i'd like to become my own person now.

i can't quite fathom why it's taken me so long to say all these things i've been wanting to say. so here goes, i'm just gonna spit it out.

i went on a whirlwind trip around europe in 14 days and deep down in the pit of me, i feel like i emerged a changed woman. something inside of me was stirred. maybe it was there all along, it just needed to be awaken/awoken.

has my subconscious embarked on some personal journey that i am (as yet) unaware of?

i have to say, that even before i returned, i had a premonition... that things would change. it's gonna be different from now on, i thought. and it is.

there are so many things i want to say, to think aloud and spell out and put into words, so many stories to tell. yet at this present moment, all i have is this disturbing sense of 'losing time', like it's literally chasing after me and no matter how fast i run, all i can do is wait for it to catch up inevitably.

being in london, i felt like i could do anything... standing right smack in the middle of waterloo/victoria station (forgive me, my memory fails), watching the throngs of people pass me by, it was a thoroughly liberating feeling; knowing that no one knows you and no one really cares. in that one split second in which realisation hit, i was free. in singapore, the next random stranger on the street is only a friendster connection or two away. that's how small this place is.

definition of small: the people, ideas, beliefs, preconceived notions about everything and everyone. judegemental is our middle name. why can't i wear what i want, where and when i want to? why do i feel the constant pressure to explain myself?

for all the things i've been saying and am about to say, let me make this clear: i'm not proclaiming london is any better than singapore, to each its quirks and eccentricities. they're just... different.

i've been so inspired by all the things i've seen and the people i've met, hence i've decided to do whatever it takes to experience more; more being the newness in not knowing exactly what's going to happen all the time. living life outside the routine. being spurofthemoment-ish. doing things i wouldn't normally do - about sums it up.

one night in vienna, as uncle brian mum and myself were walking down the narrow street back to our hotel, we took notice of 3 grown up guys flying their little homemade contraption in the middle of the small street right across from our accomodation. their 'homebase' was the hip and happening pub directly opposite the hotel entrance. i was so amused by the fact that these were grown men, adultsinfact! eager and might i add mighty persistent in their attempts to fly that darned thing high up into the air. for a long while, i just stood and observed silently. it was.. i can't find the exact word to put across the feeling of just being there.

this is an excerpt from my travel journal:

here i am, sitting with my feet up on the window sill of my 2nd storey suite (glow in the dark pyjamas included). looking out of the window, i see 3 grown men (maybe more) competing against each other with their toy planes in the middle of the street. the planes are flying almost as high as my window [i bet if i reached out, i could grab one] crazily crashing/bumping into random objects (as if almost at will, or against the will of the person remote-controlling it) -buildings, cars, tables, people etc. but it's fun to sit here and watch anyway.

note: when we first saw a mysterious object floating about in the open space high above us , we all wondered what it was. and to think that i actually and initially insisted that it was a bat. upon finding out the truth behind the unidentified flying object, i then uttered the famous line "it's bird, no it's a plane! it's superman!" heh.

this is what i mean...
random strangers who've travelled far and wide, and have an appreciation for asian culture. war veterans who know of our little island from having had been there (here) 60 odd years ago (when singapore was part of the british colony). the beautiful lady, maria selling treasures - from brick lane/at camden market - the same one who presented me with a necklace as a gift. the kind stranger who offered to walk me to park; jenny from jamaica - she said "if i had a daughter, she'd be around your age." the boys playing footie in regent park; the deliriously happy highfiver. how could i possibly resist? his enthusiam was infectious!

i just yearn for more out of life.

i'm tired of living in someone else's shadow,
i'd like to become my own person now.