three things i want.

firstly, i wish i could SUE the government: for making the chinese new year holidays pathetically brief. i can't believe it. verrell has to go back to school first thing tomorrow morning. 6am sharp. how sad :( i miss him already. we were supposed to play 'midtown madness' on his XBOX this afternoon but i got caught up in something and before i knew it.. he had to go rest his eyes- mummy's orders.

thinking back, i miss those days when we would just play. i seem to have forgotten how to PLAY. yes, P-L-A-Y. a concept unknown to those above the age of 12. how to run around doing nothing. how to play 'mermaid mermaid' when we're swimming or 'SHARK!', by crossing our feet to substitute having a mermaid's tail and pressing our hands together above our head to substitute a shark's fin all the time humming the 'de ne ne ne ne ne' JAWS song.

these days, no matter where i go or which family function i attend, i'm more often than not the eldest grandchild there. my sister's not around. mr K and mr S are not around, and even if they were in town, they'd most probably be out charming the ladies. i feel so out of place. i don't like to think of myself as a grown-up. i detest sitting at the grown-ups' table, making small talk. i'd much rather sit at the children's table, away from all the hypocrisy.

i really miss playing with verrell. hiding under the bed scaring him. laughing our brains out at jay leno's digs at bush. watching 'who's line is it anyway?" when we were younger, we would play all sorts of games. that was back when i still had imagination. i think school stifled my creativity, instead of nurturing it. i was told to follow rules, to do this and not do that. to do my homework and not watch tv. so many rules, at such a tender age. and to think that was just primary school.

[i remember one time.. i think it was a saturday or sunday morning. virginia had gotten too old to play with us. we decided to take on the roles of a mother and son that had been separated at war. to make things more real, verrell was supposed to go to virginia's blue room and i would remain in my room. and at one point- i don't know why- it just got too real that we both started crying from being apart. it was terrible. that was my first taste of being away from my siblings. and i never ever wish it to happen again. it would BREAK ME to be apart from them. i don't know how i would go on with life. i really wouldn't know how to live or what to do.]

i loved secondary school. I LOVED IT. i suppose it was... everything. the copying of homework. the falling asleep in chemistry class. racing to the canteen to beat the crowd at the nasi lemak stall, people cheering me on. the armpit hair embedded in my chicken wing. the braces and glasses. the annoying PE teachers who tucked in your shirt for you. the clever nicknames. the bitches. the geeks. the teachers. mr chan with his unzipped fly and marker ink on his face. throwing around a sanitary napkin in class. changing behind the OHP screen thing. my 10 water bottle++ collection under my table. the hiding of handphones in my messy dented locker. the discovery of missing socks and shoes in my locker at the end of the year. digging out crumpled worksheets from my locker to file for each subject. carrying out bagfuls of books at the end of term. the uniforms even. singing at mass. saying prayers after recess. miss jo teo. lit class! my teacher janet lim drooling over jude law. julius caesar and to kill a mockingbird. getting caught up in the racial prejudice of TKMB and declaring that i despised all chinese when i myself, am chinese. falling asleep with my nose on the book. 'i'm a slaaaaaaave for you' coordinated with wavy hand actions. 'if i am here just to warm your bed then i am naught but a whore' i think- brutus's wife said. silly prefects and their silly rules. when the bell rang, the class would empty out- we'd always be in the toilet.

*smile* the highlights of my secondary school life.

most of all, my friends. the friends that i made in CHIJ have and will be the best friends of my life. i can't say that i will never meet people as great as them in my lifetime, but it's close.

secondly, to simplify things and not get my family involved. i think i shall uphold a NO-FAMILY CLAUSE on my blog. to NOT put out any pictures of them- my immediate family. i think it's better that way. even though i'm pretty open about most things, i am fiercely protective of those dearest to me.

i know we fight alot. we squabble. mummy points out that i'm very straight forward. i always say what i mean, even if it gets me into trouble- trust me, it usually does. but i love my family with all my heart. going through chinese new year without grandpa, aunty ivy.. mostly daddy- is the most trying part of it all. maybe we never spent much time together when they were alive. maybe i wasn't a good granddaughter, niece, grandniece, daughter. it may be too late, but i hope it helps to know that i love/loved them with all my heart and soul. so many times i promised god to be a good girl if he would reverse this bad dream and give them back. so many times i cried because of my guilt. so many times i begged him to let me be the sick one and let them live.

