it's a big girl world.

2012-03-05T00:00:00.002Z

finally, i have the apartment to myself. for a week at least, until my sister returns and all chaos ensues. i kid i kid...

i'm relishing the freedom to do whatever i please, this feeling's long overdue; light some candles, blast music on the sound system, leave all the doors open and lights on, run around in my underwear (or nothing at all)...

had a sudden bout of OCD, which resulted in a cleaning spree (yes, again):

magic-wiped the bathroom, hallway and living/dining/kitchen area - it's amazing how quickly dust accumulates, i just magic-wiped the flat yesterday! - emptied out the vacuum cleaner dustbag and cleaned the filter, vacuumed the bathroom and my bedroom [carpet], cleaned my mirror, dressing table and laid out my new table runner, changed the sheets - washed and hung them out to dry - in anticipation of my sister's return (they actually belong to her), cleaned the bathroom from top to toe; scrubbed the bathtub, glass divider, toilet bowl, sink and all other surfaces, replaced all the drying cloths and floor rugs around the flat with new ones, rearranged the linen baskets... and i think that might be it.

oh, had a quick bite and a lovely shower after all that manic cleaning. now i think i might pop on a film, light some candles + use my green tea facial mask tonight. ahhh.. it's amazing how good i feel right in this moment; like i've purged the flat of all the crap that has been going on lately.

i can finally breathe again... wish this feeling could last forever

2012-03-02T19:38:00.005Z

how do you tell yourself not to want something you really want?
when you find out, please tell me.

2012-02-08T00:56:00.003Z

YOU ARE A BIG FAT LIAR.

i just want to live alone *edit

2011-12-03T15:30:00.011Z

i know i should stop complaining about past/present psycho/dull housemates; it really isn't important enough to get stressed and let it rule my life. or keep me up at night. especially since this isn't my flat and this isn't a permanent situation. well, i REFUSE to let this become a permanent situation.

it's annoying however, because on one hand she tells me to be more zen 'it's not worth getting stressed about it' then on the other hand, she's stressing me up about it herself. at the end of the day, i know that i'm going to have to deal with the fallout when the shit hits the fan. who else is there to do it?

turning 25 next week, i think i've just come to that point in my life when i either want to move in with JL or go it alone. i'm done living with strangers, especially those that turn out to be either a) batshitcrazy or b) when you say 'i'm mellow and chilled out' you really mean 'i'm boring and have no life and never leave my room, oh right, and i also have no friends'

harsh, but i think i'm beginning to feel this way because the 3 month period has just passed and i'm finally seeing things(you) for what they truly are. truth be told, i don't care if that you're boring, have no friends, job and life (ouch!). it's not your fault that we have nothing in common and we can't hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes without my eyes glazing over. it's also not your fault that your 'sense of humour' and 'jokes' get lost in translation, so you just end up sounding rude/offensive instead of charming/funny.

and the fact that i triple check the locks on my bedroom and bathroom door? um, yeah. nothing to do with you whatsoever!

on the other hand, i used to appreciate (perhaps i still do) the fact that you gave me a wide berth (by staying in your room) the majority of the time, and that i didn't feel the need to be extra nice or make conversation because i'm equally capable of and prone to spending all day in bed on a weekend.

the thing about you that irks me somewhat, is your NEVER lift a finger to do more than necessary or go out of your way around the house, you've not once checked the mailbox or brought up the mail (fair enough, seeing as you haven't received a single letter). you haven't cleaned the apartment more than once since moving in 3 + months ago (and even then i didn't see you do it). taking out the trash is a stretch for you, and even if/when you do, you never line the bin with a new bin bag. you never put the clothes rack back into the cupboard after using it, even after i've specifically requested that of you. you don't even put plates/cups/utensils back in the cupboard after they've dried!

i don't understand! it's plain common sense! it's not like i expect you to clean constantly. i always wash/wipe up after myself in the kitchen/dining area but that's because it's the quickest and easiest place to get dirty what with all that cooking and eating going on.

as for the apartment, i only clean it when it starts to feel dirty... so maybe every 2-3 weeks i do a thorough clean of the living/dining/kitchen areas, wipe down the stove and window frames, vacuum the entire flat, bleach the toilets, wash the sheets/towels etc.

use something, put it back. open door, close door. floor dirty, clean floor. eat food, wipe table/wash dishes. put a full load of laundry in the washing machine = save water.

how can these things not occur to some people?!? i mean, what have they been doing all their lives?

when you 'joked' that cooking/cleaning/laundry is a woman's work, i was speechless. i was torn between telling you to eff off or laughing your face at the ludicrousness of your statement.

p/s: that's probably why you're still single.

but anyway, enough of this. i shouldn't feel as bothered as i am. i'm actually quite okay with cleaning the flat myself, especially since i don't trust anyone else to do it right.

besides, my focus should be on finding a permanent job, and getting myself out of this situation.

*yes, i am intent on getting out of the current situation, but i revise my previous statements about the tenant/housemate, mostly out of guilt and maybe, just maybe i feel like i might have jumped the gun a bit, and should learn not to be so judgmental and give people a chance from time to time. yourself included.

**and really, i shouldn't care this much about a complete stranger. who will eventually move out of the apartment in a few months time and i will never have to see or speak to again.

I think I love you

2011-11-27T22:14:00.001Z

I was trying so hard to remember this song, and when I finally found it on Youtube, I couldn't stop laughing.

Flashback to the 90s, anyone? (okay, it's more like 2002, but still..)

2011-11-12T17:55:00.002Z

i've been sitting on the same spot for 8 hours now, it's no wonder my back hurts, my bum hurts, my neck hurts - everything hurts. can't believe this is how i spent my saturday :(

On My Playlist: The Clash - Rock The Casbah

2011-11-12T12:19:00.002Z

Ridiculously start today; this must be the first Saturday in weeks, scratch that, months, that I can actually recall being a) awake b) active and c) semi-functioning before noon - with the aid of copious amounts of caffeine and greasy food (of course).

Up at 8.30am after a fitful night's sleep, got ready and left the house at 9.10am. By 10am we were at Jam. A cup of mocha and a bacon-egg sandwich later, and I'm seated on the leather chesterfield, shortlisting jobs to apply for. Yay me!

It also helps that I've got The Clash on replay, both the original and remix version of this:

Enjoy!

xx

2011-10-10T20:28:00.000+01:00

I'll wait till I have something important to say.

family

2011-02-02T01:01:00.000Z

Entered the apartment - took off my coat/jumper/socks/boots, turned on the laptop, checked facebook and hotmail, made instant tomyam noodles for dinner (+ leftovers), ate while fb-chatting with friends, showered, changed into pjs, applied eye cream/serum/face, body, hand moisturiser/lip balm, prepared a sandwich and fruit for tomorrow's lunchbox then sat back down on the sofa...

... and let the tears stream down my face.

For the first time in 2 weeks, I am alone again. It's the same with all families isn't it? When they were here, the flat was messy, noisy, overcrowded (and the fridge was bursting forth with food) - like a higher class refugee camp. Now that they're gone, it's clean, organized but empty and my voice seems to echo around the flat. Suddenly I desperately want to call my mother for a chat. And I've even asked my sister to sleep with me tonight - how manja am I? I feel all of 12 years old. Imagine this, I got emotional eating the spaghetti my brother made/packed for my lunch today, and was constantly on the verge of tears at the office, from the mere thought of returning to an empty flat - again.

I miss them already :(

I guess this is my lesson learnt, one word - family.

twenty-eleven

2011-02-02T00:28:00.004Z

I'm liking 2011 so far; it smells of change - and good change at that! Kicked off the new year with a unexpectedly fabulous/fabulously unexpected new year's eve party that was, if anything, an indication of the fantastic year that lies head. And I quote myself (via facebook updates, starting with my most recent escapades)...

from berlin:

"after a long night of BAR-HOPPING, we find ourselves at a dance party in an abandoned warehouse at 8am on a sunday morning, oh yeah.. and my cheek is somehow smeared with gold glitter. you gotta ♥ berlin! the city that never sleeps... "

"Berlin is the kind of city that makes you want to have SEX on the streets or pressed up in the corner of a crowded bar. "

"Dining in SOLAR, a sky lounge/restaurant with a panoramic view of berlin. "

ljubljana:

"Dining on Champagne Risotto with Scallops in a castle overlooking LAKE BLED. "

london:

"Evidence that you had a good night is when you get flashbacks of toasting strangers on rooftops, dancing on chairs, screaming LIKE A G6! like your life depended on it and not remembering how you ended up in bed or why there are boys wrapped up in blankets sleeping on your living room floor... And FINALLY feeling sober two days later. "

on easyjet
"Just lost my V-plate on Easyjet. HAPPY NEW YEAR! "

And lastly, ONE resolution to sum up this year:

"BE FEARLESS"

2010: dubai, milan, hongkong/macau, london/singapore, bologna (italy), ~~missed out on madrid~~, ljubljana (slovenia), nassjo (sweden).

2011: first stop, berlin....... and then who knows where else the wind will take me?

*sniffs the air* I have a good feeling about 2011.....

2010-12-23T02:18:00.005Z

I lost my boyfriend, my dog and my grandma in one year.
And now I can't seem to stop crying.

forgiveness

2010-11-28T05:10:00.007Z

looking at old photographs; achingly bittersweet. memories i've almost forgotten making. filled with the strangest sensation; like looking at another me, in another life. i recognize my own face, but feel nothing. empty inside. in this very instant, it feels like my seemingly endless reserve(s) of love have suddenly run dry. as if nothing in the world could ever make me feel whole again - just in this instant.

wondering how one can be so certain about the future in a moment, how one can make plans, have hopes and dreams... and how easily a heart can change at any given time. when that happens, there's not a damn thing you can do about it. no amount of tears or money in the world can turn back time; back to day ~~one~~ zero, start all over again, "hello stranger."

they say, when the heart knows, it knows. i guess you could say, i knew when to take my leave. i just never knew i knew, if that makes any sense at all.

i'm not sad or nostalgic. i'm not anything, really. if i had a choice, i'd do it all over again. if i could live my life one more time, i would live it exactly as i had lived it before,

but better.

"SHE LIVED WITH GRACE AND DIGNITY"

if i had my way, i would have that engraved on my tombstone

..... but i'm not certain i can say that about myself anymore. in the eyes of some, i've fallen from grace and there seems to be nothing i can do to regain a shred of dignity. what's worse is... i used to see myself as a paragon of virtue (ha ha, as if!) at the very least - a good, honest person. the kind of person who would never knowingly hurt another. and yet, in doing what was instinctive (and necessary) for the sake of my sanity/survival at the time, i hurt the ones who loved me most.

i've never been on THEOTHERSIDE before; i don't like it over here.

the past half a year has been a continuous uphill battle, my heart has grown weary. i don't want to fight anymore. i don't have the emotional capacity to survive another war of words.

in your eyes, i have sinned; and for some reason unfathomable to all but you, the betrayal burns deeper than any other. you might as well burn me at the stake and be done with it, because short of a miracle i don't see you letting go of this anytime soon - say within the next 10 years?

however, the ultimate question is: can i ever forgive myself? how does one even begin to seek/attain forgiveness from oneself?

for·giveness (fər giv′nis)

noun

a forgiving or being forgiven; pardon
inclination to forgive or pardon

2010-10-27T04:30:00.004+01:00

i hate waiting by the phone, for a call that never comes.
worst. feeling. ever.

so driven was i, by equal parts frustration and desperation that i picked up the phone and called my best friend 7 hours and 6740.23 miles/10847.05 kilometers away, for a quick consultation (serious decoding required!).

the funny thing is - eye-rolling-dry-laughter-type-funny - i've said that particular line so many times before in my life that even he and i can sense the irony and laugh about it.

oh jacky, what would i do without you?

karma.

2010-10-23T05:55:00.002+01:00

when i'm angry, i say angry things.

better yet, it's my GOD GIVEN RIGHT to say these angry things
because i am angry and hurt and upset
(more hurt and upset than angry, just for the record.)

breathe in... breathe out...

remember, karma comes around
so take deep breaths and just let it go.
is it worth getting into an argument about? yes. maybe.. definitely yes.
but is it worth crying the whole night + crying yourself to sleep? NO.

right, so then chill the fuck out.

note: in future, know when to stand up for yourself but also know when to back down and let it go. some things are just not worth fighting for. if it means being the bigger person, then BE THE BIGGER PERSON.

KARMA.

tomorrow will be a better day.

2010-10-23T05:49:00.002+01:00

I whisper "i'm gonna be okay" "everything's gonna be alright" over and over again, as if saying it out loud is enough to make it come true. yet as i lay my head down on the pillow, tears fall instantly.

i'm in one of the most 'exciting' cities in the world, so why do i feel so alone? after a huge fight with my sister tonight, i realized that i had absolutely no one to call. not a single friend in the city i could run to or cry over the phone to or demand to come over bearing ice cream, alcohol and/or other suitably sinful treats.

plus while i'm here crying my eyes out, the neighbours who have been partying and blasting their music through my bedroom walls since i got home are STILL partying/blasting their music and yelling in the corridors at 5:25 fucking am. i have half a mind to tell them to fuck off.

oh wait, i just did (super nicely of course) and one of them replied 'konichiwa". what the fuck?

so sick of overrated expensive polluted london. so sick of being friendless and alone in the city (hah. they should turn that into a reality tv show). so sick of being unemployed. so sick of living in this flat with a shitty flatmate. good sister? yeah... maybe. good flatmate? hell no.

sick of selfish, self-obsessed, uncompromising people, people who can't say 'sorry', worse still, people who refuse to say 'sorry' and admit when they're wrong, obstinate mean bully! - that's what my mother would say, and for once in my life, you know what? i'd actually agree.

sick of it all. fuck off london.

dear batman, please give me a call, we should hang out sometime.

2010-10-12T07:38:00.004+01:00

My mother is right, I AM disturbingly nocturnal.

I'm a frickin BAT.

Does it still count as being nocturnal

if you're awake all through the night into the wee hours of the morning?

a message to you, rudy.

2010-10-12T06:43:00.015+01:00

I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
There, I said it.

(in case you haven't already noticed, I'm also using capital letters in the appropriate places - for once - since the plan is to be a writer, I guess it's only right that I write properly. ha ha. Ten points for my sparkling wit *rolls eyes*)

I'm lying in bed at 5:39 in the morning, after spur-of-the-moment-ly registering for the 2011 graduate fellowship programme at WPP then just as abruptly closing the window 5 minutes later, post-perusal of essay questions (part of the application) and realizing that I am wayyy out of my league and what the hell was I thinking?

My aspirations are not that lofty, or are they?

That said, having a defeatist mentality while attempting something is never a good idea. If you think you're going to fail before you try to succeed, why even bother?

I officially graduated in July, flew back to Singapore 2 weeks later for an intended 10 days only to have my stay extended for over a month - all for the sake of attaining a precious 2 year post-grad visa in UK. Prior to having my passport confiscated for official purposes, I absconded to Hong Kong with F for an expenses-paid escapefrommymother filled with more room service than I could afford and makeup/skin care binges at DFS - I hate to admit it but it's time to start investing in anti-ageing creams - + long awaited reunions with close friends.

Early September, I returned to London for oh, all of... 2 weeks before flying back yet again to attend the funeral of my beloved AJ and be with my family at a time of crisis and tragedy.

Which seems to be a common theme for 2010. I've thus christened it The season of breakups, and heartache in general. Everyone seems to be breaking up and/or heartbroken. What the hell is going on? I've avoided bringing up the topic completely given the past few months' happenings but I think I will slowly get back on my blogging wagon and vent out my long overdue angst.

People around me, younger than me, the same age as me, around me (oh sorry I said that twice, to emphasize my point of course!) are writing books (being offered book deals more like), owners of famous blogs, attending fashion shows around the world (hello, getting invited! in the first place), writing articles for actual publications to be seen and read, hell, being featured in magazines, getting PAID for their services/general omnipresence, wearing designer (read: sponsored) clothing/having free clothes sent to their doorstep just begging to be worn....

Let me see, have I missed anything?

And all for what? For uploading pictures of themselves every. single. day. in 'different' outfits that all seem to look the same? For hiring a boyfriend/friend to follow you around and photograph your every move? For dressing a little strangely/being 12 years old/discussing obscure designers? For having the money to invest in any item (designer or vintage) you damn well please and then visually documenting it, extensively might I add.

[By the way: this ranty-ravey para does not apply to EVERYONE. Only a select few.]

Even the concept of '15 minutes of fame' has its limitations and pre-requisites. Damn, so now you have to be attractive/rich (enough to afford the lifestyle)/have famous and or stupidly wealthy-influential-well-connected parents/know the right people/be seen at the right places in order to be deemed worthy of any attention - what next?

I just realized I am massively contradicting myself. On one hand I'm saying that it's ridiculously easy to become famous/get noticed and on the other I'm making a long list of pre-requisites.

So what I'm saying is: it's easy to be famous but it's not? Exactly.

For the record I'm not referring to fame per se. I don't actively seek fame, in fact I'm certain that should fame come knocking at my door I would wave it goodbye with a polite no thank you. I aspire to be someone well-respected and recognised in the industry for their talent and hard work, and save for the occasional obligatory appearance at fashion shows, someone who otherwise remains behind closed doors and works behind the scenes. There will be no random appearances at envelope openings or crappily scripted reality tv shows. Hell no!

