Leaving London.

It's time. 

Less than 2 months till I leave London forever - I realize it's a little dramatic to use the word 'forever', unfortunately that's how it feels right now. I mean, technically I can return whenever I want, but it breaks my heart to leave this way, ie. back where I started 5 years ago. Although some would consider it a clean slate, fresh start etc.. Not me. It feels like a life sentence (I should really learn to be more optimistic).

A wise man once said, "Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?"

A valid point, but still, the permanence of it all terrifies me. I've never been good with change, and this is as big a life change as it gets. Plus I can't face the thought of moving back home after 5 years of PURE UNADULTERATED FREEDOM* (scroll down for appendix) to live under the same roof as my mother. So help me God. 

I'm having a rare moment of clarity, which is putting everything in perspective: I won't get to see my sister or friends JL, JaL, JNk, TC, MH, KB, RSc, AD, LJB, LB ever again. 

No more Zara-slash-Korean binges after work with JNk
No more guy-whispering over cocktails with TC aka The Beast
No more weekends spent vegetating on JaL's sofa
No more Byron /Diner / Breakfast Club marathons
No more picnics in the park or use of the phrase 'weather permitting'
No more nights out in East London
No more cheapy movie nights in Whitechapel / at Curzon
No more dimsum in Chinatown
No more amazing brunches all over London
No more exploring weekend markets
No more music & other festivals
No more secret / rooftop cinema
No more quick fixes courtesy of Primark

Plus I'm going to miss my WGSN and Burbs crew like crazy - even you, you know who you are. I'm so tempted right now, it's not even funny. I'm using every ounce of strength to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

"In your twenties, everything feels like the end of the world." 

So true. Couldn't have said it better myself.

I'm on the verge of having a panic attack. Like full-on hyperventilating. The last time I was in the throes of one, I ran a very real risk of a) passing out by way of sobbing too hard or b) flinging myself out the window wailing like a deranged asylum escapee. Not pretty either way.

In this moment, I'm just going to have to rely on common sense and self-restraint to reign in the dramatics and act like a sensible adult ie. freak out anyway and email my good friends relaying said freakout. Then pray that come tomorrow morning, they'll bestow Ghandi-esque words of wisdom upon me, which will cast a pretty pink tint over everything and make everything seem manageable. And less like the end of the world.

Repeat to self:
It is not the end of the world.
It is not the end of the world.
It is not the end of the world.
It is not the end of the world.
It is not the end of the world.

If I keep telling myself that, it's bound to sink in sooner or later (the only downside is that people might start keeping their distance from that crazy girl who talks to herself). Perhaps the key is to say it, and mean it, until I genuinely believe it.

Tell you what, I'll keep working at it for the time being. I'll let you know when I get there.

p/s: It might take awhile...

*Appendix

PURE UNADULTERATED FREEDOM =

1. eating copious amounts of inappropriate food (eg. peanut butter, ikan bilis, cuttlefish) at all times of the day/night
2. waking up and going to bed whenever you please
3. spending all weekend in bed (in pjs, naked or otherwise)
4. staying out late and coming home in the wee hours of the morning
5. having sex as frequently and/or loudly (terms and conditions apply) as you want, with whomever you want
6. using the dishwasher or washing machine in the middle of the night
7. entertaining guests / throwing dinner-slash-impromptu parties without prior notice
8. running late without being made to feel like you've committed a crime

...... to be continued

To sum it up: the freedom to do whatever the hell you want. 

I'm not ready, prepared and/or willing to give that up just yet. 

So. Help. Me God.