, raised voices
finally
calm. silence.

i'm so stupid.
somewhere deep in my subconscious,
i already knew this was going to happen.
yet, like a fool
i waited.
that's all i seem to do these days,
wait.

kinda like, you know it's bad for you
but you still do it anyway?

the little voice inside your head is going:
don't do it!
but you ignore it,
pay it no heed.
instead,
you jump headfirst
into the next big potential mess.

this is harder than i ever thought it would be,

"nobody said it was easy,
it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard."
- the scientist, coldplay.

but i've been through worse,
and i shall pull myself through this
the way i always do, (hopefully)

move forward, don't look back.

thank you daddy,
because of you
my tears have all dried up,
i can't cry no more.
as much as i want to,
there're none left to shed.
and in this case
that's a good thing
believe me.

on a different, but similarly painful note, it's funny how just one look at your photo sends a jolt through me. more like an electric shock. what the fuck have i just done. what have i done.