erring on the side of caution

why do we have to be so singaporean? and by that, i mean kiasu.

why do we ALWAYS have to be first in line? why do we ALWAYS have to get the parking lot nearest to the lift lobby? why do we ALWAYS have to be the first to arrive for every reunion dinner? why do we ALWAYS have to plan our route ahead for every traffic jam that we might encounter or every car accident that hasn't even happened just for a night out (dinner) in town?

and why do we ALWAYS get so worked up when we aren't/don't?

is it SO BAD to have to wait in line for a change? is it such a DISASTER to have to walk a short distance to the lift lobby for once? is it so TERRIBLE to not arrive to an empty reunion dinner just one year (we aren't even the ones who book the room)? is it that HORRIFIC a thought to be stuck in a traffic jam or get held up by a car accident for once in your life?

tell me i'm overreacting, call me crazy even, i don't care. you don't have to live in this seriously overplanned superstitious fengshui-crazy horoscope-life-living fortune teller-abiding family.

my mother errs too much on the side of caution, and i'll prove it.

case #1 there are a family of bats hanging on the roof over my front door. [note: they used to hang on the coconut tree leaf/branch in my garden, but they relocated.]

every day, you can see long lines of bat shit dripping down the otherwise clean white walls above my front door. sometimes, i even ENJOY starting off my morning stepping into batshit on the INSIDES of my shoes. we have to cover the 'welcome' mat with newspaper every night, and move all our shoes to the further possible area from their little abode.

WHY, you ask?

things weren't like this in the past, we were so annoyed that mum told carol to chase them away with a broom. they disappeared, for awhile. then my mother 'found out' that bats represent GOOD LUCK, even better if they shit! shit=luck/fortune/money.

so she commenced the 'bring the bats back!' campaign. it didn't work, but they came back in due time. and they've been shitting happily over my front door ever since, occasionally strolling aka FLYING through my living room while we watch tv. it happened the other night; grandma and i merely turned our heads and watched them fly left and right, with nary a blink.

case #2 recently, we have had a little porcelain green frog with a coin in its mouth making home on the top of my staircase in front of the main entrance. [note: that was where we used to line up our shoes, for convenience's sake] well, not anymore.

the frog with the coin in its mouth is for, yes you guessed it, luck/fortune/money. you know, the whole shebang. so we're not allowed to put our shoes there anymore, and with the bats in tow, we have to hide everything in our huge shoe cabinet, which just irritates me because when i'm rushing for school in the morning i can't find SHIT, the batshit in my shoes being the only exception of course.

case #3 now and then, i also discover weird odds and ends/knick knacks sneakily placed around my room when i'm sleeping or out.

these weird objects include: a mini glass globe surruptiously placed on my work table, cleverly camouflaged with the rest of the inanimates, a green and red dragon statuette on the top of the highest cupboard mounted on the wall. i found that one by accident, when i stood on a chair to clean the dust off the top.

[note: i have been banned from removing/re-positioning any of them] for fengshui purposes.. what else did you expect? heh.

case #4 i have been summoned to carry around a lucky cat keychain, this almanac thing with 4 jade animals dangling and a dzi bead which she INSISTED both times that i hang on my phone. i REFUSED. give me a break, it's heavier and bigger than my phone! ooh, today, i found a gold chinese coin - with the hole in the middle - stuffed deep inside my wallet. mysneakymother.

case #5 (erring on the side of caution 1) my mother keeps her handphone in one of those hideous black leather cases, hangs many knicknacks on it, mostly fengshui-related and usually 10 times bigger than the phone itself.

the irony is that she lost her phone at the country club recently, and the funny thing was that she was more upset about losing her almanac than the phone!

case #6 (erring on the side of caution 2) she's the kind of person who would keep her entire car wrapped up in plastic for eternity, if she could.

you can't 'SLAM' the doors too hard, but you see... her definition of SLAMMING defers from the normal human being/car-owner. even a gentle closing motion is a SLAM to her. she gets angry, violent even, when you SLAM her doors.

when you open the doors, you have to put your hand on the other side to protect it from getting scratched, banging into other things etc. when it happens (hardly), she cries bloody murder. the sunshield thingys are still wrappped in plastic, by the way. it's the most irritating thing watching her drive at 50 on the highway and fumbling with her handset and the plastic-encased sunshield at the same time.

i fear for her safety.

hey! i'm not exaggerating about the 50 on the highway thing. verrell and i actually stood up and CHEERED (in the car) when she hit 60 once - she was rushing back to watch one of her thousand favourite tv shows.

here's where the irony lies: when verrell and her come home, she usually asks him to press the button on the remote and open the gate. the thing is, my mother is too dependent on verrell and sometimes even expects him to do these things without saying a word.

so one fine day [i'm bathing] and i hear a loud BANG, followed by screams and cries of horror. i know it's from our house, but god knows what could've caused such a commotion. so i descend the stairs in my usual fashion and i find out that mummy DROVE INTO THE GATE.

excuse me while i laugh (my brains out).
MAHAHAHAHA.

she's never gonna live this down, i thought.

you see, mum expected verrell to open the gate (but she didn't say so), and verrell didn't get any instructions, so he didn't do anything. then BOOM. they drive into the gate. i have to admit, it was a joint effort and collaboration. they couldn't have done it without each other. classic.

in usual mummy fashion, she gets out of the car and promptly screams at verrell, apparently it's HIS fault for not opening the gate. verrell is screaming back that you can't expect him to do something you didn't ask him to. he's not a frickin psychic.

god, i love my family.

we're off to dinner at jerry's @ jalan kayu. i wanted to treat everyone to dinner in town, for once we'll get to dress up and look nice. holland v - too far. NYDC - hard to get parking. sigh.

mummy mummy. *shakes head*
one of a kind.

we settled on jerry's, what the hell.
the food fantastic, who needs heels?