i am mourning.

victoria is in mourning.

i am, distraught. damaged. devastated. destroyed.

i am never going to get over this. please tell me i'll stop crying, soon. for now, i can't seem to cease the waterworks. i'm so very tired. i've been at this pretty much continuously for 2 days straight. i tried to be strong, to keep my chin up, turn around and walk away with a dry face - makeup and dignity intact - to no avail, twice.

i don't know how i managed it: i started tearing the instant i walked away from lili, then proceeded to cry my way through the 1.5 hour train ride from heathrow to leicester square. i made a feeble attempt to straighten up, listen to my ipod and mindlessly flip through teen vogue - managing to pause for a good 10 minutes before i lost control and continued quietly crying (her parting gift made it 10 times worse), without stopping for breath once. not caring who saw me or what they thought - i think the guy sitting across me must've assumed i was some crazy asian chick, (he witnessed 1.5 hours worth of crying) - i let the tears flow freely down my cheeks.

[fyi: i've never cried in public before, excluding airports, so this is a first, a very public first]

it felt like the longest ride of my life.

people keep telling me "you're a big girl now." "you'll get over it." "you'll make new friends." when is it going to get through their thick skulls that i'm NOT? it's not just the fact that my best friends went away. i can say this, i've never been on the same wavelength with anyone as much as i am with them (dare i say, not even my friends back home), they GET ME get me (and vice versa), we finish each other sentences, one LOOK/raised eyebrow and we know exactly what the other is thinking, sometimes we don't even have to look (rome. speedy asian anyone?) i can just picture the smirks/look of comprehension on their faces.

we're a team: we look out for one another.

when one is sick, the others come running with medicine, offering (a) warm bed/blankets, hot food. when one is returning from london, the others pick her up from the station, bringing an extra scarf, umbrella, coat. when one goes on an 'excursion', the others reheat tabao-ed food, refusing to go to bed, not before insisting on details! when one is feeling down, the others offer hugs, chocolate, ice cream, alcohol? a listening ear. when one is frustrated/needs help with assignments, the others make suggestions, offer information on research, skip class to pitch in. when one goes grocery shopping, wait actually.. - all for one, one for all - we go together. when one goes "seriously?" the others finish "seriously!" when one makes rice risotto, the others chop onions, stir, pick plates/cutlery that are usable/un-skanky-looking *small smile*

it's the permanence of it all that i can't deal with; the fact that i might never see them again. at least not in the NEAR near future, nor in the proximity or frequency that i'm accustomed to. no, i shan't think this way. mandi: this is only a temporary separation. according to our 5 year plan, we're going to work in london and live in one of the pastel houses in portobello. she'll cook, i'll clean. lili will come visit, balance out the trio.

the three musketeers
mandi: professional wondergirl. lili: speedy asian. vic: lost in translation.

correction. vic: lost.

i can't do this. i can't go on without them. i'm so fucking lost. i don't know what i said or did yesterday. i don't know where i went, what i ate. if i didn't go up to NGR's, i don't think i would've made it home anyway. i couldn't bear the thought of the 2 hour train ride back, without them. i wasn't ready to go home last night; to face an empty house, an empty kitchen. the deafening silence.

i thought i could do this, but i just can't.
not today.

when people leave, everything stays the same. nothing changes. nothing but the fact that you're not here. so technically, nothing changes, but in reality it's everything, you see? and now, i'm the only one left to pick up the pieces; a shelf, stack of magazines, princess kiwi, a rice cooker, odd mismatched crockery, champagne glasses, frying pan, disney sleeping bag.. the remnants of you. i've never seen mandi's room so clean in my life, just now i started sobbing as i entered it and looked around. she's not there anymore. i walk down the hallway, neither is lili. i don't hear their voices calling out to me from the kitchen. the couch has been taken away too.

what a difference a day makes huh.

yesterday, every damn thing reminded me of them. eating sushi. starbucks. crossing roads in london. chinatown. jack daniels. the railway. taking the tube. music on my ipod. everywhere i turned, i saw them, like fuzzy holograms, i could just visualise what they would be doing if they were right next to me. what they would be saying. where we would be sitting; lili one across, mandi's head resting on my head resting on her shoulders.

i don't know anything anymore. their parting words to me (a few days beforehand): i know you're gonna be upset. don't do anything i wouldn't do. oh vic, what did you just do? did you make a huge mistake? what did you do? don't ask me, i don't know. i know nothing. no-thing.

all i know is, i'm going to stop crying for today. just today. i'm too exhausted to go on.