the truth about unconditional love.

"ive been completely self-absorbed as of late. thinking of my family now, looking at pictures of my brother and sister, and i can honestly say that the only thing that makes me sad about being away is how i know im missing out on their lives. theyre all grown up now. being away and being on a constant adventure makes me feel so far away, it makes them almost foreign. all of us have always been very emotionally independent, thats the way we were brought up. our lives i can say are separate. daily interaction was something i always took for granted, but now i think its a privilege which i no longer have. i leaned on my sister alot when times were very difficult, but i havent spoken to her in ages. and my brother grew up from nowhere in the meantime and now hes in acjc. in my mind hes still some kind of toddler.

but these are the choices we make, and we have to live by them. maybe at the end of this, as i suspect, one is really alone. i miss them, and yet i dont. the truth is, i like being away."

- excerpt from my sister's blog.

upon reading this, i felt a stirring in my heart, and the gentle sting of tears in my eyes. every word of it was true. i have been avoiding her as much as she me - and (i think) we both know it. i intentionally stayed away from her blog; thing is, i have no idea why. perhaps it's the distance... yup, blame the distance. for reasons unknown, it's just not the same. there's something there, unsaid, a distinctive knowledge of the fact that we're growing apart and there's not much we can say or do about it.

i miss her, but i don't. i haven't, for some time now. i suppose somewhere along the way, i stopped missing her presence, or noticing the absence of it. i accepted the fact that she was far far away, never to return - at least not anytime in the near future.

some loves are unconditional, some aren't.

i'll tell you what kind of love we as siblings share - it's the kind that withstands the countless fights over the years, the scratches and the bites, the tearing of nightdresses while struggling to turn off the other's computer, the squabbles over who got to use which phone, the chewing gum in my hair, that eventually had to be chopped off, the screaming matches over who got to use the toilet first, the spit in my face on chinese new year, the times when we all played together and she always got to be the queen/beautiful princess/saintly dying mother and i, the palace maid/evil witch/woman who stole her son away.. etc - definitely of the unconditional category.

and then there were the many many nights we cried on each other's shoulders, when it felt like the rest of the world didn't understand, only you and i did. being forced to grow up sooner than planned, when everyone else was still blissfully unaware of the harsh realities of life, or just crying over our failed love lives. and the many many boys that were the cause of the hurt and pain.

just so you know, i love you. and there's no but at the end of that sentence. call me if/when you're ready to talk, i'll be here - i always am. (well, unless i'm sleeping. haha)