I have a diploma in Apparel Design & Merchandising and a first class honours BA in Fashion Promotion. And I can't seem to catch a break. I find myself hunting and applying for jobs every day (at home) instead of socialising and partying every night out on the town - which let's be honest, would probably reap more rewards because as I'm sure you've heard, fashion is about WHO YOU KNOW. Which I really hate sometimes; why isn't it about how talented or capable or hard working or creative or original you are? Why of all things is it about name-dropping and getting spectacularly wasted every week (and effectively broke) in order to get a foot in the door = coveted internship (unpaid obviously) with that fantastic stylist who just so happens to party in the east?

Some blogger once wrote that in order to work in fashion you have to live/breathe/dream/godknowswhatelseshesaid-it. I vehemently disagree. I for one have lived long enough to know firsthand that there is more to life than fashion.

And if/when I make it someday (right now 'if/when i make it' translates to = get a job) I'll make sure that I'll need no reminders of what I've said here today.

Peace out.

Um, 1 hour and 3 minutes after my initial statement, I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. Hurrah.

Hur-fucking-rah.

the social network

2010-09-21T21:55:00.004+01:00

i don't need 500 'friends' to make overwhelmingly exaggerated comments about every photo i upload on facebook just so i can feel good about myself and believe i've achieved some sort of pseudo-popularity in the online world, which some people might naively believe translates into the real world.

i hate to be the one to break the bad news, but honey, that's NOT how things work in real life.

with a social networking platform like facebook, there are cases where your self-worth becomes a direct variation of how many people post on your wall per day, like your photos and tell you you're pretty or beautiful, danger lies in the superficial yet inevitable suggestion that your self-worth is intrinsically linked to your appearance. the more 'friends' you accumulate or flattering comments you get, the higher your self-worth, and vice versa, the less friends/comments/attention you garner on facebook, the lower your self-worth.

unlike some people, i don't feel the need to upload 200 profile pictures of myself looking almost identical in every frame or post mindless/vacuous comments at 15 minute intervals, just so i can prove to the world that i am an interesting slash opinionated/fashionable invidivual who happens to pose in front of the camera incessantly (in different assembles each time) and has nothing better to do than to keep facebook logged in at all times of the day.

when you realise that facebook has become a statement of your self-value, then you are in deep trouble, for your 'witty/interested/popular' identity exists solely in the cyberworld, while the you that walks/talks/breathes is nothing but an empty shell.

what the * have i done.

2010-08-31T17:44:00.000+01:00

i'm speechless
and trust me, that doesn't happen often
even blue moons occur with a higher frequency.

first, there was shock
then came that all-too-familiar
sick feeling, rising
from deep in the pit of my stomach
the pale face and shaking hands
next anger, raised voices
finally
calm. silence.

i'm so stupid.
somewhere deep in my subconscious,
i already knew this was going to happen.
yet, like a fool
i waited.
that's all i seem to do these days,
wait.

kinda like, you know it's bad for you
but you still do it anyway?

the little voice inside your head is going:
don't do it!
but you ignore it,
pay it no heed.
instead,
you jump headfirst
into the next big potential mess.

this is harder than i ever thought it would be,

"nobody said it was easy,
it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard."
- the scientist, coldplay.

but i've been through worse,
and i shall pull myself through this
the way i always do, (hopefully)

move forward, don't look back.

thank you daddy,
because of you
my tears have all dried up,
i can't cry no more.
as much as i want to,
there're none left to shed.
and in this case
that's a good thing
believe me.

on a different, but similarly painful note, it's funny how just one look at your photo sends a jolt through me. more like an electric shock. what the fuck have i just done. what have i done.

2010-08-20T18:09:00.002+01:00

ALL I WANT IS TO BE ABLE TO WALK DOWN THE STREET
AND NOT BE LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER THE ENTIRE TIME.

NOW, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

2010-07-18T06:03:00.004+01:00

sometimes i wish i had all the answers. don't you?

i wish i could meet someone for the first time and just know, "he's THE ONE", i wish love wasn't so bloody complicated, heck, i wish life wasn't so bloody complicated. i wish i knew what the hell i was doing - have i made the biggest mistake of my life? have i just walked away from the love of my life? have i completely screwed up and hurt everyone who ever cared about me? my mother seems to think so, correction, know so, but then again she also insists that i'm crazy so... whatevs.

yes no maybe i don't know, can you repeat the question?

8 years on and none the wiser. i seem to have acquired an irritating knack of meeting the sleaziest scummiest douchebags in the history of mankind. abusive guys, shockingly (below)average guys who think they're all that, guys who lie, period. (hence my current policy of checking ID on the first encounter), guys who think that money can buy you friends/lovers + objectify women and have severe groping tendencies - and these are just the scumbags hailing from the minuscule island of singapore.

don't forget the creepy german, aussie banker with ex-wife who propositioned me in hotel lobby, dutch guy who asked louie if he could 'borrow' me for a night, young swiss in barca, possible bisexual czech at gay club in amsterdam, polish chef at house party, swedish millionaire cum asshole in milan, condescending politician from oxford - the list goes on - i can't remember them all but i sure as hell have met some interesting/weird guys in my brief 24 years.

now what?

the terrifying truth is, i really DON'T know anything anymore - i'm just as confused as i was at 16, the age of my first foray into the big bad world of relationships - and as much as i hate that glaringly obvious fact, i've acknowledged that in life there are some things you're not SUPPOSED to know eg: who you're going to marry and have 10 children with.

if i could predict everything ahead of time, i'd be psychic now wouldn't i? besides, where's the fun in being a know-it-all?

birds in paradise...

2010-07-09T05:48:00.004+01:00

hello, it's me again.

as usual, just when i thought my days of drama were long gone - hence the then-appropriate name '_______' - the floodgates were opened and to be very honest, i nearly drowned in the aftermath. metaphorically speaking, of course.

shit happens, and unfortunately you don't get to choose when and where. when shit happens, it happens all at once. gross, but true. and the drama unfolded during the most crucial point in my life thus far - my final major project.

anyway, it's all over and done now. there's nothing more to say.

so here i am, draped over the couch in my new flat, a thousand pillows propping me up from behind as i tip tap away on my laptop in the dark. technically. my gigantic candle cum centrepiece and its four wicks are lit up, defusing the most perfect smells into the air. vanilla... yum. the aforementioned candlepiece (candle + centerpiece = candlepiece) is courtesy of Next Home. it's uch a fantastic find that i can't help but pat myself on the back for discovering it, in Next Home of all places, who would've thought?

the flat is unlit save for spotlights in the kitchen (yes, i actually have a proper kitchen now, not a crappy corner in an equally crappy studio apartment aka glorified room) so i'm not sitting in complete darkness - that's just weird, and a little bit creepy.

browsing the sales online at topshop and asos, not a bad range. so tempted to click 'add to basket' but shall resist the temptation on the grounds of being unemployed. 'clothes off' by gym class heroes is playing on itunes - love it! i have the best memories of this song haha; in the photography studio half-awake at 10am, dervin as jesus, my bedsheets wrapped around him as a makeshift loincloth, struggling to maintain composure with a half-naked friend in front of me, and the first song that itunes shuffle starts playing is.. "you have to take your clothes off..." talk about an ice-breaker.

[can't believe katy perry and travis of gym class heroes broke up - hot couple! sizzle. they would've had much cooler/cuter kids than any she will have with russell brand. i'm sorry but any guy who wears more eyeliner than me - um, no thank you.]

quiet night in; the first since moving in a week ago. daily protocol: v1 gets in from work, i cook/we eat in or meet friends for dinner. weekends are wayyy more fun; last sat we brunched with friends at broadway market then walked around exploring the place while everyone else obsessed over football *rolls eyes*; browsing stalls, stealing wooden crates (i wouldn't call it stealing since they were discarded in piles along with the trash.), browsing a vintage sale underground (literally. we walked through a pub, to the back, down a flight of steps and into the basement). left the sale 15 pounds lighter, armed with a floaty embroidered chiffon top by laura lee (sample sale). can't wait to wear it!

oh! i also purchased a gorgeous floral vintage halter dress from one of the street stalls, reminiscent of prada's 2008 resort collection (dresses 8, 18 and 20 in particular) except that mine is navy with yellow poppies.

(omfg, it took me AGES to locate this image)

true to form, the asian in me bargained with a lovely french man manning the stall, bringing the price down from 19 to 17 pounds. hey, 2 pounds is still money! its built-in boning - which acts as a corset - and full skirt create an emphasis on my waist (making it appear tinier than it actually is). hee hee.

i have the entire flat to myself for the next 6 days. twiddling my thumbs, what to do what to do.. for tonight, i've given my toenails a fresh coat of red polish - lush! perfect for open toed sandals and espadrilles in summer. vogue and a cup of tea (how english!) by my side tonight, plus my trusty laptop to the rescue, saving me from a long ~~night~~week of boredom, too much peace and quiet. without my sister bugging me, messing up the flat or grossing me out with her smelly feet - it feels too quiet, if you know what i mean.

i've been on an online shopping binge of late; i don't know what it is about summer, sunshine and the general abundance of sales that makes me wanna shop shop shop. ordered the practical magic dvd and book 'tabloid love' on amazon. to my credit, i've trawled most dvd/book stores and have not been able to find either item for YEARS, plus it's cheaper online anyway. (+ considering getting the friends season 1-10 box set). anddddd *drumroll* the most expensive household items i will probably ever lay my hands on; duvet cover + pillowcases (birds in paradise white), round cushion (birds in paradise green), bedsheets (lovely branches pink) while v1 got this shabby chic bed set and matching bolster.

aren't they to die for? *drools* i absolutely cannot wait for both packages to arrive, one from john lewis and the other being shipped in from amsterdam. i've been harrassing the reception ever since placing the orders but nothing has arrived as yet :( i love the fact that our bedrooms will have an oriental feel, especially with my hand-painted wooden fans and scented wood carving from shanghai.

i just realised the time, it's ~~5:47~~6:02am and i seriously need to sleep or else i'd waste a perfectly good friday sleeping which could be better spent in the sunshine. alright, i'll leave... right after i place my order for this jumpsuit on asos. i should feel guilty but i find it hard to when i think back on all those times throughout my life i've saved and saved and never bought anything nice for myself. well, first step gorgeous bedsheets, who knows what else life will hold instore for me?

ta!

breathe me.

2010-03-30T05:25:00.005+01:00

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

2010-03-30T04:01:00.001+01:00

"he looks like he'd fuck you sideways." - jack

<3<3<3 him,

ridiculously funny boy.

one night in dubai

2010-03-04T23:36:00.005Z

reporting from dubai... the night, in brief

glittery saris and indian-inspired embroidery in all colours of the rainbow - never in my life have i felt more dull - knew i should've worn my sequinned indian skirt!

alcohol on free flow; surprisingly, i did NOT get tipsy at all

scored some henna on my hands, palms and back - beautiful, B-E-A-UTIFUL. these women have been doing it for 15 to 30 years! that's even longer than i've been alive!

waiting for henna to dry; unable to go to the loo, wash my hands or eat,

dancing with hyperactive old men to the sounds of techno bollywood-esque beats, hands up in the air. feet hurt, took off my shoes and danced barefoot onstage

bollywood films projected against the white wall - aishwarya rai, hrithik roshan

gorgeous women in gorgeous clothes, envy.

FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD! a range of different curries, <3

one day i will have a villa like this...

the science of sleep part II

2010-02-21T22:39:00.002Z

apparently, blogger didn't delete my ENTIRE post. the remnants are as...

i've been toying with the idea of putting this blog to rest. after all, i haven't written in it, nobody reads it and really, what's the point?

i don't have much to say these days. i have a theory though, one i've enthusiastically shared with anyone who cares to listen. here goes... i used to lie in bed and scribble in my diary day and night, then transference demanded that i blog just as obsessively. eventually i got so busy, i stopped writing OR blogging altogether. which is when i started getting those dreams.

i'm beginning to think i'm psychic, judging from some of my eerily accurate? dreams.

on a similar note, i had a normal, non-psychic dream the other night. one minute i was planting sunflowers in a row, by the beach. the next thing i know, i'm riding on a pure white horse (like gandalf's in LOTR) alongside my sister, on a similarly striking black one, around a multi storey parking lot. my mother was driving 3 cars towed to one another (hard to explain but i'll keep going), and even drove up the wall in order to get out of the building, cars and all in tact.

i was lovingly stroking my horse's mane when he trotted up to a stable inside the shopping mall and simply shrugged me off. i fell into the arms of a cute stable boy, who promptly went off to find a replacement horse for me. there was a long queue of people waiting to ride the horses, but for some unfathomable reason, everyone was standing around in tshirts and underwear.

weird huh? i love when i get dreams like that; that make completely no sense at all.

my point is, i think my thoughts are manifesting themselves in my dreams... because they have no outlet to be expressed during the day, so they appear at night. if only there was job where i could sleep all day and sell my dreams to hollywood scriptwriters. that dude, the one who directed the science of sleep would so dig my dreams. i can't remember his name for the life of me, a travesty, i know.

ah! how cute and coincidental is that? the science of sleep?! selling my dreams to scriptwriters to write into movies. get it? get it?

okay fine. i get cheap thrills from things like this. sue me.

new year, new blog.

2010-02-21T11:04:00.004Z

blogger, as usual, deleted my lovely little entry. can't be bothered to conjure another one up. it's summed up in the title quite aptly, new year, new blog. technically, it's the same old blog with a new address.. but hopefully it's enough to spare me from the psychos. *fingers crossed*

just to be safe, there will NOT be a tagboard. and i don't intend to tell anyone the new address.

stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

resolution for the new year:
travel more
work harder
play even harder
meet new people
get a proper internship
find a job
move into a new flat, with a real kitchen (no more washing dishes in the shower)
LIVE! LOVE. x infinity

2009-11-13T17:39:00.004Z

it's times like these; when i can hear my window pane rattling, the wind outside howling, the trees shaking and leaves violently rustling .... that i'm ever so glad to be safe at home, tucked under the covers.

m-e-c-h-a-n-i-c-a-l

2009-10-01T23:20:00.005+01:00

i can't believe that when i typed 'can you get lead poisoning if you stab yourself with a mechanical pencil?' into google, google actually predicted the remainder of my sentence. this means that i'm not the only dumb one out there...

a) who stabbed herself with a mechanical pencil

and

b) typed that question into google

i feel a little less foolish.. knowing that many someones across the world have experienced the exact same predicament (ie: pencil lead - which btw is actually made of graphite. duh - embedded in their fingers)

what's wrong with me?

2009-08-12T12:06:00.010+01:00

currently listening to: joni mitchell

do you ever lie in bed at night, unable to sleep? tossing and turning, fidgeting continually, scratching your arms and legs now and then.. anything but sleep? you tell yourself to just close your eyes, clear your mind, focus on breathing, inhale, exhale.. but the harder you try, the more impossible it seems to get. instead the thoughts keep rolling in tumbles, a constant flow of words sentences phrases that don't make sense, disjointed, incoherent. images, a shuffled slideshow that overlap in time and place. songs, pounding through your head, just as your heavy lids are about to fall, florence and her bloody machine starts to sing again. damn.

that's me. that's been me for the past few days, weeks, months - i don't even know anymore. lethargic. i feel tired all the time; i tried to remedy it by sleeping more, but the more i sleep, the more exhausted i get. i can't fix this innate weariness, where is it coming from? sure, i'm burned out from the 6 months in amsterdam, the 6 months of not sleeping more than 3-4 hours every single night and crying my brains out, but are these the consequences? what is my body telling me? that i can't do this anymore? i'm 22!

i find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, heck, afternoon. the snooze button on my alarm was pressed at least 5 times this morning alone. i could probably snooze till the cows come home, and still be in bed by the time my bf gets off work. what is WRONG with me?

uninspired, unmotived. ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME.

1:12am last night, i crept out of bed, sneakily turned on my laptop. i told myself i had to get these thoughts, these words out of me, before i spontaneously combusted. i had to get it down in black and white, a textual detox? instead i got distracted, and watched one of my fav films 'practical magic' on youtube - at least i went to bed with a smile on my face. i absolutely adore that scene with nicole kidman driving on a highway, singing along to joni mitchell's 'a case of you'. perfection. btw her hair is simply divine. when i return home in dec, i must bring some photos to the hairdresser's for a comparison. i need a trim, badly. my hair is practically down to my ass. i bet that's what happened when rapunzel got locked up in that tower, she probably got terrible split ends.

sidetracking, i wish i could be a witch. like sandra bullock/nicole kidman in practical magic. who needs dissertations and groupwork when i could grow fruits and veggies in my garden to create organic shampoos and soaps and lotions, to sell in my own shop? with hair THAT perfect, i wouldn't mind. *wishful thinking*

my mother would probably skin me alive and turn me into a handbag, if i were to quit school and go home now. OR become an organic farmer. OR get married and become a housewife. ahh.. the possibilities are endless.

speaking of my mother, guess who called and woke me up from my slumber? yes indeed. mother dear. jolted me from my sleep to commence a lecture on my depressive state, my inactivity. my general loser-ness (my words, not hers). she was compassionate though, said she understood, she'd been through it before. with daddy. told me to get out of bed, to DO something. go swimming, go to the gym. get started. getting started is always the hardest part. bake. baking is therapeutic. to go on a short vacation somewhere, anywhere, alone.

you know what. maybe that's what i need to do. for real. maybe i should book a holiday somewhere, alone. bring my laptop with me. sip margaritas by the beach. and write.

what say you?

maybe virgi is right. i'm tired of waiting for someone to go on a holiday with me. when will the time ever be right? i should just pack up and go by myself. stupid boyfriend!

note: jacky is also right. i need to find a way to remind myself that i am lucky, i am fortunate. there are people out there as we speak, with no families, no shelter over their heads, no clothes to wear, no food to eat. they don't have the opportunities that i've been given, to have an education, a better future.

remind myself that the world does not revolve around me. period.

