backseat

i have a problem.

it's truly mystifying. remember when i asked to lose my balance and never to regain footing? well.. i'm starting to think i'm not too good at this balancing act.

why is it that i think of you ALL THE TIME when you're nowhere to be found? emphasis on ALL THE TIME. nowhere in sight. sound. only in mind. everywhere i go, my mind's on overdrive. i think of all the times i spotted you around, the small stupid incidents like; while i was waiting for my mum to pick me up at the taxi stand and you blocked your face with your arm.

serendipity
n [fr. its possession by the heroes of the Persian fairy tale The Three Princes of Serendip] 1754: the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for.

then when i actually DO see you- which hasn't happened in forever- and the opportunity to be around you comes up, i completely screw things up. why? if i think of you constantly when you're away, how come it feels so different when you're around?

you know what? forget it.

i was so stressed up...awhile back. i realised that for some unnerving reason, even though submissions are looming everywhere, i've taken the backseat approach. stressing out is NOT the way to go, you get tired, pimplified & haggard-- which i already am. no point in killing myself before i turn 19. with regards to SIP, i'm going to do the best that i can. that's it. that's all i really can do.

with regards to you,
this is where i make my exit.

if i mean ANYTHING to you, DO SOMETHING.
if i don't, stop playing with me.

nobody knows how ridiculous this sounds, given the current context.