dear virginia

dear virginia,

i admit it. you are right. i'm angry, bitter, disgusted, resentful.. all of the things you said i am, i am. i am not afraid to admit it. i am not ashamed. i am only guilty of the exact same thing that i accuse them of...

i pretend.

just like them, i pretend.

they pretend that everything's alright. while i, pretend that everything they think is alright, is indeed all right. mummy says 'wear your best clothes so that they know we're doing just fine without them'. and i do.

i scream and shout and rant and rave.

i REFUSE to pretend! that's what i said. but i obligingly put on a show for them. just like pinnochio, for geppeto.

i'm so full of anger. but i'm sad. because i realise that no matter how angry i am for discarding us and easily forgetting all their promises, the moment i stand beside them, they are still family. i love them all now just as i loved them all then. for a second in my life, i don't really know if i'm pretending, or if i'm genuinely happy with the notion of having my family back again.

i try to detect hints of pretense,
but then.. here i am, unsure of myself.

i know for a fact that i can't forget. to forgive? i'm not so sure either. i told mummy, "i want to be rude and impolite and irritable." i want to be all these things, to let them see.

she said, "see what?" "there is a right time and place for this, and it is not now."

i ask myself, "then when?" i know that day of confrontation will not come. she will not allow it to. she has too much pride.

in response, i said, "to see ME. the REAL me."

i can see him trying his hardest. i think that he's trying to make up for all the things he never did, with the little things. the little gestures. he's trying to make it up to me, for YOU. i know it.

but i still don't know if i have it in me to forgive them. that feeling of love and warmth is not the same anymore. it's long gone.

i don't know how i would live myself if i let them go, without a trace of guilt or remorse. i don't know how i would live with myself if i keep on pretending. i need to get it out of me.

i know that's the only way i could let it go.

i would never insult daddy.
they insulted him the moment they threw away their promises.