"i think i'm going to bleed."

what's left of me?

i haven't been myself for the past three years it seems - it feels like there's a secret about me going around and i'm the last to know - at least not whilst i was in school. design school was the place, the perfect setting for me to find myself

instead, i seem to have lost myself.

empty on the inside, empty on the outside
i'm a shell that has lost its lustre,
an oyster with no pearl.
every day that goes by is another day lost;
i'm a silent observer, a witness to the world
in a world of worlds
i open my mouth but words don't come out.
my hands are bound behind my back,
in plain sight but nobody stops
to untie me.
all i can do is sit and stare,
the thoughts swimming through my brain
everything's vague, yet precise altogether.
words thoughts colours pictures sentences photos people memories phrases scenes;
so many things i'm longing to say,
but nothing gets said.

there's an open flesh wound, i can't summon the will to turn away. i look and i squint and i stare, part morbid fascination, part curiosity. i can feel a tinge of pain traveling through my veins, i know the blood will exit soon. and yet, some for reason unknown, it hasn't.

and so, i wait.

i feel my lips pronouncing the words,"i think i'm going to bleed."

the waiting re-commences. i muse: how long is this going to take? will there or will there not be any bloodshed today?

common sense takes hold, sooner or later i'm gonna have to bleed.

and i do.

it's always only a matter of time.

The Self Destruct Button

"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop. "- meredith grey, grey's anatomy.