2009-07-24T02:09:00.001+01:00

2009-07-23T00:52:00.001+01:00

she will never be able to love me the way i need to be loved.

2009-07-17T19:13:00.003+01:00

just when i thought i'd forgotten you, there you are. everywhere, all at once.

i hate that you still have an effect on me. i hate that i ever met you. i wish you never existed.

most days, i tell myself that nothing happened, that i imagined it all in my head.

most days, i believe it.
not today.

2009-07-05T23:46:00.008+01:00

wed - tequila night
in the midst of drowning our sorrows, lou and i nearly finished a bottle of tequila between us. inititally, i drew lines on my cardboard drawer (to mark the number of shots we'd consumed) with a marker but the tequila took over... all i can say is, i lost count at #4.

thurs - hangover
i woke up with the worst headache known to mankind. everything hurt. it hurt to think, let alone move. i kept chanting inwardly: don't think. just close your eyes and try to fall sleep. after throwing up twice, i swore never to touch tequila or lemon ever again. okay, at least for a month. as i half-knelt/doubled over the toilet seat, a little voice in my head taunted me, asking if the pain was worth the pleasure. trust me, it SO wasn't.

i actually took an entire day to recover, i know, i'm surprised myself. i lay in bed all day like some sick puppy, not moving or thinking. it was harder than you'd imagine.

fri - efteling theme park (flash, emmi, sarah)
rollercoasters, cotton candy, an unlimited amount of screaming, my clothes getting soaked - yup, my kinda PG fun in the sun.

sat - singel 404 + ribs at that restaurant i don't know the name of (lou & hk girls)
offical good food day. that's all i can say... and that i was wearing a supermini dress. i swear some guys walking past called out "lend her some money". if they were trying to be creative/funny, i think they meant i couldn't afford a longer dress. ahh whatevs.

sun - picnic at a park, canal biking, the trut (alternative gay bar)
i woke up early to make my famous garlic prawn pasta and fruit crepes, lou had a big bag full of goodies. together we set off to do as the dutch do; to lunch in style, drifting along a canal in a cute little boat. along the way, we got distracted by a festival of sorts, it looked so lively and lovely that we promptly got off (the tram) and joined in. sitting in a shade, nibbling strawberries dipped in maple syrup and sipping wine, watching little boats go by - it was the perfect way to spend a sunday...

for the next two hours, we proceeded to get lost trying to find the canal bike-renting place then we almost got ourselves killed, in our failed attempts at steering it. picture this: us on the wrong side of the canal, floating in the path of a MASSIVE canal cruise charging at us (that's a bit of an overstatement), lou laughing his head off at god knows what and me screaming like a raving lunatic. it was singlehandedly the most embarrassing thing to happen this year. people seated at cafes along the canal were watching, and undoubtedly laughing. not to mention, we also got stuck - sideways - in a canal.

p/s: i don't even know how many floating houses we banged into. sorry!

we had famous dutch pancakes at the pancake bakery. sad to say, my mexican tasted more like sweet and sour chicken. blah.

the trut was an eye opener; so many beautiful men, all gay. le sigh. i've never felt so overdressed and ... straight in my life. i'm saying that like it's a bad thing. jesus. i wore my mum's vintage cape with gold trim, it was so so gorgeous, i received compliments from just about everyone *beams* fyi, i've never had to wait in line (so damn long) to enter a bar before and the place is too underground - we almost ~~couldn't~~ didn't find it.

+ the crowd is cute, - the toilets are vile. if i wasn't drunk, i don't think i would've dreamed of stepping into their loos, or touching the toilet seat without disinfecting it first. lou and i managed to befriend the very blond (nick-carter-when-he-was-cute-lookalike/czech) j&j (flicky blond fringe/swede) and 2 random guys on bikes outside the trut, post-closing time. our plan was to continue partying hearty with our newfound strangers but it was a sunday and frankly, amsterdam is dead on a sunday. we had no choice but to bid adieu and cab home.

alas! on our week in amsterdam, we meet some genuinely cool people. where was this social life 6 months ago?

mon - picking up of MVV + laserguns
by the time i picked up my MVV (residence permit), i was informed it would be valid for, all of 2 days. whoopee. the lady gave me a handbook on my MVV, i promptly threw it in the bin on my way out. laser gunning was a blast; i felt like a kid again, screaming my brains out, just because. pity i wasn't feeling well, in fact all the physical activity made me feel worse. it made for great facebook photos though.

tues - day at the beach
i cancelled on flash in lieu of staying at home to recuperate. good call. when he told me he brought champagne, i died a little inside.

wed - packing/mint party
yawn. three little piggies walked all the way home. bonus: watching F (who has 'it's britney bitch' as his ringtone) dancing his ass off onstage and gyrating up to some guy. classic. always fun to witness teachers gone wild.

thurs - spent the day with anne (bakery/westerpark) + bbq
the bakery was adorable, we ordered an assortment of pastries on a tray and sat in the backyard to bask in the sunshine. i've learnt: when the sun comes out, so do the dutch. strawberry cake, brownies, a scone, lemon cake, fresh cream, a bonbon and little chocolate drops. divine.

we walked to westerpark (a recommendation by one of the guys on a bike) and parked our bums on a bridge (i don't know what else to call it) with our feet dangling over a pond. we sat and talked for hours, before moving to a huge padded swing in front of a cafe/restaurant, sipping lemonades. i was so brown from all the sun exposure; though my tanlines promptly stopped mid-thigh, at the hem of my minidress, which was a little weird.

lastly, we went to fullup's bbq. here's what i've discovered, the fundamental difference between asians and europeans is: at an asian bbq, we eat until the food runs out, and there are ALWAYS second, third and fourth helpings, if not more. at a european bbq, people hardly eat at all, in fact talking/drinking seems to take precedence. i was stunned speechless. there i was, stuffing my face with salmon and spicy chicken wings and everyone else had already moved onto dessert.

fri - sex and the city
seasons 1 to 5 never aired in sg, so this is officially my first time watching SATC and i must say, i'm lovin' it.

sat - packing/dinner with lou
i lured lou out with the tempting offer of dinner at one of our fav restaurants - on me. i had the salmon and chips with garlic sauce, while he had turkey noodles in thai-style curry. oh, we had the saddest farewell, both of us walked away with tears in our eyes. i'm gonna miss him so much.

sun - packing
more packing; deciding what stays and what goes. always tough for me, what with my karang-guni tendencies. more SATC. i've decided, i'm a cross between carrie and charlotte. i even had my own mr BIG plus i'm interested in journalism, talk about living parallel lives (mine is still missing the fabulous party invites, lunches/brunches and sextalk with girlfriends + designer shoes) someday...

mon - leaving
i would love to see van gogh + stop by wagamamas to say hello/goodbye to j&j + visit vondelpark (it's all in the vicinity) and maybe make a final trip down to singel 404, if i can find my way there without getting lost. we'll see. their iced coffee is fantastic, def worth getting lost over.

2009-06-21T20:24:00.006+01:00

initially i was angry, upset, bitter. i came here with every intention of giving you a piece of my mind. luckily, i've come to my senses. all there is left to say is: sometimes you think you know someone... but you really don't.

goodbye. (i wanted to add 'have a nice life' but screw being politically correct, just for once)

tuesday.

2009-06-19T17:09:00.018+01:00

tuesday

i planned my 'submission' outfit down to a t(ee). the intended look was: silky amethyst minidress, bare legs, leather heeled gladiators... however, due to the bad weather, i had to substitute bare legs with black skinnies and glads for flat brown boots. oh well..

that aside, the bangs went down pretty well. i cut them in the bathroom sink last week but i haven't seen anyone since (other than P), so i forgot to anticipate any kind of reaction from my classmates. the general consensus was for the bangs, not against :)

on tuesday morning, we were only in class for about 45 mins, then we were allowed to leave. and despite the mere few hours of sleep, i didn't feel like going home after handing up our work. i was craving some release into the outside world (anywhere but my room) so i semi-dragged A to town. we found ourselves escaping the rain in a cosy corner of the waterlooplein branch of bagels & beans, sipping hot chocolate and chatting away. the day before, FB and i made plans to lunch at singel 404 (they serve the best sandwiches IN THE WORLD!) after the hot choc stop, we met up with FB and walked to singel.

i ordered my usual, remarking; either my appetite has grown or the portions have shrunk. i think it was just a one-off incident.

post-lunch, FB and i headed off to do a bit of shopping - more him than me. i followed him to LV and watched him browse the selection of bags while i tried my best to look interested. i'm sorry, monograms aren't my thing. (we both agree)

incident #1: some super white-haired old man (we're talking mid to late 60s?) held up a hideous LV women's handbag and asked me if i liked it. he said he was buying it for his wife. i resisted the urge to raise my eyebrows and politely enquired instead: oh, how old is your wife? (all the while picturing some equally old and white haired lady) he replied: about your age, 26.

a) i'm not 26. b) WTF!

i struggled to pick the nicest bag from the hideousness on display, but... couldn't. he thanked me anyway, despite my lack of useful input.

after LV, we popped into gucci by which time i was yawning. no offence to gucci lovers, but the music and perfume in there is seriously sleep-inducing, combined with my overall lack of sleep.

we spent the remainder of the day casually strolling in town. at one point, we came across an ice cream place and i suggested we get some to accompany the perfect weather. i got us both ice creams (it took some convincing on his part but trust me, FB has legs any girl would envy so he has nothing to worry about); i chose 2 scoops of macadamia and belgian chocolate, he chose some sorbet-ish flavours. it was lovely... licking our ice creams and not having a care in the world. tra la la..

incident #2: i needed to use the loo so we started searching for macs/burger king. we paid 0.30 euro cents and were just about to enter the respective loos when the lady stopped FB and pointed at the signs 'heren' and 'dames'. we were confused for a minute until i realised she was stopping FB, not me. i then pointed out that he's a BOY. she finally caught on and started apologising profusely. heh. i can't believe these mishaps actually happen.

we came home early, dropped by the post office to make some enquiries and for FB to pick up a package. I got home, changed into a cami and denim cutoffs and the cleaning commenced!

- vacuumed my room
- swept the flat (the space outside my room)
- threw out the trash, sorted the paper cartons/glass bottles for recycling
- started cleaning/scrubbing the toilet

in the middle of cleaning the loo, i went upstairs to borrow a toilet brush from lou, and lend him some curry powder... however i ended up staying and chatting, eventually falling asleep, curled up in his supercosy-butdirty (heh) sheets - he even took a video of me sleeping! i simply snoozed on, completely unaware. he woke me up at 10PM! after i had been knocked out for a good 2 hours or so. i couldn't believe how long i'd been in a comatose state, oblivious to everything he'd been doing while i was sleeping.

we were both desperately hungry and in need of a quick fix, so we decided to order in some new york pizza. alas! we had missed the window of opportunity (delivery times) by about half hour. in the end, lou made thai-style curry and pasta for us. it was yummy. finally, after sleeping in his bed and eating his food, i was inevitably chased out of his flat heh.

by the time i returned to my flat, toilet brush and detergent in hand, my flatmate exclaimed: i was wondering what happened to you, because you just disappeared in the middle of cleaning the toilet. i told myself that if you didn't come back by midnight, something bad might've happened.

smirk.

after that refreshing sleep, i went right back to cleaning the toilet. after which, i scrubbed the sink, stove, the outside of the fridge and the kitchen floor.

insane right?

2009-06-02T15:10:00.000+01:00

today,

just for today,
i'm happy.

dreaming with a broken heart

2009-05-06T23:25:00.002+01:00

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

You roll out of bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here
Is she standing in my room?

No, she's not
cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part

She takes you in with her crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love
will you wake up by my side?

No, she can't
cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hands?
Would you get them if I did?

No, you won't
Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.

"what happens in barcelona stays in barcelona."

2009-04-17T23:46:00.010+01:00

almost every single day for the past few weeks, months even, has been spent reading seemingly endless stacks of literature; all those sleepless nights agonizing over this pilot dissertation. i grow more and more weary with each day, surviving on 4 and a half hours of sleep or less. with assignments piled on daily at amfi; concepting, mindmaps, powerpoint presentations and this pilot due back at uca, my spirit is slowly but surely being worn down to nothingness.

(fyi: the pilot, brand manual and marketing strategy are due ON THE SAME DAY)

i find that these days, i don't have much to say, i'm my very own personal zombie. i am even beginning to find comfort in solitude - shocking! - lest i infect others with my flagging spirit.

every morning i wake up, therein lies the problem; an internal tug-of-war - the struggle to get up, get dressed and drag my unwilling body out of the flat, onto a tram and to school. i find no solace in mindnumbingly long lectures, writing notes until my brain goes blank and fails to absorb anything else. i just want to be alone.

i can't help but wish for the days of barcelona; where we had absolutely no cares in the world. perfect weather; the sun, sand, sea, perfect food; eating delicious tapas, paella and drinking wine everyday, being madly spontaneous (how unlike me); let this be known, i was in excellent company. 4 of us, 4 bottles of wine, drinking ourselves silly by the beach, CRASHING BARCELONA FASHION WEEK AND ACTUALLY GETTING ESCORTED INTO THE TENT/FASHION SHOW - LIKE VIPS.

summary: got word that BFW coincided with our study trip. spontaneity struck! got dressed to kill. cabbed to the location. upon arrival, noticed beefy security guards and everyone with VIP/PRESS tags. so screwed. were about to give up and go home. walked to the opp side, it looked like the admin/logistics tent. IL talked her/our way into the fashion show. apparently folks, all it takes is the truth. and maybe a little exaggeration.

:)

endless shopping; for some reason, shopping in barca was a completely different experience to shopping elsewhere, for once i was in the right mood to try & buy. i bought this assymetrical jersey summer dress from mango, in the most shocking tangerine. i made the executive decision after the sad realization that my wardrobe is utterly drab and lacking in colour. other purchases include a navy military/marching band-esque blazer with rows of rusty coloured buttons along the lapels, the prettiest lingerie i've ever laid my hands on and a box of HAPPY PILLS (yes, that's actually the name of the shop) for V1.

i have the sweetest memories of barca. ALL of us waking up with hangovers every. single. morning, holding animated discussions based on the foggy remnants of our previous night's escapades. (in my case, completely forgetten chunks resurfacing at the breakfast table, and being kindly informed by F that i actually HUGGED F/P in my inebriated state. apparently i become extremely friendly/touchy/flirtatious under the influence - so i've been told.)

no comment. at least i had SOME sense left in me not to extend a hug to BP. thank god for self-control. he's just the most beautiful boy everrr. double sigh.

most of this talk took place in the boy's bathroom, where we promptly claimed territory soon after arriving at the lovely hostel. never in my wildest dreams did i envision getting drunk and peeing on the beach. HAHA! if it's any consolation, i doubt any of us did. i vaguely recall lying on our 'borrowed' (otherwise known as stolen) blankets from the hostel, listening to music on F's iphone? and gazing at the stars in the sky. then the sudden urge to whip off my boots - it simply didn't feel right wearing shoes on the beach, and not feeling the sand between your toes - and run into the ocean. the rest of them were wise not to follow suit, it was FREEEEEZING as i learnt in due time, but worth every second.

listening to groove armada's "at the river" as i write this passage and it is the perfect song of choice. that's exactly how i felt; IL had her camera on hand the instant i ran into the water. my red floral dress emerged looking like a blaze of fiery flames amidst the blur of waves. i can't help but smile at the thought of that particular moment in time, captured in a photograph.

it was delightful. even in my drunken state, i remember telling them that the water felt like 'champagne and strawberries'. don't ask me when/how i got so poetic. not a clue.

oh right, how can i forget to mention this? gaudi architecture, sagrada familia yada yada. it's not that i didn't enjoy it, i did. it was gorgeous, but not really my cup of tea. i much preferred the museum of contemporary art. ah, that i truly enjoyed. and our last night in barca; the fashion show afterparty followed by a wild night which i will not elaborate on. lest my boyfriend reads this entry. nothing he doesn't already know though.

i held back on blogging about barca, because i felt that unless i was in the right frame of mind, my words wouldn't do it justice. it was by far, the most amazing experience i've had. travel, or otherwise. great company, great conversations. note: i saw the most undescribable sunset atop one of the gaudi buildings, as well as on the flight back to amsterdam. they were beautiful in different ways. the former was in shades of dusty pink and blue; its beauty caught me by surprise. i couldn't stop myself from taking one photo after the other, right up till the moment my camera decided to die on me. which was a blessing in disguise, because it allowed me to truly take in the moment, and experience it firsthand.

maybe if i close my eyes and still my mind, i can recreate that moment in my head...

good friday.

