mother and daughter

i know that to other people, this may seem like a horrible thought. but there are times in my life, times like these, when i wish you had gone instead of him.

this complicated, beyond-repair, supposed relationship that we're supposed to have? it does not exist. maybe in the past it did, but in the present? no. in the future? most definitely not.

the only reason i can't pack up and leave when you threaten me is because i have nowhere else to go and i love my room too much. when i finish school, i'm leaving and i'll never turn back. i remember virginia used to say that to me after fighting with you. she said," when i grow up, i'm going to leave this place. and i'm NEVER coming back." i used to cry and beg her to stay. i didn't want her to leave me all alone.

but now i understand the feeling. the need to get away. get out. to run so far away that i can never hear her screaming at me EVER again. far enough to escape her binding ropes and her choking grasps. can't you see that i'm suffocating here? i can barely breathe. soon, you will stifle me completely. and all that will be left is you. you you you. when that happens, which will be pretty soon, remind me to remind you to be happy. after all, all your stress is gone. but then again, i'm sure you will find another way and another person to stress you up. because that is what you do best.

she used to say," if i give you enough rope, you will hang yourself."

well, to say that i'm as good as hung. with or without the ropes should suffice.

the saddest part about this is that, you were the most important person in my life, once. you were the person that i loved the most. all i wanted was some form of acknowledgement from you. some form of praise. something. anything.

when i never got that. i drifted further and further away from you. so far away that any form of endearment made me cringe. you turned me away. you pushed me away from you. it was all done at your hands. you did this to me.

i don't know whether to love you or to hate you. they say that hate actually stems from love; that in order to hate someone, you have to love them first. that's not true. i can't remember the time when i loved you at all. all i remember is how you make me cry. all i remember is how you will never make me stop feeling guilty. all i remember is how you scream and shout. all i remember is how you drive a stake in my heart with the cruel words that spew from your mouth. only you can drive me to the brink of insanity.

you will never be happy with me, the same way i will never be the domestic housewife that you want me to be. let me tell you this now:

i will never be gentle, sweet or demure.
i will never be soft-spoken, or LEARN to do things quietly.
i will never be as intelligent as virginia or have a memory like verrell.
i will never learn NOT to talk back to you when you accuse me of something i did not do.
i will never learn to bite my tongue.
i will never do as you tell me to without asking why.
i will never take," don't ask why, just do it." as an answer that i can live with.
i will NEVER EVER accept it when you tell me boys are superior to girls.
i will never stop wearing flip flops.
i will never and i repeat NEVER coordinate from head to toe in the same colour.
i will never be the type of daughter that you want me to be.
i will never be like you.
i will never BE you.

and it's about time you stopped asking me to. wait, you never ASKED me to be like you. you EXPECTED me to be like you. well, TOO BAD. you either take me as i am, or you.. wait, now you're on my territory, i get to make the rules. take me as i am. no if's. no but's.

if you can't handle that, tough. deal with it.

as your favourite phrase goes," tough luck charlie." i say the same to you.