none came true. but i still believe, that God has a reason for all that he does. sometimes it may be a little harder to find, sometimes you may think that there is none to be found- but it's there. like the sun always rises from the east, it's there.

my heart breaks when i think of you. the tears threaten to fall, as they always do. but i told myself, that no matter what- i will be strong. all the 'i love you's in the world won't bring you back. i don't know where you are right now. i don't know if you can see me. i don't know if you still watch me sleep. i don't know if you are proud of me. i don't know if you like the person i've become. i sure don't. i'm cynical and mean. i'm a horrible terrible daughter. i'm so evil.

there are days, harder than most.. when i find it truly difficult to get up, get dressed and pretend to be the happiest girl in the world. in reality, it's painful just to put a simple smile on my face. all because, one day i woke up from a dream to find my whole world gone. to find my family in pieces, pain splattered everywhere. to find the ones i held dearest, vanished without a trace.

this feeling that i'm feeling.. pain, you call it? we talk of you as if you're still here, in our midst. making the same dirty jokes. i hated the quizzes you held in the car ride on the way home, it always made me feel stupid. i hated the way you said, "simple, but good." every sunday night you cooked at home. i hated the way you made me feel guilty for watching tv when i should've been upstairs doing homework. i hated the way the simple sound of your engine in the driveway and the key turning in the lock made me turn off the tv and run upstairs. i hated the way you would get angry and scold me for the stupidest things.

i hated so many things about you. but i just want you back. home felt safe with you in it.

i think i finally get it. until such time that i can fill up the void you left behind, i won't be able to find it in my heart to love them, love me or anyone else.

there are nights i cry myself to sleep. this time, instead of crying because i was scolded, i cry, just because. i go to every corner of my room, pick out the things that you bought me. i sit on the floor and surround myself with all these things. i scrutinise each and every one of those things, and i force myself to remember how it's related to you. then i cry and cry. and i find that there's no one around to console me. there's no one to hold me. there's no hug to comfort me. no kind words. no nothing. there's emptiness and darkness. that's all i've got.

everyone is asleep and i'm locked in my room, crying. mummy doesn't know. i know she has this inclination to think that i don't care. sometimes the way i handle situations and the things i say make me think i don't care either. but i do. oh i do.

i'd like to think i'm very strong. that beneath it all, i'm capable of carrying the weight of the world upon my shoulders. but i'm not all i seem. in fact, i'm nothing like i seem. i carry none of the strength you seem to think i possess. in contrary, i'm weak. i'm vulnerable. i'm soft. softer than i would like to be. i cry at everything. i cry when i see others in pain. i cry when i feel pain.

but oh.. this is life. and life sure can be a bitch.

thirdly, it seems i've gone on about 'secondly' forever. i would like to be loved. very much so. despite all the bravado i fake, all girls want the same thing- to love and be loved in return. i really don't care about pride and all that jazz.

when it comes to love, there is no pride.
or at least, there shouldn't be.

it's hard. i don't remember the exact date and time and month and year i started caring about boyfriends and the fact that everyone had one except me and my oh-so-fabulous girlfriends. hah. emphasis on OHSOFREAKINFABULOUSGIRLFRIENDS. *takes a bow* it's hard. to hear love songs on the radio all the while thinking,"i know how that feels.." OR "i wish i knew how that felt." either.

valentine's day is coming up. my amazing classmates and i have come up with the brilliant plan to celebrate it together- singleton style. when did being single become a taboo? being SINGLE and YOUNG and BEAUTIFUL and SMART is a good good thing and we should cherish it! haha.. i sound like the anti-government, against them and their campaigning and propaganda-ing for more babies. *smirk*

actually, i know EXACTLY who i want for valentine's day. i shall keep praying for him to ask me out. i know it won't happen. but who knows. honestly, it's more than impossible. just trying not to be such a downer on a supposed joyous occasion. WHOOPEE FOR ME.