what's wrong with me?

currently listening to: joni mitchell

do you ever lie in bed at night, unable to sleep? tossing and turning, fidgeting continually, scratching your arms and legs now and then.. anything but sleep? you tell yourself to just close your eyes, clear your mind, focus on breathing, inhale, exhale.. but the harder you try, the more impossible it seems to get. instead the thoughts keep rolling in tumbles, a constant flow of words sentences phrases that don't make sense, disjointed, incoherent. images, a shuffled slideshow that overlap in time and place. songs, pounding through your head, just as your heavy lids are about to fall, florence and her bloody machine starts to sing again. damn.

that's me. that's been me for the past few days, weeks, months - i don't even know anymore. lethargic. i feel tired all the time; i tried to remedy it by sleeping more, but the more i sleep, the more exhausted i get. i can't fix this innate weariness, where is it coming from? sure, i'm burned out from the 6 months in amsterdam, the 6 months of not sleeping more than 3-4 hours every single night and crying my brains out, but are these the consequences? what is my body telling me? that i can't do this anymore? i'm 22!

i find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, heck, afternoon. the snooze button on my alarm was pressed at least 5 times this morning alone. i could probably snooze till the cows come home, and still be in bed by the time my bf gets off work. what is WRONG with me?

uninspired, unmotived. ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME.

1:12am last night, i crept out of bed, sneakily turned on my laptop. i told myself i had to get these thoughts, these words out of me, before i spontaneously combusted. i had to get it down in black and white, a textual detox? instead i got distracted, and watched one of my fav films 'practical magic' on youtube - at least i went to bed with a smile on my face. i absolutely adore that scene with nicole kidman driving on a highway, singing along to joni mitchell's 'a case of you'. perfection. btw her hair is simply divine. when i return home in dec, i must bring some photos to the hairdresser's for a comparison. i need a trim, badly. my hair is practically down to my ass. i bet that's what happened when rapunzel got locked up in that tower, she probably got terrible split ends.

sidetracking, i wish i could be a witch. like sandra bullock/nicole kidman in practical magic. who needs dissertations and groupwork when i could grow fruits and veggies in my garden to create organic shampoos and soaps and lotions, to sell in my own shop? with hair THAT perfect, i wouldn't mind. *wishful thinking*

my mother would probably skin me alive and turn me into a handbag, if i were to quit school and go home now. OR become an organic farmer. OR get married and become a housewife. ahh.. the possibilities are endless.

speaking of my mother, guess who called and woke me up from my slumber? yes indeed. mother dear. jolted me from my sleep to commence a lecture on my depressive state, my inactivity. my general loser-ness (my words, not hers). she was compassionate though, said she understood, she'd been through it before. with daddy. told me to get out of bed, to DO something. go swimming, go to the gym. get started. getting started is always the hardest part. bake. baking is therapeutic. to go on a short vacation somewhere, anywhere, alone.

you know what. maybe that's what i need to do. for real. maybe i should book a holiday somewhere, alone. bring my laptop with me. sip margaritas by the beach. and write.

what say you?

maybe virgi is right. i'm tired of waiting for someone to go on a holiday with me. when will the time ever be right? i should just pack up and go by myself. stupid boyfriend!

note: jacky is also right. i need to find a way to remind myself that i am lucky, i am fortunate. there are people out there as we speak, with no families, no shelter over their heads, no clothes to wear, no food to eat. they don't have the opportunities that i've been given, to have an education, a better future.

remind myself that the world does not revolve around me. period.