2009-04-11T00:36:00.011+01:00

evidence of our little good friday dinner party in the kitchen.

flash made the waldorf salad and garlic bread (in silver foil). i made salmon avocado (+ cream cheese) sushi (notice the internet printout of 'how to roll sushi' standing next to the food). elmer made macaroni pasta and louie made spicy chicken wings. drinks: red/white wine, lemon tea & fruit juice.

attendance: flash (in navy and white stripes), louie (in grey and white), elmer (in green), said (in black) and ME (not pictured). zorni came in later (also not pictured).

happy good friday folks!

i sure had a fantastic one. a homecooked dinner with 3 flatmates/2 classmates, everyone sitting in the dark, surrounded by tealight candles. just eating, drinking and chatting the night away. lovely. i hope everyone had a great time, i know i did, thanks for coming and contributing!

xoxo.

2009-03-24T20:49:00.005Z

"What happens in Barcelona stays in Barcelona."

that's all i'm saying... for now.

one weekend in amsterdam.

2009-03-11T14:25:00.001Z

new country, language, city, 'home', room, flatmate(s), university, classes, classmates, teachers, assignments, subject matter, cafes/hangouts, types of food, daily routine, habits, modes of transportation, grocery stores, shops, phone (now lost), restaurants, clubs, museums...

you get that, everything's new.

not so great with the concept of 'new', but i think i'm slowly getting used to it or hopefully i will. not a fan of the unfamiliar either, but all things become familiar in due time. you never know *shrugs* by the end of 6 months, i might actually be sad to leave?

i had the greatest time the weekend just past, perhaps because for the very first time, my eyes were opened to the possibility that i could actually enjoy the city and the experiences it holds in store for me - if only i would let it.

V, B and Y (virgi's friends) were said partners in crime. i joined B and Y for dinner on friday night, with every intention of going home that night and picking virgi up at central station the next morning. had super yum indonesian food! best meal since i've been here. however as the night wore on, i got the feeling it wasn't about to end anytime soon. i was right. we met another of V's friends, J, and her friends - travelling around europe together, went to a coffee shop at the boys' request (watched them smoke some questionable but legal substances) followed by drinks at a quiet longue-y place. post-multiple rounds of drinking games, we finally called it a night.

made the trek to their hotel and watched B pass out before our eyes. i kinda didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him - acc. to the prior arrangement - lest he beat me in his violent sleep! i washed up and sat nicely tucked in Y's bed, chatting away.. till 4plus, when i fell asleep in his bed. he v. kindly offered to sleep half on a chair and half on the bed, at my feet.

unsurprisingly, acc. to him, i kicked him twice in my sleep. oops! (though i don't completely buy that story, but hey! it's possible)

picked virgi up. sooo glad to see my big sis *grin*. had breakfast and talked for AGES in a little cafe, whilst B was snoozing like a little piggy. met up with B, had more food. wasn't supposed to be hungry after that breakfast but i was, correction: we were. discovered a quiet japanese restaurant and ordered enough sushi to feed... well, us. yumyum. i must make it a point to return someday. made our way (by foot) to the van gogh museum, where we promptly parted ways - virgi and i headed to the bond street of amsterdam, not that we bought anything of course and the boys got tics for van gogh. v and i walked around for a bit then settled in a lovely underground cafe to chat and share a slice of tiramisu + i had hot chocolate - fast becoming a staple in my life.

rushed back to meet the boys at the appointed time, then onto the heineken brewery, by which time it was too late. i can't remember what we did next.. i think we had dinner? we searched for HOURS (well maybe not hours, but it sure felt like it), trying to find this cafe by the water, with a SUPERLOVELY view. we came across it purely by chance, while on the prowl for the red light district - not for my viewing pleasure, in case you were wondering - it was all lit up and you could see the pretty interior. after walking back and forth endlessly, Y (official mapbearer) found it. once again, delightful meal - virgi and i shared a main - salmon, a salad and tomato soup.

one thing i've realised about that weekend is that; it's being with the right company (i can't stress this word enough) that makes the experience. i was surrounded by fellow singaporeans + family, on the same wavelength, speaking the same lingo, getting the same jokes. ahh.. familiarity. at last *beams*

some people have been rude/unkind/unhelpful to me since i've arrived. call me weak or whatever for not standing up to them, but seriously, what's the point? i just let it pass, i think it's a waste of my time/energy taking offence, plus it's draining. that's my mentality. 75% of the time, i let it pass, then maybe i secretly curse and swear and stick pins in voodoo dolls behind their back - heh. just kidding, about the cursing and swearing of course :) immigrations anyone? 25% of the time, when i've had just about enough crap, i will go crazy and scream - which thankfully, hasn't happened. yet. i have quite a high tolerance level, about certain things, in certain situations and with certain people. or maybe 50-50? hmm, i don't know..

basically it comes down to rights. having rights and knowing them. i don't know my rights as well as virgi of course, which results in me being bullied by strangers ie: crazy english cab driver.

i've gone off on a tangent again. what was i saying?

anyway the night is no longer young and i need some sleep. i hardly have time for myself these days. no time to think, no time to write. just work work work. sigh..

'one weekend in amsterdam' to be continued...

don't try to be perfect

2009-03-10T09:50:00.001Z

“Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.”

Anthony Robbins

your ex-lover is dead.

2009-02-27T04:06:00.003Z

When there is nothing left to burn
You have to set yourself on fire

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said, "Yes I think we've met before"
In that instant it started to pour

Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me you see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From a house down the road, from real love

Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

2009-02-27T04:03:00.001Z

But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.

Norwegian Wood, Haruki Murakami

2009-02-25T22:52:00.003Z

vac·u·ous
adj.
1. Devoid of matter; empty.
2. a. Lacking intelligence; stupid.
b. Devoid of substance or meaning; inane: a vacuous comment.
c. Devoid of expression; vacant: "The narrow, swinelike eyes were open, no more vacuous in death than they had been in life" Nicholas Proffitt.
3. Lacking serious purpose or occupation; idle. See Synonyms at empty.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

the last days of decadence

2009-01-19T18:38:00.017Z

the collateral: a broken toenail, bleeding foot (upon waking up, i stood on the bed, felt dizzy, promptly dropped to the floor, tripped and managed to stab the back of my right foot with my left. hence the 2-in-1. i didn't realise how bad it was until i noticed my toenail was in 2 parts + facing dfferent directions, multiple blisters, a tiny purple bruise on my knee (discovered in the shower), need i go on?

saturday night out in london; v1 and two friends held a themed party at 'the last days of decadence', a jazz club in shoreditch - for no apparent reason *shrugs* just because. the theme itself was a bit confusing and overlapped several eras, but the crowd showed up dressed to the nines nonetheless. i made the executive decision to brave the elements and leg it to the club, solo, ankle skimming dress and all.

yup, because i'm THAT clever.

needless to say, BAD idea. numb toes, frozen face. the wind just happened to be out in full force, blowing me to bits. the second i stepped out of her house, i knew i was in for it.

i don't know why i didn't realize this sooner but i was a living embodiment of the trend prediction i submitted for my last assignment. truth is, i just wanted an excuse to wear that gorgeous grecian goddess gown *wink* and my new strappy gold heels, mum's belt and A. ivy's cuff were the perfect finishing touches. i dusted mac gold eyeshadow lightly across my eyelids and cheekbones - i was going for ethereal, not sure if i passed though. i even took the time to curl my hair, i, the original miss low-maintainence, do-not-own-any-hair-product, never-brushes-hair, bf-spends-more-time-styling-his-hair-than-i-do!

party was fab. went there not knowing a soul (what's new) but by the third glass of wine, shyness be damned! i was going up to complete strangers and saying, "you don't know me but...." *oh the embarrassment* then i proceeded to fall asleep on the sofa for 1.5 hours (honestly i had no idea! i thought i was out for half an hour max.) to my credit, it was towards the end of the night and i hadn't gotten much sleep that week. by the time they managed to rouse me from my deep slumber, it was closing time and everyone else had left.

one thing i remember! some english dude dressed as a samurai (from the 'what i wanna be when i grow up' party downstairs) asked me if i had a boyfriend and remarked that i was "scandalously hot!!" aww. how cute.

sunday - dimsum with v1/sarah, brick lane with carla/alexa, dinner with v1

monday - miserable weather; spent the day reading indoors. dinner with virgi, ben and their friend ja at some posh jap restaurant.

there were a bunch of drunk/rowdy bankers/lawyers/businessmen sitting at the table in front of us. one of the cuter ones (at first sight) started beckoning to me from across the room, calling out "hey you, in red!" (i was wearing a red H&M cardi) it was kinda hard to ignore; he came over, sat next to me and started yapping away, inviting us to join their table. i didn't want to be rude but i was wishing really hard that he would shut up and go back to his seat.

long story short: supremely drunk, apparently he's done it all> banker + lawyer + businessman = asshole in my books, words "ex" and "wife" ring a bell? etc. when ben arrived, we motioned for drunk dude to make a move. let's say he wasn't too pleased. he was wearing a BIB for god's sake!?!

we decided to switch our table for one downstairs. had a lovely dinner and catchup. eventually came closing time, but we wanted to continue chatting so we headed to a nearby hotel (for the bar). as luck would have it, upon entering the hotel, i spotted the same group of guys walking out of the hotel bar. i quickly spun around and whispered for virgi/ben/ja to follow suit. we weren't quite quick enough. he spotted me, and came over (again).

I GOT PROPOSITIONED!

this dude, had the audacity to invite himself up to my room! 1) i didn't have a room, i wasn't even a guest at the hotel. 2) hello, ex-wife? 3) he was kinda hot but still virgi! you're supposed to be a good influence, not encouraging me to have flings with drunken bankers/lawyers/businessmen!

thinking back, i can't believe he actually said those words "why don't we go back to your room?" or "why don't you invite me back to your room?" something sleazy like that, whispered in my ear. you know how these things happen in the movies and you think to yourself: if that were me, i'd be sure to have a witty reply at the ready. well, i didn't. my mind went blank, i couldn't think, let alone speak. the best i could do was turn around and walk away. he kept calling after me, asking us not to leave.

seriously, seriously!

*shakes head* only in london....

the sex shoes are mine!! nehnehnipoopoo

2009-01-13T14:57:00.015Z

the mother has purchased the charles & keith shoes as an advanced birthday present!!!!!

OMG, right?

yep, you heard me right the first time. she. bought. me. the. SEX. shoes. said it was an advanced birthday present and that virgi would bring them back to the uk for me. i didn't even ask her to. in fact, i specifically told her i could live without them. i was blatantly lying of course.. you know, trying to put up a brave front in light of the recession and all.

I AM IN LUST with a capital Y for
YES I OFFICIALLY OWN 'EM
a la jimmy choo knockoffs

click here for visuals

i swear she's getting mellower with age. the last time i went home for summer, she brought me to charles & keith and practically FORCED me to let her buy me this cute pair of marni-esque cream 2-tone shoes with a chunky heel and this gorrrrgeous emerald satin clutch with chain gold strap (proudly on display in my latest facebook pics with mandi). she said that was an advanced birthday-and-christmas present too.

ask anyone, i don't have any particular material vices. i don't have a shoe or bag fetish, i'm not an impulsive shopper - for either high or low end stuff. in fact, one of my greatest qualities is the ability to resist temptation, retail-wise anyway. frantic rummage-through-bins type sales are really not my thing. i wouldn't mind a good sale now and again but the thought of having to squeeze my way through a throng of sweaty women and compete over the last piece on the rack is not my idea of a fun time.

though that said, i did manage to walk off with my favourite oversized knitted shrug from a REISS sample sale - a steal! at £15 - relatively unscathed. by complete accident, that was. carla and i just happened to be in the area *gleeful look*

my point was, i don't have any major shoe fetish or habit, but for this particular pair... where do i sign up?

you can't tell just how delicious these shoes are simply by looking at them. trust me, you gotta put them on to FEEL THE POWER coursing through your veins. the second i buckled the straps and sashayed down to the mirror to give myself a once over, i thought: jeeeeesus. these shoes are SEX! they compelled me to stand up straight for one; boobs up, butt out. they're much higher than what my feet/body/center of gravity is/are accustomed to but i'll get used to it. promise!

tra la la la la... can't wait to slip into them and dance the night away.

2009-01-10T20:10:00.004Z

random thoughts going through my head...

1. to heat up pie in the fridge or binge on M&S chocs for dinner? how bout a bit of both?

2. what to wear for my sister's 50s themed party (there seems to be a conflict of themes) at a jazz club in shoreditch next sat

3. how to use curling tongs on my poker straight asian hair for a 50s-style do (re: abovementioned party)

4. am rediscovering radiohead's '15 step' after twilight rolled its credits to it

5. fyi: robert pattinson is sexxxxxxxx. cliched, but have you seen his hair?!

6. i DO NOT feel like doing work tonight, but i must.

7. hmm.. to take a half hour nap or not? that is the question.

8. what should i pack for amsterdam? rephrase: what does 40kg allow me to bring?

9. oh god. amsterdam. please x10 do not turn out to be another rochester.

10. sleeeeeeepy.

11. nude patent strappy charles & keith SEX heels turn out to be jimmy choo knockoffs. tsktsk.

12. am still lusting after them. BADLY. and deeply regretting having ever walked away in the first place.

13. learn to be comfortable in your own skin. life's too short to be anything other than yourself.

14. i still haven't figured out whether to be a) a jack of all trades or b) a master of one

15. must. do. work. tomorrow. (technically, today) but first, must wake up at 10am.

xoxo

16. must get back into the swing of gossipgirl + greys

dorothy's return to oz.

2008-12-15T20:36:00.008Z

dorothy is back in oz, yet somehow it doesn't feel like home anymore.

i can't sleep, i should be asleep but instead, here i am - back at my once-favourite place. my fingers feel so at ease, like i never left. i've been plenty absent, busy you know, living. or trying to have a life - there's a difference.

i wrote a couple of paragraphs and stopped. then deleted every word. because as of now, i am at a lost for words (again); there are simply too many things i want to say but no idea how to say them. coming home, i don't want to think. i don't want to have to contemplate anything. not the past present or future. things are as they are... because. everything changes, nothing stays the same. to expect things to be as they were when i left would be selfish and unrealistic.

so their lives now revolve around other people and other things, i am no longer the center of the universe. is it too much to request a second to grieve? for the things that once were.. while i was away, the plastic wrapping was removed, the dust has settled.

right now, i just want to be with the ones that matter, and have a good time at it. all that stuff about being in limbo? screw it.

......

the past 36 hours felt like the longest journey of my life.. did it really happen? bonding with my 3-girl-clique (complete strangers) whilst stranded in heathrow at some god forsaken hour, due to the flight cancellation. when we finally boarded that plane, we went our separate ways. it was clean, detached. having spent a good 12 hours or so in each other's company, revealing semi-intimate details about our lives, only to have that magical spell broken once we went to our respective seats was... surreal.

the entire experience was surreal.

we disembarked the plane,
as strangers once again.

fret not! i wrote down their facebook email addresses, so it isn't the end.

2008-12-04T22:38:00.004Z

itinerary for bfff''s visit to singapore

shopping
orchard road - far east, wisma, heeren, cine? taka?
bugis - village
vivo city

culture
chinatown
little india
arab street/haji lane
ann siang

nightlife
zouk
canary?
MS
butter

chilling out
holland v - wala
sentosa - cafe del mar
book cafe
one rochester?
villa bali!

touristy
zoo
botanical gardens - picnic?/ breakfast?

supper/food
jalan kayu
thomson
dempsey - ps cafe?
***** (mine and roy's secret place)

I NEED SUGGESTIONS.

ANYONE. HELP PLEASE? man i'm so outta loop with the ins and outs of singapore. i wanna make sure mandi has the most fabulous time ever. *wistful* i wish lili was coming too, that would just make my year.

sigh. it's moments like this that i wish we had another car i could drive. seriously, it would just make my life so much easier :(

calling: emergency COT meeting. need. to. brainstorm. asap.

let me cry.

2008-11-18T17:59:00.005Z

take a deep breath victoria. deep breaths. honestly i don't think i can do this, i don't know how i'm supposed to get through second year - 3 essays (2 drafts and 1 i have yet to start) 8 seminar readings, 1 sketchbook, 1 scrapbook, 1 journal supposedly - i'm combining them all into one, JUST BECAUSE.) that feeling, you know the one where you feel like you're drowning but the waves just keep crashing down on you? that's the recurring feeling i've been having every. single. day. i've also become unbelievably emotional; getting teary eyed everytime i have to leave a familiar/loved one, ie: virgi, ngr etc. whenever i'm riding around in trains - alone - i get nostalgic and reminisce endlessly. about what could've and should've been, about how life could be so different if only...

yes, if i could do it all over again, i would: study in london, live/eat/work/play in london, kidnap the bffs and magically convince them to stay, rent a pastel coloured house in notting hill and live with said bffs, and so on and so forth.

i've heard this all before, because i've said, wished, dreamed, prayed for all of this at least a million times before, and look where it got me? nowhere. i'll only irritate myself (and everyone around me) further by harping on it anyway.

