grownup-hood

when i was in secondary school, i watched with mouth agape as all the sec 4s sashayed around like they ruled the school, fact of the matter was - they did. being 16 never looked so cool. when i was 16, being legal was all the rage. i looked upon turning 18 as a ritual of sorts. i yearned to be 18 and legal; you're supposed to have a revelation, and there's a moment in which you leave your old self behind and become an adult, or something like that.

then i heard that at 19, a woman is apparently at her peak; she will be at her most attractive stage, look the most beautiful and be in the best shape, physically. there was just something (i can't really put my finger on it), it was evident in all my sister's friends, then 19; this innate sense of self-confidence/assurance that sparkled from within. it was as if they had come into their own, found themselves - they no longer required approval of any kind, from anyone.

they lived for themselves.

i remember admiring them immensely and spending my days wondering when i would feel the same.

at each particular significant 'turning point' - i waited patiently for this revelation, and the magical transformation to take place - there was none. i wanted so desperately to be of age, to find out for myself what it felt like to not feel the constant urge to seek validation, i wanted to radiate self-confidence with every step. i wanted to be a real grown up.

one day, - today in fact - i realized that the transformation was not noticeable because it didn't take place overnight, but gradually over time, many years. there was no instant ugly duckling->swan moment nor the sprinkling of fairydust.

a couple of hours ago, i was sitting poolside with the usual suspects, sipping wine, dressed in a sky blue oversized men's shirt (i can't help but feel empowered and sexy wearing a man's shirt!), white shorts, brown leather saddle belt slung loosely over the hips and green & white striped wedges (just fyi) and it hit me. we were conversing about random things, as per normal. i suggested we all share 3 things that none of us knew about each other. in the midst of that, realization dawned: i AM a grown up.

i'm at that stage in my life where i've finally come into my own, i wear whatever i want, i do whatever i please and i TRY not to give a damn about what other people think or say. i feel comfortable being myself, trust me when i say it's been a long time coming.

hey, life's short. you gotta live for yourself.

i've never felt more grown up in my life. for the first time i have; a job, bills to pay, official government letters about CPF/the $100 GST thing/donating my organs, CREDIT CARDS, real problems and issues to deal with - all of which are things i associate with grownup-hood

Dr. Meredith Grey: We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?

note: i loved my lashes today. my mascara is drying up just a little, the end result was my lashes sorta clumping up - i did them in a hurry - but ultimately looking very thick and doll-like, it opened up my eyes tremendously! makeup: i changed the shade of my tinted moisturiser, it's currently a mix of pink+ochre. flushed cheeks, windblown strands loosely knotted into a bun, no eyeliner or eyeshadow, just mascara. and my pretty stila lipglaze.

"i wanna have your babies."
- natasha bedingfield