it's not enough.

i'm lonely. the loneliest i've been in my life.

sometimes, in moments like this, i wonder if coming to this country, by myself, was the biggest mistake i've ever made.

sitting in my flat eating cny goodies (away from home on chinese new year for the first time, no reunion dinner for the next 3 years at least), overly emotional and hormonal, i feel totally and completely alone.

for the first time in weeks, i'm crying again.

today was a good day; did our mini shop report presentation, met up with the greek girls for lunch, (gosh so much has changed, where have i been the past few weeks?) went back to my flat then to uni for a tutorial, got the accommodation listing from sue c., looked for michelle j. for mandi's essay, went home again (i even paid naz and angie a visit in the flat, to pick up some stuff)... i was fine. now i'm not.

there's something inside me dying to get out, but i'm afraid that if i let go, i might never stop crying. so for now, the tears have ceased, yet somehow holding it in hurts even more than letting it out.

my heart hurts.. i'm looking at our photo (one of the few with us three), taken in front of trevi fountain in rome, in that very moment my heart was still, i sensed impending doom - the sensation of time slipping through your fingers and it's all you can do to watch helplessly - i knew that eventually you would both leave me. i recall thinking, this could be the last time the three of us are together. *small smile*

now all i'm left with are memories, but it's not enough.