my black and white life

of late, i find my life slowly but surely descending into contamination. by thoughts of love and the lack of it, burnout from the heaps of work piled atop my almost breaking back, competitiveness, jealousy, the neverending feelings of inferiority.. the incomprehensible dissatisfaction with life or something like it.

what happened to the so-called puritan lifestyle i once posessed? i never gave it a second thought then, but saw it more as a natural way of life. the only way of life.

and so it goes.. the purity, innocence, gullibility and naivety dissolving; the way clouds fade sway float and melt, in-between sunrise and sunset.

what is a life well-lived?
(original question by miss jobina tan sirong)

"Do whatever you want to do", mummy said.

in that case, my life is one of extreme unfulfillment.

in my head, a voice rings not so loudly and not too clearly. it says,"all you need is a moment. ONE moment of greatness. YOUR moment of greatness."

when will my moment arrive? the moment that can and will change my life. i'm waiting with bated breath; the same way i've been waiting for fate to lend me a helping hand.

obviously heaven and earth are in the midst of a huge communication breakdown.

my life is nothing more than a black and white film. stark in contrast. no twelve shades of grey. no colour. no sound. no life.

i'm barely going through the motions. the resemblance is strikingly in-my-face.

imagine this: a black and white film rolling. its consistency never questioned. it moves along at a constant speed. no faster. no slower. one scene flickers onto the next, each as dull and monotonous as the one before.

can this be life?

surely there is MORE. there HAS to be.

i don't know why i'm asking all these questions,
questioning my reason of existence.

i wish i could pay the earth back.
i wish i could bless the earth with my heart & soul.
i wish i could bless someone with my heart & soul.
i wish i could be someone special.
i wish i had a special gift.
i wish i could prove to Him that i wasn't a mistake.

this may not make any sense. but then again, what does?