i'm selfish and self-absorbed. i care about nothing and no one, only myself. that's the brutal harsh truth, the way truth often is. i get so wrapped up in myself, that i tend to forget the universe doesn't revolve around me.

maybe i don't deserve to be with anyone, to be loved by anyone. i'm too selfish to love another because i'm this pathetic eighteen year old with the mentality of a twelve year old, who misses her daddy and needs someone to heal her wounds and fill her heart with love at the same time. whilst i grapple with my own personal demons, the ones that simply refuse to go away, i'm constantly trying to reciprocate that love. i may seem detached, it may seem as if i don't care... but that's not how it is.

i'm not sure if i'm capable of loving another, when i'm so hollow and empty inside. i don't think i know HOW to love another. growing up in my family, it was practically taboo to show signs of emotion. whenever i cried, he said that no one had died, that it was bad luck to cry. funny, it seemed to make me cry even more.

i'm spoilt goods. nobody wants spoilt goods. you'll only end up spending more money fixing them. why give yourself the extra hassle?

i need to be taken care of, to be loved and looked after, like the silly child that i am. you know how people often make references to nursing a bird with a broken wing? i'm THAT bird. i need a place to rest and heal, though i'm almost positive no amount of rest will erase the memory of losing him. i'm not confident of healing from that incident. it's a lifelong commitment, my commitment to the memory of you. it hurts, it's pain in its rawest form. one thing's for sure, i'd rather go through that searingly overwhelming pain each time i revisit all our memories than to lock you in a box and forget all about you.

last night, i cried myself to sleep.
and i don't know why.

was it the song? partially. that was the trigger that set it all off. but for the better part of it, i have absolutely no idea. maybe i'm still that lost fifteen year old, stuck in limbo. caught between a place of hope and despair. yearning so desperately for the one thing she can't have, and weighed down by the very knowledge that despite it all, she has to go on with life, when all she wants... is a moment to grieve. for her loss. for their loss.

taking a line out of the song,
"let's not discuss all these things we can't undo."

i don't quite know how to end this entry. perhaps there IS no end. perhaps there's no better way to end it than to leave it unended