the indoctrination of me.

p.s. had an hour long chat with my mum today about the elections; she tells me, your brother is becoming exactly like your father,which is staunchly anti-government. i turn to my fifteen year old bro,who updates me on how all the constituencies have been doing. she says my dad subtly indoctrinated all of us. i miss him now. - virgi's blog.

the second i read this i felt a sense of belonging just wisp away, right over my head. in just one line, i felt lost, like i had nowhere to go, nowhere to call home. when my mum said 'all of us', she wasn't talking about me. she probably wasn't even thinking about me. she probably forgot she even had another child.

am i the only one who isn't like my father?

sometimes i lie on my bed, my entire body facing the window, like an arrow in a compass, and i talk to god. i talk to daddy grandpa & aunty ivy too. in my better moments, i cry; confessing feelings of guilt at the way i behaved and i seek forgiveness for all the things that i could've done better in life. most of the time, i tell them how much i miss them. occasionally i say nothing at all. sometimes 'you say it best when you say nothing at all'.

i suppose it all boils down to choices. choices that we've made and the choices to come.

i was watching oprah while eating bread and curry (lunch), she was doing a special report on poverty in america. did you know that most americans are 2 paychecks away from poverty? meaning: if they failed to receive just 2 paychecks, they would fall into poverty?

one of the women they interviewed said that the reason she had come to this stage, was due to the choices she had made in life. one bad choice after another, and at 43 years old she was making 60 dollars a week as a laundromat clerk, with a daughter and granddaughter to support.

but she added that she still has hopes and dreams that her life can be better. that she will find a way to finish high school someday and attain her dream job of being a housekeeper.

my point being; it's no one's fault that i feel excluded from the happenings around the tan household. it's common knowledge that i'm never around on weekends because i'm holed up at G's house, 'livin' it up'.

if i want to feel like i belong to my family, it's high time i started acting like it. i can't help my political stand and if that has any significant link to being subtly indoctrinated by my father and his anti-government-ness, so be it. but if there's any other way i could be more family-oriented, even if it means spending more time at home, i will.

sorry G. this post is not saying anything about you, but we both know what this means. maybe you could stayover once in awhile instead of the other way around all the time. it's only fair.

much love,

maybe in my heart i always knew
i wasn't like you daddy
that our differences made us special
i'll continue to believe that anyway.