uninspired me

i was feeling particularly uninspired the past few days. thus the lack of posts. sometimes i write when i'm bored and when i read the post a few days later, it's rubbish. naturally, i take it down.

since my sister practically dedicated her blog to ME, i shall return the favour.

*ahem* first of all, *indignation* i cannot believe you would misunderstand me this way. after 18 years, i would like to think that you have more faith in me *smirk*

i was probably having a cynical moment back there, about the whole ballet thing. yada yada. i tend to get a bit overdramatic.

i even irritate myself sometimes. haha.

do i believe in love? true true, everlasting love? until such time that i experience love firsthand, i can't really say. until such time that i have a proper relationship, i can't say either :) as we BOTH know, the half baked affair that i had previously is hardly what one would call a relationship. i'd like to think of it more as a part-time thing. one that i would gladly leave in the past. i promised myself not to be bitter, but i allow myself to feel stupid.

"do you believe in love at first sight?"-chad michael murray "i'll let you know."-hillary duff

i am not shallow. as i mentioned earlier, it was titled 10 easy ways to catch my EYE, not my HEART. i'm the kind of girl who spends all night writing down long lists of qualities and qualifications my dream guy should have. from family background to preferred sport he should play. from how we should meet to the kind of things he should say when i'm sad. you name it, i've covered it. the last time i compiled a COMPLETE list of those qualities, i was in sec 3. i typed it out, and even with font size 12, it went on for roughly 3 PAGES.

OBVIOUSLY i can't list down all the qualities that would attract me. it would be too many, too long. '10 easy ways to catch my eye' was about how a guy, say from across the room could grab my attention. he didn't have to talk to me or anything, just from far. AT FIRST SIGHT.

to hold onto my attention, now that's at second sight. the qualities you mentioned would come into play then. i gave up describing the perfect guy long ago, i can think about it, or even dream about it, but to really put it down in black and white would just be setting myself up for major disappointment. esp when i know that no ONE guy could have all that.

i'm not one for flings. i would think you should know that by now. watching how complicated a friend's lovelife got recently, has only reinforced my belief that love triangles are not my scene. i would never cheat on someone. and i'd expect the same in return. it's one of those unspoken rules:

#1 never like a guy your friend likes.
#2 NEVER EVER cheat on your friend with her guy. don't even THINK about it. it's practically friendship suicide.
#3 never date a friend's ex, unless with permission. you get my drift.

open relationships are not relationships, neither are they options for me. things that happened to her in the span of 3 days is comparable to watching days of our lives for a year. a whole lotta plot thickening and twisting. i guess that's why i gave it up a long time ago. by the time stephano (bad guy) DID NOT die for the third.. or was it the fourth? time. i knew i was a goner.

i would NEVER go for a guy who had a girlfriend. i would never jeopardize his relationship, as if i could even if i wanted to. but trust me, i wouldn't even TRY. trust me again on this, it's crazy and i'm SO tired of repeating it. but it's in our human nature to want something we can't have. thus, the whole 'single, acting taken' thing works on us. not in the long run, but at that moment. ONE moment. staring at some guy across the room. the thought crosses your mind. it just makes you want him even more. weird. i know. it brings you back to when you were a little girl and mummy said you couldn't buy that barbie doll because she was too expensive. you saved up every day. one day you went back and bought her. when you opened the box, you realised,"she's not that pretty after all." but when mummy said,"we can't buy her." you didn't pause for a moment, not even to think. off you went to the piggy bank.

then that moment passes. the glazed look falls from your eyes. you smile because you know you don't really like the guy. you turn around, and walk away. THE END.

sheesh. i hate having to explain myself. next time i shan't bother. as my sister, i thought you would GET ME. but hey.. like you said, you're not very perceptive, are you? *laughs* and mind you, it's libel to write about me like i'm such a shallow twit. please publish an online apology! haha. kidding. mummy and verrell went to penang for some R&R, though with the mother there, i doubt they got much of that.

p/s: deb! i can't wait till you get back. CALL ME! do you have my cell phone number?

p/p/s: i know i'm not going to be some prima donna ballerina. sarah already calls me the retired ballerina. neither am i banking my hopes on being a maksim- what with the hyperspeed piano playing. i would like to be as 'me' as i can possibly be. i'm pretty good at that :)

by the way, we are fighters. not just me, you too. all the women in our family too. it's hereditary. kinda like the sinhalese blood and monkey's eyebrows :) go figure.