24 days till i go home.

dear god,
till that day comes,
please give me the strength
and courage i need to get through this.

LET ME CRY, LET ME CRY!
because i'm drowning and there's no one here to save me.

homesick.

2008-11-12T04:19:00.007Z

I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy, But I can't stop listening to the sound Of two soft voices Blended in perfection From the reels of this record that I've found.

Every day there's a boy in the mirror asking me What are you doing here? Finding all my previous motives Growing increasingly unclear.

I've traveled far and I've burned all the bridges I believed as soon as I hit land All the other options held before me, Would wither in the light of my plan.

So I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy, But there's only one thing on my mind Searching boxes underneath the counter, On a chance that on a tape I'd find. A song for someone who needs somewhere to long for.

Homesick. Because I no longer know where home is.

sunday night
made my way home amidst miserable weather (pouring rain) and the epitome of efficiency that is london's transportation system; the victoria line was closed so i rode on the circle line instead, there weren't any trains to rochester so i trained to meopham and took a replacement bus back to roch - seemed like forever. arrived around 1am, cabbed home, only to find myself locked out. i had my keys but the latch was on (it can only be unlocked from inside). i frantically called A but she was sleeping and didn't answer. NGR rung me, i was literally in the middle of reading out A's number to him when my phone died. great.

standing outside my front door, in the cold/rain, i panicked. the thought of being locked out till morning did not appeal one bit. i rapped on the door (simultaneously worried my neighbours would call the police) until my already white knuckles turned even whiter, and finally, i saw the light (flick on in the front room). A sleepily came downstairs, opened the front door, and i swear, i have never felt so relieved in my life.

anyway, my point was (haha. me and digression are best friends) - my sunday night spent riding around alone on trains, reminiscing about how it used to be with mandi/lili, homesick on repeat, contemplating CASS lectures on modernity; big cities vs. small towns, two words kept flashing in my head - alienation and fragmentation. feeling the unexplainable yet constant urge to burst into tears every 10 seconds. what's wrong with me?

homesick homesick homesick. *shrugs* it's about that time of year. i usually get homesick around winter. it's cold rainy dark and gloomy and it makes me nostalgic for the land of eternal sunshine. i promise to NEVER complain about the heat again.

2008-11-04T18:45:00.003Z

boys and girls, be warned: it sucks being an international student. (as is obvious from my facebook status)

not only do you pay 10 times what everyone else pays for school fees (bearing in mind, the total sum x exchange rate), organisations like erasmus only fund students within the EU. as an international student, you also have to pay additional fees for visas, residence permits and ON TOP OF THAT, you have to pay for the services of the people providing you with the visa. last but not least, health insurance is necessary for non-EU students. god knows what other charges might be added later on. cost of flight/train/bus + accommodation etc

jesus! (sorry for using your name in vain)

do i really want this? is this really worth it? what will i stand to gain from this experience? do i want a change of scenery this badly? am i willing to pay the price?

it's funny how you think you want something (only if it's free and easy), but the reality is, nothing in life is free. if you want something, first you gotta WORK for it and then you gotta PAY for it.

note: i don't even know whether i've got it or not. i haven't received any official word yet, and the first thing they do is send me the BILL. nice.

2008-10-27T17:17:00.016Z

latest additions to

the soundtrack of my life:

MGMT (album)

kings of leon (album)

to build a home, cinematic orchestra*

song beneath the song, maria taylor*

numb, portishead

my love, the bird and the bee

creator, santogold

bamboo banga, M.I.A.

get your freak on, missy elliot vs. the cure

singin' in the rain, mint royale

be be your love, rachael yamagata*

do what you have to do, sarah mclachlan*

barely breathing, duncan sheik

love song, sara bareilles

*FINALLY, i have it! i've been youtube-ing this song since like, forever.

my love

2008-10-26T01:45:00.003Z

<3<3<3

it's just one of those things.

2008-10-19T03:29:00.005+01:00

friday:
despite the previous weekend's high-jinx (officially-slash-unofficially the most ~~bestest~~ fun-filled weekend in london to date. will elaborate further) sitting on my suitcase at rochester station, awaiting the next train to london, all i could think of was how much i missed the lover - we haven't seen each other in 2 weeks! - and how funny it was that the thought alone of seeing him gave me butterflies in my tummy, a stark contrast to my unenthusiastic response to PCB's text.

note: PCB aka polish chef boy. i will explain!

saturday:
lunch, shopping and walking in islington, watched the duchess (good film!). virgi's friend's housewarming party; doing tequila shots + cinnamon + orange slices? (slight variation on the salt, tequila, lemon combo) topped off by polish vodka all night long (NOBODY warned me the polish were such hardened drinkers and that their vodka could knock. you. out. cold.) and knock us out it did. virgi passed out after a few rounds of tequila heh. her friend S found her cozily curled up in a comforter, in some random bed in the next room. it was the funniest sight to witness at a party in full swing.

that was only the start of the night. later, she topped off her knockout (har har) performance by somehow managing to lock herself in that room, which meant that we both had to sleepover that night. i couldn't well leave her there and go home by myself now, could i? and to think that just moments prior to that - perhaps anticipating her own passing out parade - she clung onto my arm, red-faced and finger waving in my face, reminding me to google 'addison lee' taxi services to bring us home.

admittedly at the start of the night, i was thoroughly intimidated at the thought of not knowing a single soul but as the night wore on and the vast amounts of alcohol consumed took its toll on me, i found myself acting like miss congeniality; dancing and swirling my white dress around the room (by myself, in front of everyone) in my own version of sexy, calling out to strangers by their first name like i'd known them since kindergarten, encouraging newfound friends/polish boys to breakdance and rap for me, drunkenly attempting to play the piano (egged on by the polish boys) whilst nearly falling off the makeshift stool, chatting up every tom dick and harry at the party.

proof of that being randomly tagged photos of me surfacing on facebook the very next day (note: super embarrassing tags that i do not wish to read ever again) and several numbers in my phone that i do not quite remember the who, the how or the when?

the morning after was... interesting, needless to say. rolled around to find myself next to some finnish girl. crept about and found my sister awake in the next room. having been asleep for like, ever! it was about damn time sleeping beauty awoke from her slumber. it was 730am by the way, when we got hungry and rummaged around for food, found a pack of sushi (she bought it for my dinner after the movie but the tequila on display swept all thoughts of food away). so at 730 in the morning, we were gobbling up sushi, okay fine, it was more me than she. she's on some diet.

as she made me fill her in on all the bits she missed post-passing out, boom! i suddenly remembered my little 'moment' with PCB. oops! it was at the end of the party, the guests had all left. PCB, me and another polish dude C went down to the kitchen to get some water. as much as they were plying me with alcohol, they also made sure that i drank lots of of water in between, which was probably why i did not feel sick or throw up OR have any type of hangover. after chatting for a bit, C got up and left, so it was just PCB and myself sitting side by side on the couch. my head was heavy and i asked if i could lie down for abit.

so there i was, my head on the lap of a perfect stranger, feet curled up on the couch, it was actually quite comfortable. as we were talking, he was slowly stroking my hair/arm and telling me i smelled nice, that virgi and i were beautiful (HAHA) and how my hair was so soft. pick up line? perhaps. it truly did not occur to me at that very moment, that there might've been anything remotely sexual about his actions.

according to virgi upon said confession, "all guys want the same thing!" and that the night before, S warned her "your sister's in danger, don't you know polish guys have an asian fetish?"

all i remember was thinking to myself: ahh.. how soothing. i felt like a child, curled up on his mother's lap as she pats him to sleep.

undoubtedly i felt some sort of guilt at sharing a special moment with a boy who wasn't my boyfriend (and one that i never thought i'd see again), but it was... nice. *shrugs* i can't explain it. it's just one of those things.

obviously i ran off and told my boyfriend every single detail, he was cool about it. a bit too cool might i add, but that's one of the reasons why i love him. he's the best!

continuation:
virgi left for spanish class at 9ish, so i slept until i woke up. the remaining 4 in the house: S, his housemate A, finnish girl and me + another dude went for indian lunch around the corner. great company! after that, i trekked down to notting hill (or somewhere around there) to meet up with the sister and B. sister left for her housemate P's b'day party so B and i walked around portobello, did some window shopping and had dinner together. once again, great company!

monday:
stayed indoors most of the day TRYING to do work, dinner at hoxton grill with virgi - i was thrilled because we'd walked past several times but never actually gone in before, and i have been absolutely DYING to check out the place. good food, good conversation. left london, went home.

THE END.

2008-10-15T21:25:00.002+01:00

MEREDITH: "It's not us. It's them. Them and their stupid boy penises.

stop cruelty to animals!

2008-10-14T17:56:00.003+01:00

word of warning: this is a horribly graphic. i had my hands over my face most of the way.

http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/armani_fur_investigation
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/US/09/16/abused.pigs.ap/index.html#cnnSTCVideo

i tried uploading the videos on my blog but for some reason it just refused to post, so i'm putting up the links instead.

TAKE ACTION AGAINST CRUELTY TO ANIMALS!

goodbye my lover!

2008-10-11T12:07:00.003+01:00

note: the playsuit mentioned below has been/will be returned and refunded.

spoke with mum over the phone. the recession has hit singapore hard, (without any knowledge of me having bought it) she asked me not to make any large purchases unless absolutely necessary, that i had enough clothes, shoes and bags etc. all the while i was staring at the topshop plastic bag in front of me, guilt seeping in faster than i'd imagined it would.

despite the fact that i've been salivating over it the past few days and dreaming about wearing it, i know that it is/was the right thing to do.

so long (my beloved playsuit), farewell!

that's 36 hard earned pounds going back in my bank account.

shopping day!

2008-10-08T22:00:00.015+01:00

what a glorious day!

the weather was breezy - neither hot nor cold - NGR's GAP jumper was suffice, worn over my sailor style jersey dress, grey stirrups, gold slippers. the girls and i packed ourselves into L's adorable can-of-sardines car and drove off to bluewater for a shopping daytrip. hurray!

first stop: topshop.

the loot - i walked off with a GORGEOUS silky crepe playsuit in black, with folds of fabric making up a draped neckline. i narrowed it down from the initial 6 items to the final 2. i must admit, it was truly a tough call; i had to decide between

a) said playsuit

and b) cream minidress with a hot pink lipstick print.
i'm not exaggerating here, it actually looked really good on me plus i felt super slim in it (i couldn't help but continuously sneak peeks in the dressing room mirrors). boning does WONDERS for the human form; it was boned throughout the bustier and teensy gathers below the waistline made it puff out just enough to be flattering, gradually tapering in and ending mid-thigh.

total and utter cuteness!

in the end, the playsuit trumped. backless-anything gets me every time. besides, i figured the lipstick-print dress was too distinctive. imagine this: you're at a party and someone else is wearing the same dress, you don't stand a chance at all. at least with the playsuit, you can dress it up and accessorize differently. also, i felt that a little sophistication would do me well. for one, i don't have anything like that in my wardrobe.

what can i say? when in doubt, opt for black.

needless to say, i spent the remainder of our time at bluewater wandering around with my head firmly in the clouds, daydreaming about my brand new ultrasleek playsuit; when and where to make its first appearance (house party vs. club), bare legs vs. tights, shoes (sexy leopard print stilettos/black+cream ankle boots/white faux snakeskin t-bars), accessories (tricky neckline calls for simple/minimal accessories - no necklaces, chunky bangles? gold hoop earrings?) hair (sexy chic - slight wave, a little untamed/messy, bangs brushed to the side)

ahh... i'm in love...

the subsequent trips to urban outfitters and zara proved equally fruitful. zara/- A disappeared for ages, eventually emerging with a cute black halter minidress and a fluffy caramel coloured angora jumper whilst L went for casual chic with a striped long-sleeved button down shirtdress and a long flowy cardi in cream + various gifts from UO.

drink(s) of choice: starbucks.

it was 5 hours later when we headed home, the sky had turned the most breathtaking shade of dusty pink, with hints of fluorescent orange highlighting the silhouette of the clouds. one of the most beautiful sights to behold...

it was a very good day indeed.

give me internet!!

2008-10-02T13:36:00.006+01:00

i don't want to admit this, but i think i might be technologically cursed. the internet at home, well technically the neighbour's, is down again. problems with my laptop are driving me up the wall. it's hard to say which one is worse - the lack of internet/communciation with the rest of the outside world is enough to make me want to beat something . it's so frustrating! i am in physical pain from not being able to check my emails, go on msn, blog, facebook... do ANY of the things that give my life meaning. haha. exaggeration much?

anyway i have to run. L has kindly offered to give me a lift to bluewater/lakeside where the boyfriend is coming to RESCUE ME from the dreaded rochester/chatham. actually, in all honesty, living here isn't so bad...

WHEN THERE IS INTERNET!!

toodles! i'm off to a better place... where the sun shines brightly and the grass is green and i can watch gossip girl/greys online :) WHEE!

no. more. drama.

2008-09-26T03:52:00.006+01:00

it's nearly 4am.
i should be getting to bed.
my eyes are getting teary
but this must be said.

I MISS MY LONG HAIR.

yes, again.

i was watching some korean boyband mtv, and the super skinny girl (disapproving tone. she looked as if a breeze could snap her limbs) in there had amazing hair. just like mine was, before i decided to go crazy at the hairdressers and chop it all off. luckily i stopped when i did, or else i would have gone all out natalie portman in 'closer'.

and for some CRAZY reason, the video made me think of that person. haven't thought of * in a long time. i was flipping through my diary yesterday and reread some old entries *shivers* i'm glad that disturbing part of my life is over. no. more. drama.

xoxo

faze me

2008-09-26T01:53:00.004+01:00

this is me, making good on my promise to blog more frequently - not that anyone cares ha ha - but *sigh* i must admit i have nothing remotely intelligent to say; call it lack of inspiration/writer's block, whatever. maybe i'm just... could it be...

god forbid! i could actually be happy?

anyone in the creative industry (or trying to get there) knows there's nothing worse than being happy and contented. they say, artists/poets/designers/musicians need to be starving and heartbroken in order to write beautiful songs/prose or create breathtaking designs. but happy? dammit. a little depression never hurt anyone. bring on the depression and i promise, I PROMISE, the writing will come naturally *grin*

one observation i've made of late, nothing seems to faze me anymore.

i don't know what it is exactly (can't quite put my finger on it) or how it happened, but it did. perhaps it's the constant travelling, the relocation from one place to another. singapore>uk>singapore>uk. rochester>london>rochester.
rochester>london>cambridge>london>rochester.

surely you get what i mean. new places, new faces. having to adapt to the country, city/town, culture, people, food...etc. the feelings of displacement i yap on about ever so often.

the first time i came over was probably the one and only time i truly allowed myself the luxury to feel afraid and to be overwhelmed by... their uniform of tracksuits (i don't believe i need to elaborate. it's like 'little britain' where i live, only these people are FOR REAL), the seedy drugged out atmosphere of camden, the intimidatingly stylish/stylishly intimidating people at brick lane, the row upon row upon row of shops at oxford circus TOPSHOP! is a gift sent from heaven aka arcadia group/sir philip green, the way the over/underground system - public transport in its entirety - was completely beyond my comprehension, the vastness of it all... the endless possibilites.. both amazed and terrified me.

i'm a person who needs boundaries. i need notebooks/diaries/journals with lines in them. i need to know how far to go. this lack of rules and regulations was...

liberating

but scarily so,

for awhile.

*wink*

have you ever stood motionless in the middle of london victoria? you should try it someday. it's an amazing feeling. like a breath of fresh air. well, it was... now i simply don't have the time to stand in the middle of london vic and people-watch. i suppose the novelty has worn off..

interesting fact #1
london is notorious for its public transportation; not only for its inefficiency and tendency to break down as and when, or the people on the overhead speakers thingy advising you to drink more water in summer, or for 100% (not ninety-nine, a hundred) commuters ignoring you/pretending you're invisible when you're bawling your eyes out on the train for 1.5 hours (i've read it's been known to happen to others, not just me. thank god)

interesting fact #2
the fact that being found in possession of certain drugs (depending on class) in singapore warrants the death penalty STUNNED my classmates, because over here, rumour has it that everyone knows someone who knows a dealer. the parties we attended, to my knowledge were simply get-togethers for the freshers to mingle and er, drink themselves into oblivion? apparently everyone else knew that drugs were being used, they said they could smell it in the air - i just assumed it was bad ventilation.

you know, this is so typical of me, to go off on a tangent... i almost forgot why i started talking/writing about all this in the first place. i was watching grey gardens, our lecturer J recommended we see it. it's a documentary; it's real, unscripted, a million times more 'reality' than the crap shows we see on tv nowadays. who really cares if 'LC can't dictate all our lives' or whether denise richards' life post-bond girl/charlie sheen divorce is truly 'complicated'? honestly, who. gives. a shit. (don't blame me for quoting them. there are far too many advertisements on tv)

my point is, when J mentioned that they were both loony and that one of them wears cardigans on her head in place of scarves, it was completely ludicrous, and hilarious. we all burst out laughing. however when i watched it, i didn't laugh (well, i did. just once.. because in the first scene she referred to her outfit as 'the revolutionary outfit' or something to that effect) hence the tangent about being UNFAZED. aha! i bet you were waiting for it.

the ending just made me want to cry. it was real, it was funny and honest. they were both such entertaining characters, true to themselves. it's rare to find such people nowadays, who live in a world of their own and aren't afraid to say it is so.

when it rains, it pours.

