me

when he said,"you have everything, but you're still not happy." he was wrong.

i have nothing.

what i want, money can't buy. what i need, no one can give me.

the pain comes and goes, so do the memories. my heart aches so bad, i truly understand the meaning of pain. i curl up in a ball, praying for the weight on my chest to lessen, for the pain to go away. it goes away, but it always comes back.

it leaves no visible scar, only ones that can be felt, not seen. there is no cure for this kind of pain, only the soothing sounds of songs on repeat and crying in the dark to offer temporarily relief.

i'd give you all my everythings'. i'd gladly give up all the material possessions that surround me, if...

stupid, stupid me. i should face up to the truth. this is death. price non-negotiable. non-exchangable or refundable. he's gone. they're gone. they're never coming back.

granduncle baba used to pinch my cheeks and call me "chantek". he always offered to give me the stem cuttings of pretty flowers. he was a taxi driver with cool tattoos.

grandpa had warm crinkly hands, blue eyes and food dropping on his spectacles whenever he ate. he loved everyone and everyone loved him. forever young at heart, he learnt chinese at 60. he always found ways to smuggle chocolate to the grandchildren. he hugged me while watching scary shows :)

i remembered, the other day. this memory had managed to escape me for so long, but in time it returned. he was the only one who knew how to wake me up properly. he would sit by my bed, gently shake me awake. he didn't resort to turning off the aircon or switching on the lights. he would say,"good morning" and hug me. then he would say," i'm going off to work now."

"i love you."

i know he loved me. he always told me so. always tried to be fair to all of us. whether or not i ever stopped to appreciate these 3 words, i don't remember. but now, the absence of its presence kills me. i never knew how much i missed those 3 words until i stopped hearing them.

aunty ivy had laughter the sound of pure joy *smile* she used to listen to the sound of pipes, while everyone remained dumbfounded. she was funky and spunky, adventurous and brave. witty and sarcastic all at once :) the most courageous woman i've ever known; she fought so hard, she held on till the end.

can you bring them back? i don't think so.