turns you around.

i know what this feeling is.

you know, ordinarily i would say 'PMS' without even batting an eyelid. though i wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it this time. it sure feels like it.

i've had alot of time to think these past few days. i must've walked home/in from begonia at least 2 times in the past 2 days. being alone, the silence stemming from the absence of presence that surrounds you, it makes you think. sometimes a tad too much. yes, i used the word TAD. so sue me.

this is that time of the month when my conscience starts to return. in bits and pieces first, then gradually in chunks. soon, i'll be a fully loaded crying machine; working my wonderful water fountain eyes to the strains of bryan adams's "please forgive me", joni mitchell's "both sides now", jeff buckley's "hallelujah", "a lack of colour", death cab for (a) cutie [my gramatically correct self acting up again] & track #7, "waiting for you"by jim brickman.

walking home, to the sounds of 'tisbury lane' [mae] and 'now that you're gone' [ryan adams] on repeat, it began. and by it, i mean the flood of emotions; they started pouring in from all directions, threatening to take my gradually dampening eyes to a whole new level. thoughts of her, him, them, us took over.

his hug, her smile, his voice. her acidic wit, his brilliance, his blue grey eyes. the smell of his cologne, his warm hug, her laughter was pure joy. his favourite soft blanket, his home-cooked meals, her CD on the sound of pipes. his impatience, her red glasses, his ease with Amaths and all things academic. his crystals and the power of healing, her backpacking adventures around the world, how he charmed everyone and anyone with his dirty jokes.

their combined zest for life.

now, life is but an empty shell
they were the grains of sand
that became lustrous pearls
will we see that day again?

everything has lost its colour.

i have my one solitary consolation though,
he makes it better.
not all better, just better.

a colourless, lifeless being
wandering aimlessly
dazed and confused,
but he found her
and made her whole.

he made me whole.

you gotta give renee zellweger credit for coining the line 'you complete me' (jerry mcguire). because, you know what?
sometimes, i really believe it.

we may not be perfect, no one is.
but what we have here,
this crazy feeling
that has taken ahold of me
and strung me upside down
more times than i'd like
love, you call it?
i've craved it for a better part of my life
but received none,
till you.
nothing will ever be the same, i realise.

i've never known what it's like to miss someone
truly madly deeply
the last 3 days? torture.
a sullen little girl equals me
all because you went away
and they say,
'when the cat goes away,
the mice come out to play'
i say, nay.

i can't stand to be apart from you
yet the future it seems,
is fraught with distance.
ah, to hell with it
we'll deal with it a day at a time.

because i love you.
and you love me.

an idealist would say, "love conquers all."
i say, "let's conquer love."

i don't think that was supposed to make sense.
if it did, good job well done.
if it didn't, good job well done.

and when i see you
i really see you upside down
but my brain knows better
it picks you up and turns you around
turns you around, turns you around

got that? it's physics, really.

think about it.