2008-09-23T13:55:00.001+01:00

Look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go

the following list is self-explanatory
been. very. busy.

1) returned from my tropical (ha ha) escape to phuket
2) carol fell ill, went to the doctor's 4 times, finally admitted to TTS
3) busy planning (+ executing) shoot for my summer project
4) returned to the UK
5) slept for 20 hours straight on my first night back (i even missed dinner!)
6) went to ROC to sign the tenancy, get a first look at my new house, pay school fees
7) had a mad furniture shopping ~~day~~ weekend with v1 & st. julian @ ikea
8) back at ikea (lakeside) with NGR, more furniture shopping
9) drove down from cambridge>ROC at least 4 times to move my stuff
10) moved in (at last!), unpacked
11) start of school :(
12) tim walker + viktor & rolf exhibition in london
13) now i've fallen ill, sore throat, feverish, HUGE ulcer, sniffling :(:(:(

erm, let's see.. have i missed out anything? oh yes, sorry i haven't been updating for-EVER. too much was happening at the time, and i simply could not find the words to say it all.

xoxo

p/s: have you seen the latest episode of gossip girl? OMFG.

2008-08-20T15:21:00.001+01:00

Status: Victoria is currently away.

2008-08-19T20:38:00.002+01:00

wednesday - lunch with claire and ms anne, 12pm. thursday - dinner with jol at serangoon gardens, 7pm. friday - lunch/shopping with jacky, 1pm. manda's birthday celebration at zouk, 10pm. saturday - mum's birthday dinner at raffles marina, 6pm. sunday - zouk flea market with jacky/roy, 2pm + dinner and movie.

2008-08-12T18:52:00.004+01:00

since i hardly venture outdoors these days, i make a conscious effort to step out in my finest threads on the rare occasion that i DO leave the house...

monday: dinner with gen & drea. outfit: white pussybow top with sweetheart neckline (hard to imagine) tucked into a high-waisted black pencil skirt (double button detail at waist) paired with two-tone cream/tan sensible shoes with black elastic detail and big brown bag (BBB). neckline accentuated by cream/grey/baby blue plastic shapes necklace. top H&M, skirt primark, shoes and bag charles & keith, necklace urban outfitters.

tuesday: dinner with sweetie & babylamb. outfit: long white tank worn casually over black skinny jeans paired with strappy chocolate brown leather heels and BBB, the statement piece being a sharply tailored red & navy pinstriped blazer. a simple gold heart locket pulls the look together. top warehouse, jeans and blazer topshop, shoes zara, bag charles & keith, locket H&M.

voila!

it gives me an unexplainable sense of delight to look well put-together (to myself at least), be it in a sharp blazer or gorgeous vintage dress... i love coming up with a new look every time i go out (to town), usually centering it around a specific item such as a funky shoe or particular print. dismiss it as cheap thrills, but to each his own i say.

do what you have to do.

2008-08-05T17:14:00.016+01:00

*edit

I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have the sense to recognize but
I don’t know how to let you go

i've been practically hermit-like in my stayathome stance (under the guise of quality family bonding) for the past 2.5-3 weeks [evidence of this provided by my own MOTHER's remarks (to my friends at my dinner party) on how i'd been at home almost every single day since my return].

happy to languish in the bliss of going to bed/waking up/doing whatever, whenever i please and not having to shoulder the weight of dealing with... society, until a not-so-gentle reminder from gen hits me like a ton of bricks; at the end of the month i'll be leaving AGAIN! so it's 'bout damn time i awaken from my deep/lazy summer slumber and re-immerse myself in society slash orchard road, regardless of how much i occasionally despise/avoid certain members of... society. (predominantly male, in case you were wondering. on second thought, it's a tie on the hate-count between both sexes.)

notice my use of the word 'occasionally', *shrugs* it's not like i duck under the carseat whenever mum drives past certain houses in the estate. oops, wait, wasn't that just last week... ?

doctor/dentist appointments, CT scans, lasik surgery/recovery aside, i'm ready and raring to go! calling up old friends for lunches and dinners and suppers and drinks. you name it... it's on 'the list'.

plans, puh-plans plans plans.

monday - dinner with jobi & manda 7pm, TCC or coffee club? (can't remember which one) back to jobi's for an impromptu playdate with the terrifyingly hyper dino. small dogs scare me. fur-real. status: oh how i've missed (insert: bitchy) singaporean girltalk.

*outfit: cream tailored vest, topshop. (free!) long/thin white tank, warehouse. black high-waisted shorts, topshop. black mini-gladiators with gold studs. red fringe slingbag, H&M.

fyi: my singlish has made a full-on comeback.

tuesday - couch potato tendencies take over. status: grey's anatomy season 1 reruns on star world rock my socks.

wednesday - lunch/voxpop with jacky in town, 1236pm. dinner with gen at holland v, 6pm. status: singapore is dangerously short of interesting people. seriously, seriously!

*outfit: ribbed white tank, esprit. brown elastic waist double-buckle belt. multicoloured floor length indian skirt. chocolate strappy leather heels, zara. big brown bag (BBB), charles & keith.

thursday - lunch with claire at jalan kayu, 1pm. status: raincheck, lunch next wed with claire & ms anne.

friday - lunch/shopping with nat, dinner with gen & ~~josh~~ 7pm, ~~drinks afterward - pp to join us.~~ status: done and done.

*outfit: brown vintage dress with pleat detail + gold sash. lime & gold wedges, (i forgot the name of the shop) BBB.

saturday - brunch with jon at cartel, 11am. status: i am so NOT a morning person. never will be.

*outfit: essential white summer dress, topshop. big blue wooden beads, topshop. black flip flops. BBB.

sunday - nothing planned so far.

people on the have-yet-to-meet list:
makeupgroup - pauline/cindy, quek/shanee, andrea, mel, jess, desmond, jpoh, vishal, lyn/ats people, topshop - licco/car/jada, sherl? andrew?

xoxo

you know you love me.

2008-08-03T21:22:00.003+01:00

I CANNOT FIND MY LIGHT GREY URBAN OUTFITTERS TANK TOP (which is the perfect grade of thin) AND IT'S DRIVING ME TO THE BRINK OF INSANITY.

i kissed a girl, and i liked it.

2008-07-29T12:21:00.003+01:00

ON HIATUS

2008-07-24T12:05:00.006+01:00

sorry for the lack of posts. alot has been going on lately (typical response for you and me, right deb? haha); a weekend in paris, our sojourn to the countryside for NGR's supervisor's wedding and my journey back to singapore that seemed to take FOREVER.

i haven't recovered from jetlag as yet. been hiding out at home, resting, seeing a select few close friends. on monday i actually ventured out into the real world, lunch with roy at our secret place, browsing the shops at far east then dinner and 'the dark knight' with jacky, followed by supper at jalan kayu.

last week
had to undergo a CT scan (which entails lying motionless in that tunnel-like machine often seen on shows like grey's anatomy and house) for my persistent stomach problems, sent my laptop in for repair at HP (which also explains the lack of online activity)

last night
went for a talk regarding lasik (mum and i are considering our options, we have yet to attend the pre-surgery evaluation on wed)

~~i have much to write about.~~ ~~be right back.~~ on second thought, i need a break. now's as good a time as any. i just wanna wake up each day, spend time with the people i love, and not have to think. at all.

2008-07-11T11:09:00.004+01:00

Victoria is suddenly missing the makeupgroup (jobi pauline cindy) very very much.

2008-07-08T16:40:00.003+01:00

In life, you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance . . . always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.

- Persepolis

(borrowed off v1's blog)

fairytale

2008-07-07T19:34:00.003+01:00

Cinderella’s on her bedroom floor she’s got a
Crush on the guy at the liquor store
Cause Mr. Charming don’t come home anymore
And she forgets why she came here.
Sleeping Beauty’s in a foul mood for shame she says,
None for you dear prince, I’m tired today.
I’d rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming

’Cause I don’t care for your fairytales
You’re so worried 'bout the maiden though you know
She’s only waiting on the next best thing

Snow White is doing dishes again cause what else can you do
With seven itty-bitty men?
Sends them to bed and she calls up a friend, says will you meet me at midnight?
The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says,
Would have cut it myself if I knew men could climb hair
I’ll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows.

’Cause I don’t care for your fairytales
You’re so worried 'bout the maiden though you know
She’s only waiting on the next best thing
Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom
Man made up a story said that I should believe him
Go and tell your white knight that he’s handsome in hindsight
But I don’t want the next best thing
So I sing and hold my head down and I break these walls 'round me
Can’t take no more of your fairytale love

’Cause I don’t care for your fairytales
You’re so worried 'bout the maiden though you know
She’s only waiting on the next best thing
I don’t care
I don’t care
You worry bout the maiden though you know
She’s only waiting spent her whole life being graded on the
Sanctity of patience and a dumb appreciation
But the story needs some mending and a better happy ending
’Cause I don’t want the next best thing
No, no I don’t want the next best thing.

be prepared.

2008-07-02T01:02:00.005+01:00

guess who i saw on saturday at portobello?

*drumroll*

......................

...............................

.................................................

..................................................................

REESE WITHERSPOON AND JAKE GYLLENHAAL!!!!!!!!!

J (sister's friend) and i were sitting and waiting for her to emerge from the loo when i saw two VERY familiar faces walk past the cafe we were in - giveaway: jake's hoodie + aviators and reese's black hat + short crop. i had just seen a picture of her wearing the same black hat over her newly cropped do a few days ago on pinkisthenewblog.com, which was a crucial factor in their identification. i couldn't even speak. i just grabbed J's arm and started jumping up and down excitedly, wildly pointing at the window. okay i think i might have yelled, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I JUST SAW!?!!??" again and again, while J stared at me wordlessly. there were other people inside the cafe at this time, and i am without doubt that they thought i was insane.

i had actually calmed down (give or take a few minutes and more screaming/jumping) but when my sister finally came out of the loo, J suggested that (actually i'm not sure who suggested it but someone planted the idea in my head) we follow them. before either of them could register my plot, i dragged both of them down the street, one in each hand/arm. my poor sister was tripping in her heels from trying to catch up with me, but i was UNSTOPPABLE. my heart was pounding, i had never felt so alive!

i begged J to help me take a photo on his iphone (i'm not sure what it's called..) rarr. i had been toting around my camera in my bag the ENTIRE week after we went to paris but on that very morning, i took it out and left it at home. damn it! my camera had wayy better zoom than J's phone. after a couple of unsuccessful shots with my finger in the lens, and the tiniest photo of their backs as they walked away (they resembled ants) i gave up. J said dryly, "stick to your day job" or "you'd never make it as a paparazzi". either of them, i can't recall which one though. haha

lesson learnt; from now onwards, i'm bringing my camera wherever i go.

"BE PREPARED" once a (girl) guide, always a guide.

gay ole paris!

2008-06-20T18:57:00.006+01:00

off to paris later tonight for a quick weekend getaway. no fixed itinerary so far - which is exactly how we like it - just the hopes of exploring the city whilst scouring our way through the flea markets scattered throughout plus a serious intention to party-hearty, something we ALL haven't done in awhile.

i am in DIRE NEED of a party. hmm.. i'm no party animal, but clubbing in paris, that should be fun, yes? *fingers crossed* i do hope paris leaves a better impression this time around. the last time we went, the people were absolutely horrid and the lourve was on strike. fun fun fun.

i am writing a to-do-list as we speak; things to pack etc etc. as is typical of my pre-travel behaviour, i have yet to pack my bags (though it's only for a couple of days so that shouldn't take too long) but still... i'd better get to it. (god. how english did that sound?) we leave in 3 hours.

AHH.

xoxo

p/s: wishing mandili were here (ref. to paris)

p/p/s: LILI IF YOU READ THIS, PLEASE. COME. TO. SINGAPORE. IN. DECEMBER.

cafe 1001

2008-06-15T19:47:00.015+01:00

last week was a whirlwind of fun! (exclamation mark for extra emphasis)

thursday
bought the most amazing oversized knitted shrug from a REISS sample sale at brick lane - it was exactly what i was looking for. we just so happened to be there, whereas others were physically hunting it down. twice, people ran up to me asking where the REISS sale was (having seen the bag in my hand). ooh knowledge is power. fyi: the shrug was originally £95; the sale price was written as £20, but it could have easily been a squiggly £10. when i brought it up to the till, the guy was making small talk and throughout the entire transaction i was still thinking: let it be £10. please, let it be £10. he charged me £15!! carla and i kept very quiet/calm, but the second we stepped out the store, we both turned to each other and exclaimed: he charged you/me £15!! i did a little jig on the spot.

lunched at cafe 1001. i had heard about it so many times by so many different people that it had practically been drilled into my subconscious. NGR and i always walk past and sniff at the aromatic burger/hotdog stand whilst checking out the colourful crowd seated at the benches but we never properly ventured in before. by the way, it is fantastic.

upstairs is chock full of comfy sofas, chilled out music playing, people sitting crosslegged on armchairs with their laptops, in their laps. an example of just how chilled out the atmosphere was; some guy started playing the saxophone (out of nowhere!) carla and i were chatting over our food when we heard the sound of a saxophone. we turned around and there he was, surrounded by his friends. totally and completely out of the blue. how random is that huh?

the rest of the day consisted of: running around london on errands, meeting up with carla's friends D and J, back to cafe 1001 so they could have dinner. J was a blast. she whipped out 2 bottles from her bag; one was vodka and i'm not sure what the other was. we all had drinks. then we headed off to UCCA's graduate photography exhibition, which was located somewhere in brick lane/shoreditch.

i surprised myself; i had such a good time socialising (that i made a deal with myself not to be holed up in my room and to make a conscious effort to mix around [next year]). i conversed with some of the seniors from my course and other people i'd never spoken to before. sure, meeting new people for the first time is slightly strange/awkward for me, but hey, alcohol always helps. they were serving red/white plus stew (the name of the exhibition was called stew), so it was fitting.

i stopped drinking after a few glasses, because i know myself *the look* but D and J were such a riot! firstly i noticed that D was started to sway and the wine in her glass was sloshing out at random intervals, then they started banging on the piano when the sign in front of them read "please keep quiet" hahaha. we left as the exhibition was clearing out, owen the dancing queen wanted to party into the night but we went back to cafe 1001 instead (yes, again) to meet J's boyfriend and grab some food. after a bit, carla and i bravely decide to leg it, from brick lane to shoreditch/old street.

on the way home, carla gets hungry. so we make a pit stop at some shop along the street. while we're there, i notice the dapperly dressed indian guy next to me picking up his wrap and telling his similarly suited friend 'not to leave alex alone.' i turn and see his friend (let's call him B) leave the shop and stand next to 'alex'. oh, who am i kidding? i noticed alex even before we entered the shop, he was really cute :) but weirdly enough, he was talking to a bunch of filthy looking guys, probably drunks. so B positions himself next to alex, and it seems like they're saying goodbye when suddenly i see alex raise his third finger and go "fuck you!"

uh-oh.

it was like the gates of hell were opened. cans came flying at them like missiles and their suits were completely doused in beer. they were standing outside the shop, the other two trying to break up the fight while alex stood there dumbstruck. the drunk was shouting "don't EVER tell me to fuck off!!!!" but after some convincing, he and his posse walked away, kinda. i reached out to offer the suits tissue when another guy walks in with two girls. he's not a drunk but he IS drunk (get it?). he notices the suits and yells, "don't offer them anything! they don't deserve it. where are you from?!?!... goldman sachs!? BASTARDS! i'm a bartender, i should know!"

in my head i'm going: damn straight but i say nothing because a) they may not be from goldman sachs b) even if they were, i'm sure A SELECT FEW are actually decent human beings. plus i felt sorry for them. before any of us could react. the drunks come back, kick alex once or twice and run away. all that comes to mind is the fight scene between hugh grant and colin firth at the end of bridget jones diary. it's such an un-manly way to fight, come on, kicking someone's leg?? all this while, the italian guy behind the counter tries to open the door and bring the men in, to keep them safe from the drunks but the IDIOT bartender is holding it shut, telling him not to help them. asshole. why are men so idiotic? it's always about them and their bloody egos.

out of the blue, alex breaks from his reverie and runs after the drunks. the italian man is yelling, "don't let him go after them. it's dangerous out there!" carla and i are terrified, being caught in the middle of a fight, it was really quite scary when the drunks came back because we were just about to leave but had to retreat into the store once again to keep out of harm's way. the second alex ran off to chase the drunks, carla and i left, without buying anything. the stupid bartender told us not to be afraid, but i felt like saying "ignorant people like you are reason enough for us to be afraid."

he had absolutely NOTHING to do with the fight but was simply adding fuel to the fire. we need less of these kind of fools around. tsk. all they do is cause additional trouble. them plus those drunks and maybe alex, for being dumb enough. good god.

friday, to be continued...

