today, i thought of you.

listening to my favourite sad song by ryan adams and sitting quietly, waiting for 70. that was it. that and the sudden barrage of hormones from that time of the month was all it took for me to tear up rapidly; taking even myself by surprise.

i don't know how i came to be this way; fiercely private and somewhat repressed. in the past i was the one to open up to the whole wide world, inviting strangers in, even delighting in being teased about my curlychineseboys.

i don't do that anymore.

the little voice in my head resounded: don't do this here and now. i lowered my head and averted my eyes, the approaching darkness making it a whole lot easier.

you know what it's like. the pain comes and goes in waves. like a wave. it gently creeps up the slope of the sand on a beach, curling over your toes before it subsides just as easily as it rose, docile and somewhat calmed as it retreats back into the undulating water. some are stronger than others, enveloping your entire foot, submerging it in water, causing you to draw back in alarm. that's what pain is like sometimes; you reign it back in the way you would with a wild horse you're trying to tame.

I try to make the pieces fit, to slot in all the little facts, quirks and memories of you, to make my memory whole. it's all so familiar; when i close my eyes, i see you. but when i open them again, it's like like picking up or playing a piano piece after having left it to collect dust in a corner. your ears recognise the tune and your fingers play the notes even before your brain registers the fact that you know it, that you've been there before. that's how i remember you.

'I will not cry. To cry is to heal. I cannot heal. I need the pain to remind me of what I've lost. To keep him fresh in my mind." - Postcards from wit's end.

But i want to heal, so let me cry.

i went to my special place. sat on the swing and cried for a good 15 minutes.
then i walked home. i felt less repressed. no one knew any better. though i had to lie about putting my phone in silent mode and ignoring all their calls.

i know i'm gonna be okay. someday.