i don't want nothing.

today was the first sleep-in sunday i've had in a long time. so long that i can barely recall the last time. they turned off the aircon &whatnot but still, i slept on.

i lay in bed, awake, listening to the horrid sounds of 70s discopop blasting from verrell's computer outside, the chorus ran over and over again. i can't even remember what it was. sounded like duran duran or petshopboys.

you get my drift *the look*

i lay in bed, unwilling to get up or get out- even though i knew i couldn't fall back to sleep.

i grabbed MuVo Slim off the table (which involved some getting up motions) but that was quickly remedied by falling back into bed. earphones on? check! (the padding's so thick they keep falling out my ears) music on? check!- that's how i got my groove back.

lying in bed, legs perched atop a mountain that was my comforter+blanket- i listened. and i mean, REALLY LISTENED to the songs. i scrutinised each and every word, visualised playing the piano keys in my head, dug deep beneath the lyrics and into its meaning.

still, nothing. i have no clue at all.

aren't songs derived from paindepressionsufferingangst&allthat? that's what john mayer said. so why can't i decipher a single piece of solid advice from this everest of jagged little pills?

i love my taste in music. the word eclectic is so overused- like i care. i'm still going to use it. i think my musical taste is eclectic, quirky and fun. i like everything and everything likes me.

[except maybe that song my brother was playing this morning.]

something's come over me.

i can't describe it. i don't know how to. i don't know where to start and how to end. it's too early for the 'deliberation' stage- only mel will know what i'm talking about.

last night, someone reminded me of something i've been saying all along. i think i've mantra-ed it so many times in my blog that my friends have memorised the words by heart.

"i want what i can't have. but when i get what i want, i don't want it anymore."

in that case, how in the world am i ever gonna get what i want?

my mother always says, "you can't have your cake and eat it." usually i don't bother word-sparring with her when it comes to english idioms. but this one time, she said that and i thought to myself: what the hell is that supposed to mean?

i said "if i can't eat it, why in the world would i buy it in the first place?"

i'm done waiting.
for everything.
for everyone.
for anyone.
for someone.
my first everything.
my last everything.
i don't want everything.
i don't want anything.
i don't want something.
i don't want nothing.

but how will i know? that's just it. i won't.

fool me once, shame on you.
fool me twice, shame on me.

if this doesn't make any sense, good.
it wasn't supposed to.

i wish i was back in primary school when hyy was the 'love of my life' and apricot was mr i'm-so-cool-i-use-water-instead-of-hairgel. now, i'm starting to wonder if things were really all that simple... throwing pingpong balls at a girl meant you liked her? beating up boys meant you liked them? err. i don't think so.

maybe i should just go watch powerpuff girls, gain some wisdom from their broccoli-chomping ways. since mummy cancelled cartoon network, nickelodeon and the disney channel, i shall go down to a kid's toy department and watch cartoons with them, pondering this mess i call my lovelife.