2008-06-12T12:11:00.012+01:00

this is gonna be a super brief scribble, i have a lunch date with carla in brick lane in less than an hour and i haven't even gotten ready yet. AHH!

been staying at v1's place, it's alot nicer than her previous refugee-camp of an apartment. since she's been away for work in turkey, i have the whole room to myself - not that that's any consolation because every single square inch of space was covered in a patchwork of clothes when i took my first step in. i felt like i was back in mandi's room again haha. (shhh don't tell mandi)

note: i apologise for the random spaces in between, my sister's flatmate's mac doesn't seem to have a functioning delete/backspace key.

it's been interesting. grocery shopping at the co-op nearby, cooking risotto whilst listening to aretha franklin and foo fighters (weird mix huh), taking long walks to the park and settling down with a book (in the past 2 days i've finished reading 'oranges are not the only fruit' and 'the curious incident of the dog at night time'. next up, murakami?) while the wind blows up my skirt, or snuggling in a cosy corner of the house with a mug of hot chocolate. hmmm.. i like.
everytime i'm alone in the house, my mind goes into overdrive. i keep wondering what it would be like if mandili were here, and we shared a lovely little place like this; how we would decorate it, what kind of fri/sat-night routine we would have.. etc
dinner with alex last night was fantastic; indian food @ imli and crepes in soho (everytime i walked past crepeaffaire, i expressed my desire to try it out now i finally have and it was just as yummy as i imagined), drinks off carnaby street @ C'est ici.

and now, i better scoot off to make myself presentable for lunch with little miss malta :)

be back soon, i hope.

xoxo

cyborg #2046 version vic.

2008-05-13T12:34:00.007+01:00

busy busy busy. this week's been a crazy hectic mess;

sun
afternoon/night - trend research for mini mag/monday's pitch & crit

mon
morning - pitch & crit(ique of concept)

tues
morning/afternoon - journalism tutorials

evening - buying/"loaning" 150 pounds worth of clothes/shoes/accessories for shoot

night - explaining concept to photographer + model, making to-do-lists, shoot prep

wed
morning - my shoot

afternoon - A's test shoot/shoot prep

evening/night - L's shoot prep

thurs
morning - L's shoot (yours truly was le model. i had to get into character for her ultra-futuristic concept; think jet black razor sharp bob, thick black eyeliner, fake sweeping lashes, pale skin, black lips. i'd like to call it: cyborg #2046 version vic.)

afternoon/evening - A's shoot (her models cancelled so i had to step in as resident model for the day. eek! hers was pretty-pretty girly and romantic-y. all soft waves and natural makeup.)

so far, no time to eat a proper cooked meal, been feasting on M&S dark choc digestives (i've gotten through one pack already and it's only been 2 days since i bought it). haven't been able to reply emails or update my beloved blog, or facebook, to say the least *the look*

it's been utter chaos, unfortunately i foresee more to come in the following week, given that our deadline has now been moved forward a day.

damn you ...

teacher.. people!

RARR.

stress.

2008-04-14T15:23:00.007+01:00

stress. stress. dinner. stress. sleep. surprise visit from the boyfriend = happy. sleep. stress. wake up. stress. brunch. stress. stress. dinner. stress. stress. stress. stress. sleep. wake up. stress. breakfast. stress. stress. lunch. stress.

it goes on. quite repetitive really.

note: my life will only resume after the essay and the PR project have been submitted. there will be no blogging until the end of this week or start of next week at least.

adios amigos.

online grocery shopping!

2008-04-08T19:49:00.007+01:00

*edit

alas! the day has come. i have attained a higher level of sloth, i. am. sloth. or... maybe this is just an indicator of how i can't be arsed to leave my flat, walk into chav-tham and buy groceries. i'd rather starve (good for losing that extra 5kg) or survive on instant food (campbell soup, instant porridge, milo 3-in-1, mee goreng) - which i have been for the past 6 months - till i wake up one day and find that i've turned into an instant noodle.

winter is over, so why aren't my hibernation tendencies leaving me? spring is (supposedly) here; time to frolic in the sun! but ahh.. the infamously unpredictable uk weather has decided to act up once again; leaving us with hot summer illusions one week (think: no coat, no jeans. just tights and thongs - footwear, not underwear) followed by SNOW! the next. i had made up my mind to don a pretty frock and run some errands (groceries included) on sunday, but then i awoke to find it snowing. again.

[ it was a truly spectacular sight, i must admit. i whipped out my camera and took some videos for mandili - i know how much they wanted to see it snow in rochester. sitting in bed, propped against the window sill, still wrapped in my comforter, chatting on the phone with the lover and watching snowflakes swirling around in circles - it was so very soothing on my nerves. one of the most perfect ways to start my sunday morning - almost beats sleep-in-sundays. almost. ]

hence, i present you with ONLINE GROCERY SHOPPING! - the best thing to happen to me to since luncheon meat (which i most definitely stocked up on) along with all my basic necessities: bread, milk, eggs, juice, fruits, rice, pasta, pasta sauce, cheese, ham, dark chocolate & ginger cookies.. etc. the list goes on.. and on. this ensures that i don't have to leave my flat for the remaining 6 weeks of school (i hope) or at least until my deadlines are over next week. with the bill i rung up, i have a feeling most of it will last till summer - which is basically when we have to get our asses (so american, the boy would say) out of halls.

note: the last time i was this psyched about something over the internet was when i had to book my driving lessons online, i compared it to stocks and shares. oooh.... exciting.

there there baby,

2008-04-06T17:30:00.000+01:00

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

imogen heap

2008-04-01T03:56:00.003+01:00

two days, two declarations.

who knew love could make one so repetitive?

bear with me *grin*

it's not often that i allow myself

the option of wearing my happiness on my sleeve

without residual feelings of guilt.

too much to stomach?

tough.

oh, just bite me

vodka and fudge *edit

2008-03-27T21:51:00.035Z

"Sometimes the only thing that works is fudge. And vodka. Vodka and fudge. My mother would be so proud... "

... ...

"You know what? This is the perfect end to the worst day."

"Ever ever ever."

"Hear hear."

cashmere mafia

i was watching this episode (5:17) of cashmere mafia on youtube.

believe me, i can relate.

bitching sessions over fudge and vodka; i could so mentally picture us in our pastel coloured flat sitting pretty atop notting hill, lounging around the living room after a shitty day at work. just sitting eating and talking - girl-bonding ya know? - cracking each other up with asian jokes and getting drunk (more so with mandi and myself, not so much lili - unless, over time we've magically managed to convince her of the merits of inebriation).

i admit, i often imagine life sans bfff-departure. i imagine it to be perfect. the perfect friends, flatmates, travel companions, partners in crime.

after a hectic 9-5 (unrealistically speaking), coming home to a warm and cosy safe haven, preparing dinner together, sharing our woes (either work, boy or life in general), having spontaneous britney spears-backstreet boys singalongs on youtube. random hugs to fulfil the daily quota. being part of the chic notting hill crowd; coffee at cafes on weekends or sipping tea and nibbling cupcakes as we people-watch from our doorstep. thank-god-it's-friday night drinks in soho. buying fresh fruit/flowers whilst chowing down on assorted food from street stalls in portobello on saturday afternoon. sunday brunch and vintage shopping at brick lane/spitalfields market.

sigh sigh sigh.

life could be so perfect.

this is the way it should be
and given time,
this is the way it WILL be.

i am a chinese pirate!

2008-03-17T01:38:00.013Z

cute incident of the month!

after having an italian lunch, our motley crew (consisting of myself, NGR, his sister and her manfriend) headed to a couple of chinese grocery stores on the prowl for.. - erm, correction: i was on the prowl for chilli sauce, specifically MAGGI chilli sauce.

note: it's not just some ordinary chilli sauce, i eat it with everything: ham & cheese sandwiches, salad, fried rice, mandi's hash browns/potato wedges.. etc. if i could carry it with me everywhere i go, you know i would *the look* mandili can vouch for me!

the first store was a disappointment, so we moved onto the second - bigger - selection. upon stepping into the store, i squealed and did a little hop skip and jump when i spotted the familiar maggi logo. somewhere mid-hop, my antics caught the eye of a little sandy haired english boy - no more than 6 or 7 - who stopped what he was doing and turned to give me a cheeky grin. seeing that he looked highly amused - probably secretly happy to see an 'adult' act just like a little kid - even i felt a tiny bit abashed (for all of 5 seconds) to have caused such a reaction. hee

it was maggi after all, but not the type of chilli sauce i wanted :(

later on, while browsing the instant noodles shelf, i turned around to see him running about, only to stop and hide behind a box when he noticed me looking right at him. i waved and grinned back. soon, he was playing hide and seek with me through the sacks of rice.

at the checkout, he clambered into his father's arms, pointed at me and exclaimed "chinese pirate!" why pirate? i asked (thinking more along the lines of the kid having watched too much "pirates of the carribean", no other plausible explanation coming to mind) i think he then gestured to my large hoop earrings in response. ahhh.. it slowly dawned on me.

his father was quite apologetic (perhaps afraid i might take offence. on the contrary, i was thoroughly tickled) and offered by way of explaining, "we just got back from beijing. besides, you're not chinese, are you?" i smiled and replied, "i am chinese." "mixed" i added, noticing the confusion on his face. more nodding. polite banter about my instant noodles. wiggling my fingers and poking fun at the boy. sooooo adorable. rarr. there i go again, god i'm clucky.

I AM A CHINESE PIRATE!
hee hee hee

a crazy chinese pirate.

spring is here!

2008-02-28T14:14:00.018Z

this is my idea of heaven... honestly, i can't even begin to describe how faneffingtastic this feels.

my submission's over. what a weight off my shoulders, literally. it's such a relief - to be able to breathe normally again. i haven't slept properly in days so this hyperness you're currently witnessing is me running on pure adrenaline, anticipating the eventual crash and burn.

status: out of the shower and straight into bed. chillin' in my bathrobe, hair wrapped turban-style, propped up against my pillows and drowning in my fluffy comforter *deep sigh of contentment* at long last, i had a bath - my hair's been washed and conditioned, my skin feels fresh/clean/taut and all of my nerve senses seem to be simultaneously moaning in pleasure (from the extended blast of hot water).

god i don't ever wanna get out of bed. as it is, i've arranged everything so that all my basic necessities are within an arm's length. the furthest i'm willing to go is.. my desk. anything beyond that is not worth the effort. laptop? check! brownies? (i decided to indulge myself today, and am pigging out on the sainsbury brownies sitting innocently on my bed) check! milk? check! good book? check! phones? check check! if anyone knocks on my door tonight, i'm feigning ignorance. hey, but what are the odds of that happening? *smirk*

after handing in my work, love and i left school and headed to town together. there was a spring/bounce in my step that wasn't there before.. i spied with my little eye; bright yellow and purple flowers blooming on the hill - SPRING IS HERE! i've never seen a more beautiful sight! i was forewarned about the month of february; the peak of winter, the deathly cold, the depressing lack of sunshine, the hibernation tendencies, the putting on of weight.. before i knew it, february came and ~~left~~ is leaving! the air seems fresher, the sun seems to shine brighter - the world seems to be even more glorious than when i last saw it.

MAJOR SHOPPING DAY
at everyone's favourite stop for disposable fashion: primark. my tummy was surprisingly flat - probably wishful thinking on my part, in addition to the fact that i hadn't consumed anything at all today - the look: sexy secretary. i left with a high-waisted pencil skirt and some thongs [as in the footwear, not the underwear. i don't do thongs.] in preparation for spring/summer 08 (2 GBP a pair, i couldn't resist, they were calling out my name!) in an undescribable neon-ish green, but not quite.

as i strolled home i decided to zip into the vintage store down the street from halls. browsing the racks of the women's section proved futile, nothing catching my eye. however, i reaped an unexpected reward - read: a gorgeous vintage men's dress shirt - whilst moseying around the men's section. the second i laid my eyes on it, i knew i had to have it. + sweet pintuck detailing on the chest [like most dress shirts] and super soft/luxurious to the touch.

plus, it had the cutest label ever, i'm a sucker for pretty things that way *rolls eyes*

i tried it on with my pencil skirt; it was love at first sight. just what i had in mind, paired with heeled ankle boots. worn alone, i mentally pictured it with my mum's vintage bowtie-looking belt cinching the waist and black opaque tights, maybe converses. or flats. could go either way. i was so enamoured by it (that and i was too lazy to change back into my clothes) i asked the lady manning the shop if i could walk out wearing the shirt *grin* always wanted to do that.

when it came time to pay up, i rooted around my purse and came up short! i only had 5 GBP, the shirt was 8.50 GBP *pout* with no HSBC atm around for miles, and the shirt already on my back, images of me scrubbing the floor to pay for the difference came to mind. in a stroke of luck, the lady shrugged and said that 5 GBP would do. *claps hands in glee* my first words: seriously?!? i was worried she would get in trouble with her boss, turns out she IS the boss.

i salute you, ladyboss! as you can tell, i'm not used to random acts of kindness..

what a steal! see, not having cash on you CAN be a good thing. hee hee.

tra la la la la... damn. if only i didn't have class tomorrow, i would pack up and head straight for NGR's :(:(:( sigh. missing the boy already.

on repeat: "the greatest" cat power,
"all i need" radiohead.

me and my stella.

2008-02-27T14:55:00.009Z

<3<3<3
victoria loves her new perfume.

moments ago, i spritzed myself with stella in two (peony),

just because.

nope i'm not going to school or leaving my flat, heck even my room, for that matter. i'm currently in hibernation and i have the sainsbury receipts to prove it. i've bought enough food supplies to last me a couple of weeks - give or take - without having to leave the comfort of my room.

i simply felt like smelling pretty.. i've gone farrr too long without a scent to call my own. especially since forgetting to bring my CK one back with me to the uk twice. besides, i've been hunting for a new scent since forever. i think i outgrew CK one years ago, i just never managed to finish the bottle haha. thinking back on what NGR said, it really was the ubiquitous perfume of the 90s.

that said, i'm 21 now; coming of age, being a woman and all that jazz.. i wanted something that subtly turned heads and spoke volumes without me having to utter a word: I AM WOMAN. HEAR ME ROAR. *grin* not literally of course, but you know what i mean. i was weary of being treated like/viewed as a little girl, though i know my behaviour warrants that title - on the rare occasion *smirk*

for awhile i had my head set on either for her by narcisso rodriguez or lovely by sjp, fyi they have several common ingredients. however, for her was too overpowering (tried/tested: it was hard to eat when all you could smell was your perfume and not the aroma of your food) and lovely was too delicate - it gave me the impression of a limp-wristed ultra-feminine lady about-to-faint (no offence to those who wear it, it's a lovely scent just not for me.. i'm not exactly the ultra feminine type.. neither am i a... lady) i was looking for something tougher, with a touch of androgyny.. less flowery, more girl power! none of that cotton candy saccharine sweetness please (case in point: flowerbomb by viktor & rolf. ah cheung please don't kill me heh)

all in all, i'm really quite hard to please - scent-wise. nothing tickled my fancy until.. stella in two. when i flew home for christmas and then back again, i was constantly in and out of airports. inevitably, i spent alot of time hanging around waiting aimlessly and browsing duty free. the first time we crossed paths, it instinctively reminded me of YKW, (you know me *shrug* and my obsession with scents) so i sprayed a little on the tester card and kept it in my littleblackbook. subsequently, everytime i passed by duty free, i would squirt a little on myself (also for the sake of the passenger sitting next to me on the plane haha. you never know who you might end up next to. always be prepared!) and i was taken aback (pleasantly) by the way it made me feel: good *raises eyebrows* reaally good.

fast-forward to last week: i smsed mum to ask v1 to keep an eye out for it when she passes through duty free on her way back. she bought it, i got it. now i'm a v. happy nice-smelling girl. yay.

... that concludes the story of stella and i.

<3<3<3

you snooze you lose.

2008-02-22T11:11:00.006Z

the result of continuous snoozing: waking up at 915, 920, 930 and finally 945. i literally tumbled out of bed in alarm upon seeing the time. the perks of going to bed with freshly washed hair is waking up with perfectly tousled just-got-out-of-bed waves - exactly how i like it.

i threw on a quirky bkk printed tee, a newly purchased red button-down h&m cardigan, black topshop skinnies, trusty charcoal converses and a cutesy knitted white beanie (to partially disguise my bedhead), grabbed my brown leather slingbag and was out the door before anyone could say, "breakfast?" upon reaching the top of the steep path - still huffing and puffing - i bump into a couple of classmates and instantly do a double take, my still-in-dreamland head going: what the hell? apparently the lecturer called in sick, so no class today. damn! annoyed for no real reason of importance, i actually stamped my foot and did a little frustrated jig on the spot. haha. i wish i had stayed in bed. better yet, done as NGR had suggested and taken the train over to his last night. sigh.

stupid stupid stupid.

basically, i was out and in my flat within the span of 12 minutes. this blows.

little miss independent

2008-02-19T01:19:00.008Z

sometimes, i really hate being female.

because along with my fondness for all things pink - amongst other factors - entails a perpetual state of being over-emotional (increasingly evident in the recent month or so), the perfect example being.. err, right now?

i just got off the phone with my mother. uh-oh. that can never be good.

she screamed. i screamed. (that never gets us anywhere but it doesn't stop us from doing it) she screamed some more. basically, she screamed at me until i broke down and cried. it was regarding money matters/bank stuff. sigh.

tough love folks.

though at the end of the phonecall, she noticed i was quietly crying hence, softened her tone considerably. she demanded to know why i was crying, i told her: i just miss my friends. i didn't add that she hadn't had a go at me like that for the longest time, and i was upset by it. i mean, who likes to be yelled at? but i have my pride, so i said nothing.

after she hung up, i sat down on my bed and cried and cried. i don't even know why. it felt like that time i was a little girl and got lost in the supermarket. perhaps it was because i hadn't heard my mother's voice since i left after christmas and the first time i do, she's hopping mad - at me.

she rung back and admitted after checking her accounts, that i was right after all. she spoke in a calm reasonable manner and was really nice all of a sudden. i think she was aware of the extent of my grief. (knowing me: i'm not the type to cry for no reason - i'm more likely to argue/scream than to break down unless i'm truly remorseful/upset) i started sobbing, telling her how miserable i've been since my friends left, and how i can't concentrate on my studies.

she then informed me of my sister's arrival in london tomorrow (sg time), suggesting i take a day off work and spend time with her. after confessing that i was homesick having NOT heard from my family and friends, she also promised to call me every weekend :)

i guess what they say is true: you don't know what you've got until you lose it.

who knew that i (self-confessed emotionally-independent girl) would miss her family so much?

pop! six! squish! cicero! uh-uh! lipshitz!

2008-02-13T13:10:00.008Z

long overdue post.

18th january 2008, our last night together

the night kicked off with a bang (of a gun). a click. a tap. several splits, a handful of feathers and an army of half-naked men and women, prancing around onstage in their undergarments.

pop! six! squish! cicero! uh-uh! lipshitz!

sound familiar? yes indeed, we went to watch CHICAGO! the musical, at cambridge theatre. after that scintillating performance and simultaneous display of beautiful people/voices, we.. or at least i, felt the urge to spontaneously kick up my heels and start dancing along the streets - a concept not too foreign to me, but one that is likely to emerge only after a couple of drinks *grin*

which i had, and then some.

boys and girls, vodka + wine = NO x 100. remember this equation and remember it well, to avoid doing what i did (for as long as you live), which is... *drumroll*

......

PUKING ON A BUS.

but we'll get back to that later. post-chicago, we headed back to alex's to wait for love and danai, picking up some alcohol - from one of those shops around the corner - along the way. funny, i'd never been a fan of drinking pre-clubbing, usually reserving inebriation upon my arrival at the club, till now. mandi mixed up some vodka+orange for us, i had a glass or two, washed down by some wine (which tasted soo good i couldn't resist helping myself to more). uh-oh. note: mixing drinks is always a bad idea, pity i had to discover this the hard way.

anything after that is one big fat mess.

i remember leaving alex's, swigging the last bit of vodka straight from the bottle right before running into earl's court tube station, taking photos on the train (mandi smuggled alcohol in her coat or something like that right?), exiting god-knows-where, love and i singing "it's not a love song" at the top of our lungs (seriously, not even humming, we were practically yelling like bloody drunkards - well, me, not she) while walking arm in arm down the street to... somewhere.

honestly, i don't know where we were headed to or how we ended up where we did. in the past, when someone asked me if i was drunk, i could shrug it off easily because i was well aware i had never been completely-out-of-it before. high? yes. drunk? no.

now all there is left to say is: i have never been so drunk in my life.

i can't believe i had fun and the music wasn't even r&b/hiphop! i vaguely recall the red hot chilli peppers and us jumping up and down like mad. the following will be in point form because mandili clued me in the morning after, i don't actually remember this while it was happening.

fyi: i wondered what kept me going all night. now i know! we continued drinking at the club, i don't know what, except that it was a pinkish liquid, the colour of cranberry. given my state, i shouldn't have been allowed to get within a mile radius of anything remotely alcoholic, but i was, and i did.

1. i lost my balance for the millionth time and yanked on red&whitestripedshirt guy to stabilise myself, who turned around, gave us a funny smile and did some weird hand tugging action, supposedly imitating me

2. mandi nicked a blue cap off some guy's head. (i was told) i took it and promptly dropped it on floor.

3. mandi put ice down some guy's shirt.

4. i did some destiny's child-type-bootylicious-bum-movement (mandi described it as a standing up/vertical lapdance) on some dude. i was completely unaware he was right behind me! cute guy though, i heard. from iceland? (said mandi)

5. when lili and i went to the loo she heard me from the inside of the cubicle going "lili, i can't stand up!" and immediately started banging on my door, trying to get me out. i eventually managed to get my limbs to behave and exit the cubicle without having to break down the door.

6. i bumped into like 20 people, min. that night. lili kept running after me and apologising (oh god. *shakes head* i'm SO sorry) on my behalf

7. i kept falling backwards and reached out for support, lili leaned forward doing the hand actions as if she were reeling me in on a fishing line. cute.

people must've thought: trashed asian chick. though at that point, i was so far gone i doubt i could even tell you my name. i am SUCH a lightweight. tsk. mummy would NOT approve. well *shrugs* what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

we stayed till closing time. the lights went on. we got our coats and left. for some reason i was squatting outside the club? perhaps my feet were hurting from my new boots? lili remarked "we look like we're from mainland china." were we waiting for a bus? i don't know. i think we were.

the girls were about to get me a plastic bag because i started complaining "i'm not feeling well" when the bus came. we got on, i sat down and nodded off. the wobbliness (can't think of another word) of the bus kinda shook me awake. it was then i felt really sick. the girls had anticipated this the second we left the club and tied my hair up in preparation.

mandi: "sweetie, not in the aisle, do it on the inside." and so, i did the deed.

not my finest hour i admit. i am ashamed. this never would've happened in singapore. good thing london is so big, hopefully no one in that club/on that bus recognizes me. by the way, if you're thinking of puking on public tranport - take it from me, don't. hardly the most glamorous way to end a night out.

list of things to do before i die
best friend holding up hair as one throws up done.

losing my v-plate (vomit plate) in public done and done. double tick for that

we got off the bus. someone (either mandi/lili) magically appeared with water for me to wash out my mouth and hands. thank you so much. lili guarded me as i squatted on the floor, waiting for the girls to get back from buying food nearby. some guy walked past, offered us french fries and told lili "you should take her home." i think she just gave him a look. hee

when they returned, mandi told me i kept pleading "don't leave me.. don't leave" over and over while walking home, like a little lost puppy. she was afraid she had hurt me cause she literally clamped me to her side and dragged me home - i couldn't stand, let alone walk.

the grand finale

we made it back, safe and sound - in one piece (ref. to self) i took my shoes off, lay on the bed and that was it. all i know is, i was woken up later that morning, moaning "ugh. sunlight. pain." we rushed off to victoria and took the train home. i then spent half the day lying in bed, in complete darkness - curtains drawn, lights off - with a sudden aversion to loud noises, on the phone retelling the sordid tale to NGR, who laughed and exclaimed "YOU PISSHEAD!"

note: i think i was experiencing my virgin hangover.

the end.

are you in/out?

2008-02-12T18:46:00.000Z

IN/OUT

country. uk/sg
occupation. student/employee

course. promotion/design

birthday. 21st/18th

party. london/ -

drunk. puking on a bus/pulling neon guy's shirt

place. cambridge/rochester

friends. bfffs/bffs

boys. good bad boys/nice heartless bastards

crush. * * */**** ***

accent. english/american

scent. issey miyake/ralph lauren
curlyhairedboy. NIL
hair. superlong/longish
layer. layerx3/layerx6

dress. vintage/mass produced

gown. 21st birthday goddess gown/ -
bag. cracked leather/black leather
colour. mauve/pink
boots. heeled ankle/knee high
weather. breezy/freezing

season. spring/winter

confectionery. cupcake/ -

destination. rome/paris
holiday. chinese new year/christmas
book. a concise english-chinese dictionary for lovers/sex and the city

show. gossip girl/grey's anatomy
status. takenish/single
year. 2008/2007

i love lists.

2008-02-12T17:10:00.000Z

note: got this off some girl's blog, but the answers have all been changed.

3 things to do before you die
1. travel the world
2. be somebody/make a difference
3. have a bag named after me

3 names you go by
1. vic/vick/vict/vicky/vicks
2. dicky
3. v2

3 screen names you’ve had
(to be honest, too many to recall)

3 parts of your heritage
1. chinese
2. singhalese
3. crazy (i get this from my mum's side)

3 things that scare you
1. edward scissorhands
2. being eaten by sharks
3. losing the ones i love

3 of your everyday essentials
1. handphone
2. ipod
3. purse

3 things I’m wearing right now
1. topshop b jeans
2. topshop floral top
3. esprit vest

3 of your favourite bands/artists/OSTs
1. damien rice
2. little miss sunshine OST
3. grey's anatomy OST

3 of your favourite songs
1. songbird
2. because of you
3. qing tian

3 things you want in a relationship
1. love/romance
2. communication/trust
3. stability/security

(technically it's 6, but i couldn't help it)

2 truths and a lie
1. i have forgiven/forgotten the ex/hk person
2. lovelife-wise, i'm the happiest i've been in years
3. i wish i knew what happened on 18/8/07

(go figure)

3 physical things about the opposite sex that attract you
1. a pretty face
2. voice
3. smell

3 of my favourite hobbies
1. sleeping
2. eating sweet stuff ie: chocolate-anything
3. being a nosey parker/trivia genius

3 things you want to do right now if you could do anything in the world
1. rob selfridges (i'd head straight for the marc jacobs' rack)
2. leave school and go on an indefinite roadtrip - anywhere but here
3. kidnap mandi/lili and smuggle them into the uk

3 careers you’re considering
1. ice cream taster
2. fashion stylist/journalist/PR
3. professional sleeper

3 places you want to go on vacation
1. bahamas
2. maldives
3. new york

3 kids names you like
1. angelica
2. connor
3. dylan

3 ways that you’re stereotypically a girl
1. i love pink
2. over-emotional. i cry at the drop of a hat.
3. v. clucky, says mandi. i ooh and aah over little kiddies.

3 ways that you’re stereotypically a boy
1. morbid fascination with creepy crawlies
2. i can be quite gross (ask my brother)
3. i like to check girls out

i love lists.

2008-02-09T12:44:00.000Z

"i just want your kiss boy (kiss boy kiss boy), i just want your kiss.."

it's not enough.

2008-02-05T17:46:00.000Z

i'm lonely. the loneliest i've been in my life.

sometimes, in moments like this, i wonder if coming to this country, by myself, was the biggest mistake i've ever made.

sitting in my flat eating cny goodies (away from home on chinese new year for the first time, no reunion dinner for the next 3 years at least), overly emotional and hormonal, i feel totally and completely alone.

for the first time in weeks, i'm crying again.

today was a good day; did our mini shop report presentation, met up with the greek girls for lunch, (gosh so much has changed, where have i been the past few weeks?) went back to my flat then to uni for a tutorial, got the accommodation listing from sue c., looked for michelle j. for mandi's essay, went home again (i even paid naz and angie a visit in the flat, to pick up some stuff)... i was fine. now i'm not.

there's something inside me dying to get out, but i'm afraid that if i let go, i might never stop crying. so for now, the tears have ceased, yet somehow holding it in hurts even more than letting it out.

my heart hurts.. i'm looking at our photo (one of the few with us three), taken in front of trevi fountain in rome, in that very moment my heart was still, i sensed impending doom - the sensation of time slipping through your fingers and it's all you can do to watch helplessly - i knew that eventually you would both leave me. i recall thinking, this could be the last time the three of us are together. *small smile*

now all i'm left with are memories, but it's not enough.

I held on as tightly as you held onto me

2008-02-05T02:50:00.000Z

Alex: I filled this entire bag with coins from my patient's stomach today.
Cristina: No kiddin'.
Alex (long pause): I miss Rebecca.
Cristina (long pause): I miss Burke.
Alex (holds up the bag of coins): Want some money? (Cristina smiles)

Song playing in the scene: "To Build A Home" by Cinematic Orchestra

this scene breaks my heart.

p/s: missing the girls. life just seems... less, since you've been gone. i want to, but i can't cry. not anymore. i just... ache. wishing you were here.

all my love.

i saw chace crawford.

2008-02-05T01:03:00.001Z

*edit

status: watching gossip girl on my laptop while waiting for my laundry to dry (i had no choice, i ran out of clean underwear heh) and for hot water, to take a bath.

man, seeing chace crawford in london must be the HIGHLIGHT OF MY LIFE.

how random is that!? it's weird watching him onscreen now knowing i saw the actual specimen itself - right before my very eyes. i'm 100% positive it was him; he was even wearing the same outfit (heather grey long sleeved tee and beanie) as was featured in teen vogue, conveniently stashed in my bag - the second i was done gaping, i immediately whipped out my copy to double check, then i proceeded to smile dreamily for the next half hour or so, at nothing and no one in particular, all the while thinking: lili/mandi is never going to believe this! followed by what the heck is he doing in london? more so, alone?

*screams*

i must admit i've never seen a boy quite as beautiful as him before. *swoon* he's like a walking talking living breathing piece of art, or a sculpture.. sculpted to perfection. thank god for self-control, otherwise i might've pinned him down and raped him. hahaha. i kid, i kid.

on a separate note, my weird behaviour is freaking me out, i'm not usually... clingy. ugh. i don't care, i'm blaming the hormones. with complete disregard to the kind of treatment i'm accustomed to, this should not be happening at all. no matter who likes who more. because i'm not CLINGY or NEEDY and neither am i a fan of PDA. it used to send shivers down my spine - not in a good way - so how and when did i unknowingly join the club? AHH. kill me now please.

~~no calls~~
~~no texts~~
~~no msn~~
~~no physical contact~~

that should do the trick.

(*note: we accidentally broke every single one of the abovementioned rules.)

perhaps i'm too used to the game.

2008-02-04T14:17:00.000Z

i unearthed these pictures from deep within the hidden depths of my laptop; taken back in december when i was home for christmas break.

gosh. i look like a giant next to sheryl. my legs are twice the size of hers. haha i feel like a juicy drumstick :) *bite*

looking dishevelled and in a state of undress (haha notice the strap of my tank top slipping off my shoulder, smudged eyeliner etc) at the bus stop outside zouk, post-clubbing.

oh what a night.

that was the night royboytoy and myself lost it and went NUTS in velvet/zouk *smirk* i actually remember it quite clearly, well the parts that i can recall at least *grin*

love you roy.

xoxo

snap-happy.

2008-01-31T05:07:00.000Z

warning: photo overload!

in the dressing room of browns focus as part of my shop report in london. this was a sale item, a lilac-y jersey dress 70 GBP, with damage to the hem. really pretty/girly and luxurious to the touch, pity it was a couple of sizes too big, but it works just as well with black tights and flats as i imagine it would with bare legs and heels (in the summer).

as you are all aware, i don't make it a point to go around with a camera in my bag, taking pictures of myself modelling clothes in dressing rooms, but since it was with me, i thought: what the heck. might as well. hence, the crazy phototaking session below :)

going a little snap-happy in topshop

outfit #1
me love prints!
my brain simply cannot comprehend how some people are averse to prints. it's so striking, naturally giving my mood a kick in the right direction. if i wore this dress, i'd probably spend the whole day checking myself out in reflective surfaces *grin* diggin' the Y-strap detail in front and semi-low back (low enough to go braless)

outfit #2
this dress was pretty, if a bit dull on my skintone. love the cutout detail at the back, though the size 8 was kinda baggy and did nothing for me.

tried and tested: grey is not my colour.

outfit #3
45 GBP
my favourite one by far. (hence the photowhoring) you know me and backless dresses, correction: backless anything. till this day, i profess to a longlasting, never-to-be-extinguished obsession/love affair with backbaring garments, i find the curve of a woman's spine soo sexy, i can't help but feel exposed and vulnerable yet at the same time empowered.

outfit #4
trying on a stylish navy trench; 70 GBP!
been on the hunt for a nice one ever since.. ever. i assumed it was an english thing (burberry and all) and was surprised to find out yesterday that some of my friends don't actually own one! *gasp* though i must admit it gives me the sudden urge to show up at my lover's house wearing a trenchcoat... and nothing else *snickers* like they do in the movies. that'll be a laugh! haha

the end.

2008-01-23T02:20:00.000Z

i'm going to be okay.
i'm going to be okay.
i'm going to be okay.
i'm going to be okay.
i'm going to be okay.

walking past your flat
takes genuine effort
a deep breath on my part,
a voice inside my head going
"you can do this"
i turn to glance at your kitchen
through the window,
so very empty
without you

and i keep on walking.

past the place i used to love
a home to me,
now nothing more than
a distant memory.

*deep breath*

i keep our picture on my desk
where i can see us everyday.
the one taken in front of trevi fountain
i hope my wish comes true.
just so you know,
it was about us.

i'm not going to cry now.
big girls don't cry,
so they say.
i'm stronger than i know
but

i think,
i may never get over this.
you.
us.

someday, the pain will fade
my wounds will heal
that day is not today
or tomorrow
or anytime
soon.
give me time
to grieve,
alone.

please come home.
please come home to me.
please please please
please come back.
i miss you so much
i miss you so much it kills me
that you're not here
with me.

i'd give up chocolate for life
if i could see you again.
now, we all know
what a huge sacrifice that is
for i once said
"life without chocolate is not worth living"
apparently,
you beat chocolate hands down.
anytime, anyday.